How Obama Broke My Bones

It was November of 2012 which you may remember, was a Presidential Election year here in the US. I hadn’t even had my green card for a year at this point but I still wanted to be a part of the Electoral Process so, I was planning to go with my husband when he went to vote after finishing work.

Whoever won, Obama or Romney, history was being made and I wanted to be a part of it. I’m very passionate about people voting. Especially women. It’s only JUST 100 years since women won the right to vote, people fought hard, alienated friends and family and even died for it. I won’t dishonour them by not voting every chance I get. But I digress and you’re not surprised!

We lived out in the arsehole of nowhere at the time. All of our “neighbours” were Amish but you couldn’t see another house from ours. It was pretty isolated.

I was all set, ready, anxiously awaiting the return of ‘im indoors. I had my favourite jeans, my white coat and my red ankle boots on, just to set the tone!

I was looking out of the kitchen window and saw car lights in the distance. It could only be him so I made to leave the house, and stepped out of the door – knowing he was about 8 minutes away. I was just about to step down off the deck when a cat jumped off the roof (we had several barn cats). I was startled and missed my footing and fell sideways off the step onto the ground, not far, only about an 8” drop.

Holy Camogie that bloody hurt. You know when you hurt yourself so badly that it doesn’t hurt for a minute and then it just EXPLODES?? Yeah that was it. So there I was, lying on the ground in front of the minivan we had and I couldn’t move. I could scarcely breathe. I literally had fireworks in front of my eyes.

‘im indoors pulled into the drive, walked back down to the end of the drive to get the mail and ambled back to the house. As he got to the step he noticed me and said – wait for it – “What are you doing?”

It’s mid FARKLING November, it’s chuffing FREEZING, it’s been raining all day, the grounds like the Bog of Allen and I’m lying on the earth in a white coat???

What did he think I was doing?!

Resisting all temptation to respond solely in words beginning in F, I answered nonchalantly through gritted teeth “I thought it was a pretty night for looking at stars”

He looked at me like I was mental, not a look I’m unaccustomed to I have to say… and turned to go indoors!! I said “umm do you think you could help me please? I’m kind of a bit hurt”

I am, let it be known, a master of understatement. The long and short of it was he painfully picked me up and carried me straight to the bathroom. I could only stand on my right leg so he guessed I’d broke my left. He helped me get my jeans down because all that excitement had my bladder doing the Macarena.

There I was, sat on the throne trying to get my coat and jeans off. As soon as the coat was off you could see my arm was broken as it had that “step” in it. I was trying to get my jeans off one handed so he said not to worry, they could cut them off at the hospital!

WordPress wouldn’t like seeing what I said about anyone cutting my favourite jeans in print so let’s just agree that you, dear reader, can use your imagination!

Luckily my daughter and her boyfriend came in just then. I insisted ‘im indoors went to vote before taking me to the ER and he wasn’t having it. We compromised on Princess PITA driving me with the swamp thing she was dating and he’d meet us there after. The local ER was pretty small so they put temporary casts on my arm and leg and let me go home with painkillers to return the next day.

I had to have my arm reset which I had with just a localized shot as I had a second job interview at 3pm that afternoon and I wasn’t missing it! I’m glossing over all of that because describing it makes me feel very sick. I turned up for the interview in a wheelchair with my arm and leg in a cast and a shoulder support as apparently I’d dislocated that too – and I got the job!!

The next few weeks were a real test of my ingenuity but the fact remains. I STILL managed to scare the everlovin’ heebeegeebies out of my family – even in a wheelchair! I was wheeling myself behind doors and screeching at them and practicing where I could and couldn’t get to when they weren’t home – so they were never safe!!

I even escaped from my daughter when we went Black Friday shopping! She wandered off so I wheeled myself into the middle of a clothes rack – you know – the round sort. She was calling “mum, Mu-um, MUUUUUMMM!” – and I was nearly wetting myself trying not to laugh!

Have you ever noticed how, when you can’t laugh, everything is screaming hysterical?! Why is that?!

Eventually she was stood right beside me so I flung the clothes apart and in my best pirate voice said “Ahoy me hearties”. Again, I have no idea what is coming out of my mouth next half the time. She nearly had a heart attack and had an instant spontaneous case of Tourette’s. I was laughing my head off, she’s yelling “what the cork is wrong with you?” People are grabbing the clothes that landed on the floor when I did my triumphant reveal. Just an average Black Friday really. Well, except that she’s never gone BF shopping with me again..

Because cast-jazzling is a thing..