On Condoms, Car Parks and Paint Cans..

Do you ever have one of those “you couldn’t make this shit up” days?

I’d parked in a multi-storey car park to “just go to Sprint” and actually managed to leave the mall a mere four hours later after a run on the stock exchange. You know? Where I trade my cash for valuable stock.. I do SO love investing in our Nations economy and jobs for local people!

I’d trudged back to my shiny chariot, weighed down by bags which was a good thing actually as it was quite windy – only to find a condom on the bonnet of my car!

How/why I didn’t just set fire to my Mini I’ll never know.

I made the security guard remove it though as it’s supposed to be secure and they sure charge enough (bastards)

Anyway, I drove down the three levels to the exit. There’s a little guy in the booth there who always jumps to put my ticket in the machine. He’s very sweet in a Forrest Gump kind of way. He had his supervisor (I’m guessing) with him.

So the conversation went like this:

“Wheerre arrrre you froooom Miss?”

“I’m from England”

“I thoooooought soooo – arrrre yoooou frooooom Livveerrrpoooool?”

“No I’m from London”

“Oooooooh. The Beeeatles arrrrre frooom Liverrrrpooool. I LIKE the Beeeeatles”

So I wait for the barrier to lift and heard him say to the other guy

“She’s from London. It’s near Liverpool”

Gotta love Geography!!!

I stopped at Walmart to get a can of paint. You’d think after the China cabinet I’d be banned from painting for a while wouldn’t you? You’d be quite right! ‘im indoors is doing the brush-to-wall jiggery pokery. I’m just in charge of picking the colour!

So I’m in the paint dept. I get a paint match card for the colour I want and a gallon of interior paint. I picked a very pale milky cream color. Shell white.

Have you ever tried to find someone to serve in Walmart? I wandered around looking until I eventually got fed up and went to the Customer Service desk at the other end of the store to have them page someone. I then had to GALLOP back to the paint desk before whoever was paged decided there was no one there and buggered off again! The struggle is real!

I was met by a throwback from the 80’s. Imagine if you will, a Cyndi Lauper/Sheena Easton cross with razored, spiky fringe and bouffant mullet, frosted hairdo – because that was who came to serve me. She had so much hairspray on, her head moved but her hair didn’t!! The oxygen left the room, gasping in its death throes – I was smurf blue from choking on L’Oreal fumes!

She got out that weird little claw like tool for opening cans of paint and proceeded to half open the tin and then warp the lid by wrenching it off the tin. I asked her how she was going to close it but she just looked at me with vacant eyes like I was stupid and didn’t answer.

I should have walked off at that point. In my heart I knew that, no matter what that other 80’s icon Yazz said, the only way was NOT up! It was gonna be more Johnny Cash and end in a “Burning Ring of Fire”..

I don’t know if the Walmartian had ever actually used the paint machine before – but I counted 12 dollops of very dark pigment going in to the tin. Remember, my colour card was a shell white..

I said “I don’t think that’s right, that’s going to be much darker than off white”

Par for the course, she totally ignored me and put the brimful tin on the counter in front of me. I did tell her the tin was over full but she decided to put the bent lid back on the tin and get the mallet. She didn’t tap that lid gently.. she swung at mallet at the tin like it was her exs head!! Paint flew in a tsunami and hit a stack of window fans on display. I squealed but luckily she missed me. I yelled “I told you that was too full!!” …. and she hit it again!!

Even harder!!

On a WARPED LID!!

I full on screamed like Jamie Lee Curtis now! The bitch was psycho.

A manager came running and stopped, absolutely gobsmacked at what she’d done. The poor man was completely flabbergasted. (An everyday occurrence there I’m sure) He sent her to another area – hopefully North Dakota – and asked what happened. So I told him! At this point I realized I had paint in my hair and on my face but thankfully (for her) none on my clothes!!

It turned out she’d totally ignored the can size and put enough pigment in for a five gallon drum. Needless to say – I didn’t accept his offer to remix a can!

(Note to self: Go the heck to Home Depot next time you lazy twerp)