You know how it is with serendipity don’t you?!
Once I filed for divorce, my ex, Farquhar Barstardcelot, morphed into an even more complete bastard. He has this marvelous idea that I should stay home and look after the kids while he did his studly thing fornicating around the web and then we should get back together in 10-15 years – once the kids have left home.
Can anyone say go forth and multiply?!
Honestly, if I’d known he could be that funny before I filed.. yeah NO!
Farquhar had pulled stunts that are beyond audacious but – every dog has it’s day and it was mine.
The kids had a play date AT SOMEONE ELSES HOUSE! Not mine for once and holy debit cards – I could go shopping! On my own!! No flippin’ ankle-snappers!
I had a lovely time, no whining, no tale-telling.. no losing kids and for the first time in years I bought a proper lipstick! I’d just been wearing chap stick or, at most, lip gloss for months. It was proper old fashioned waxy type lipstick.. Ester Lauder no less so mega bucks! Thrilled with my various purchases I decided it was time to get my happy azz home and start domestic goddessing before the family arrived home.
Well as luck would have it, I pressed the wrong floor button in the multi level car park and got off early. I didn’t realise my mistake until I’d walked halfway down the car park so I started trudging back grumpily to the lifts.
I wasn’t a Blissful Britchy and given the fact it was Sunday I DIDN’T swear but I did use a lot of words that sounded like Ancient Babylonian.. but I digress.
You know the Wordsworth poem? “I wandered lonely as a cloud – blah blah blah when all at once I saw an X”?
Welll… I had one of those moments.
There I was.
Despondent. Cold. Grumpy,
Practicing my conversational skills in Ancient Babylonian (which had by this time progressed to Swahili) when all at once I SWEAR I heard a host of angels singing and saw.. a mirage.
A vision of loveliness.
An opportunity for REVENGE!!!!
Yes – it was Farquhar’s Mitsubishi* truck which he loved more than life itself..
As usual, he’d parked across TWO spaces like a complete KNOB so that no one else could – perish the thought – get near his pride and joy *snort*
Divine Inspiration struck and I know God isn’t keeping score on this one.
I made ALMOST the ultimate sacrifice. (It wasn’t cake)
I got the lipstick and removed the packaging. Reverently I hasten to add. This was a sacred, spiritual and reverent moment.
I wound it out a little and started to write on the drivers window (and a bit of the windscreen) “The way you’ve pulled in here makes me wish your father had pulled out”
ALL the lipstick. Every bit. Gone.
I can tell you after having “arty” kids that waxy, creamy lippy was going to be a bitch to clean off too!
* Giving proper deference to his “Chick Magnet” Chariot I always referred to it, not as a Mitsubishi but rather, as an ItchiPussi.
Apparently I’m not as funny as I think I am but I’m DEFINITELY a Britch!
OMG you are amazing! I just read this out loud to a coworker because I couldn’t stop giggling and had to share. Love it.
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I STILL laugh my head off remembering all these things! I’ve got a whole list of one line prompts to remind me to turn them into blogs – now you can see why I keeps myself anonymous!!
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Serves him right I really detest people who Park over 2 spaces and good for you with the lipstick shame it was a good one too good for the likes of him
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I have a couple of cheap Walmart lipsticks in the car now because.. y’know!!
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well thats good because you never know when you might need those again, and you have to make sure they are really revolting colours too
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LMAO! I love it.
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oh my gosh! that’s gutsy, hope no cameras were around! I know a few people I would like to do that to, but I wouldn’t have the guts. lol!
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Ha! Love it!
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Oh, he seems SUPER funny, indeed.
The power of suggestion… I read the title “many” and somehow saw “seven”, so was disappointed to see just one, but I digress.
You know so many ancient languages, that’s fascinating.
I’m super proud of you for doing what you did. You were at the right place at the right time. And what a clever remark you left.
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We were at a concert. My little car was boxed in. Wrote in vivid red…”learn to park properly you twit”
Husband just looked at me in silence. Revlon lipstick it was but it was worth it!
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I always keep a couple of tubes of cheap lipstick in the car now. It’s as important as a jack and a spare tire lol
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🙂 Thank you for the idea!
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Reblogged this on Bitchin’ in the Kitchen and commented:
It’s Thursday so time for a throwback to a time when, well, I may NOT have been the perfect little angel I am now…
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That is so funny!!! It almost makes me wish I would have followed through with some of my vengeful thoughts with my ex. That was many years ago though and life has gotten even with him.
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Life has karma – it’s a great tool!
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I got lost in a parking garage once in college and was so hungry I started eating tiny slivers of paper from my notebook while sobbing. The paper doesn’t dissolve well. Surprisingly sturdy. I still shudder to think…
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Did he know itwas ypu?
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No!!! That was the funniest bit – I’d suspect me if I was in another country at the time!!
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😄😄😄😄😄
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I m still laughing as just today I was swearing against a moron parking over two spaces…..now I know what to do next time.
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Just buy a few cheap lipsticks in Penney’s and keep them in the glove box so you don’t waste a good one!
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I’m on it😎💄
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Hilarious. But too bad you had to sacrifice the lipstick!
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I know – I’m SUCH a giving person aren’t I?!
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You have me in stitches yet again!!! 😂😂😂
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