Sandwiches, Shoe Polish and Schaden Freude

~ the britchy one

Tonight I asked ‘im indoors what he wanted to take to work for his lunch tomorrow.

“Oh ….anything” he said offhandedly.

I was quite peeved by this but – I had a golden moment. One of those moments where instead of going ballistic faster than the speed of light I actually stopped myself – and thought – and decided to turn this into a lesson on consideration for others. Specific others. Namely, sweet little me!

This isn’t the first time I’ve been in this exact position. Many moons ago and half a world away Farquhar Bastardcelot (see Cast of Characters) learned the same lesson.

Brutally.

As did his brother, Bilious Bollockchops, who was living with us at the he time.

I was the dummy who was making packed lunches for both of them daily and it got tiring thinking of what to make and honestly, I got bloody narked when I’d ask what they wanted for lunch and all the input I got back got was “Oh, anything”

One day I’d had REALLY had enough. I was tired, I was feeling sick, (morning sickness. I was expecting Princess PITA) and I just wanted someone to say “make this” so I didn’t have to think but nooo – and that was the “Oh Anything” that broke the camels back. I had the stinkin’ hump and as you’ve all come to realise, that never bodes well for anyone in my line of sight!

I got out a loaf of French bread. I cut it into quarters and buttered it. I sliced cheese, tomatoes, cucumber and onion, I got pre sliced ham out of the fridge.

I got shoe polish from under the sink.

I got toothpaste from the bathroom.

No expense was spared, this wasn’t any old cheap crap. This was Kiwi shoe polish and Colgate toothpaste!

I polished one side of the bread and tooth pasted the other then I lovingly filled the sandwiches and wrapped them in cling film. They were works of art if I say so myself. Actually all Farquhar’s workmates envied him his lunches – up to this point anyway!

I filled croissants with chocolate spread, gentleman’s relish and garlic mayo. (Instead of their usual Nutella and marshmallow fluff) I added a couple of lightly vinegar’d cupcakes and et voila! Lunch was served.

I was home before the Brothers Grim the next day and you know what? I think they’d had a rough day. I thought I knew an awful lot of swear words but goodness gracious, there were a few I’d never heard! They were quite adamant that they didn’t want me cooking dinner that night so we had fish and chips – yet another win for me!

You know what else? They never EVER said “Oh anything” to me again either. Take it from me, it’s a successful lesson when you only have to teach it once.

Which brings me back to ‘im indoors.

Tomorrow he has a nutritionally balanced reminder to be specific when requesting feeding! I hope he enjoys his sandwiches with marshmallow fluff instead of mayo. Unlike the Brothers Grim he’s not stupid enough to think I won’t have messed with everything so that’s the only “creative” offering I’ve made him. I’ve also wrapped a note in cling film and put it IN his sandwich.

It said “well you asked for ANYTHING”

Bet he doesn’t need to learn twice either!

Published by the britchy one

A PROUD American Citizen who was born and bred in England and now resides in the US. I’m married to an American who really didn’t have a clue what he was letting himself in for - poor sod! I’m a cranky bitch who loves cats and books and hates chocolate, politics and Dave’s. Oh and mosquitos. I hate those blood sucking parasites but since I’ve already mentioned politics I’m repeating myself! I’m a short, skinny redhead, 3 kids, 2 dogs, not enough cats and a mouth with a death wish. Blood group - certifiable.

24 thoughts on “Sandwiches, Shoe Polish and Schaden Freude”

      1. Had a friend who’s husband wanted the meat wrapped separately from the bread and condiments because he said it made the bread soggy. One morning, mad, she wrote “f**k you” in mustard on the bread so he would see it when he added the meat!!! So clever you ladies are!!!

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  7. Mother-in-law had exactly the same problem with father-in-law until the day he had two bits of bread containing a square of cardboard torn up from a cereal box with sprinkled instant coffee granules on it and a lump of coal instead of an apple.
    He was definitely more specific after that.

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  8. hahahaha….Years/eons ago when I was married…my hubbys friend would always say when asked do you want a cuppa…tea/coffee….he would always say yeah whatever…so one day I had enough…so did his wife. I wonder if they are still married…he would buy her useful things for birthdays etc like mowers, shovels etc…anyways we made him a cuppa…tea/coffee/bonox/milo/anything we could find.. taught him a lesson or two.

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