The LoCarb Diet, The Five-Two Diet, (SH)Atkins, Paleo, Dukan.. You know how it is girls, we’ve all tried all sorts of diets and none of them have made us happy.
I decided it’s time to rewrite dieting. Life is meant to be enjoyed not endured so I give you this. The new and improved “I’m happy and I don’t give a damn” Eff Plan/South Britch Diet… ENJOY!!!
Rules For This Diet
If you eat something, and no one else sees you eat it, it has no calories.
When drinking a diet soda while eating a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled by the diet soda.
When you eat with someone else, calories don’t count as long as you don’t eat more than they do.
Foods used for medicinal purposes never count. Example: hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee cheesecake.
If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
Movie-related foods do not have calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one’s personal fuel.
Example: Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints and Tootsie Rolls.
Cookie pieces contain no calories, because of the process of breaking the cookie causes calorie leakage.
If you are in the process of preparing something, foods licked off knives and spoons have no calories.
Foods of the same color have the same number of calories. Examples: green salad and Key Lime pie, mushrooms and white chocolate.
If you eat the food off someone else’s plate, it doesn’t count.
If you eat standing up the calories all go to your feet and get walked off.
Food eaten at Christmas parties has no calories, courtesy of Santa.
If you eat in the dark, the calories can’t find you. This is also a good reason to take the lightbulb out of the fridge.
If you are using a digital scales please do so correctly and only weigh digits. Fingers OR toes are acceptable.
Make sure you hide all fattening goodies from the rest of the family. This counts as participating in the hunter/gatherer diet as you sneak around reclaiming your stash. Hunting and Gathering also counts as a workout so you can enjoy your rewards in the knowledge you’ve earned them.
“If you eat standing up the calories all go to your feet and get walked off.”
Science is amazing.
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Bullshitology at its finest 😎
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I seriously lol’ed at everything in this post. I LOVED IT! Best diet ever! Thank you for the laughs lol
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I’m so glad you liked it – sometimes the crap in my head just had to get out lol
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hahaha – I love this! Also, if you eat food you make yourself calories don’t count because you will definitely have burned them off whilst making it!! Haha
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Exactly!!
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Totally Agree lol
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I can’t help but wonder if these rules also apply to men. I think I could benefit from some of them.
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Go for it 😊
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this is hysterical… You are right on all counts and I am starting today!
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It looks like the perfect diet plan!!😂
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*smashes fridge lightbulb on floor with gargantuan feet* I’m sold.
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Seriously when some bollix invents a time machine I’m going back and smothering the man who discovered calories
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Ooh ooh or BMIs! The last time I met my ‘recommend BMI’ (stupid bloody thing) was the day they cut the umbilical cord!
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Yes!!! I’m 5’1”, 107lbs and at the upper limit of my bmi… WTF?!
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Omg are you serious?? If you were any teenier I could pop you in my pocket! 😂 it’s hilarious I’m about 6 inches taller, little n’ large haha
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Short but loud that’s me!!
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I am loving these dieting rules! HAHA I might actually support a diet if I could follow these rules
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I’m in on the new rules!!
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This is so freaking awesome! I don’t remember my mother and her friends always on a diet. Why are we???
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Because we are conditioned to think 110lbs is overweight by the media 🙄
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Food eaten while laughing uncontrollably doesn’t count as the calories get spit out with the laughter and tears. 🤣🤣🤣
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Love it! I once saw online that the more colourful your dish is, the healthier it is… Followed by a picture of m&ms.
People of the Internet are my heroes.
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😂😂😂😂
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This post is amazing! I laughed the whole way through! This is, from now on, the only diet I will live by 😂👍 Sam xx
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One should always pick a diet that appeals 😁
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Best diet ever 🙂
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I have to add these to my arsenal. I usually just say calories don’t count when you eat standing up.
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FYI…working on my song off!
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If you cut the food into tiny pieces, it has fewer calories.
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Genius!!
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Well done. Pretty funny. The diet drink following a stack of BigMacs is a classic.
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I prefer Diet Coke tastewise. I’m not keen on sugary soft drinks but it’s taste rather than calories that makes me pick it!
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Interesting. I never liked the taste of the diet drinks. I stopped drinking soda altogether a couple years back. No clue how I could have loved Sprite back in the day. It’s terribly sweet.
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Sounds about like how I’ve been dieting my whole life!!! 😂😂😂
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Very witty! Does eating fast and half-chewing help? Like you’d only get half the calories or something…
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Putting on a fake accent might help – they’d think they were in the wrong body and leave 😊
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Lovin’ the cat pic ☺…
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Gotta love cattitude 😊
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I’m afraid my previous comment went into spam. Anyway, do find time to take this up : https://aieshijain.wordpress.com/2018/04/13/challenge-12-things-that-make-me-different/
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Thank you 😊
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You missed if you eat food off someone else’s plate they take on the calories! I think you literally just wrote out my theory of food 😂😂 amazing read
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Oh I thought I added that?! 😖
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Lol maybe you did!! I was so taken in by your writing and laughing so much maybe I missed it
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OMG hysterical!!!!
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Pure gold!!!
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I quite possibly have been on this one for awhile. Except we have calories free sundays also, courtesy of Jesus. Lol
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I’ll show this to my husband who has suddenly become keeto crazy..zzz
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Absolutely loved this post! Definitely my new diet from now one. X
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Missed this one. “If you eat something, and no one else sees you eat it, it has no calories.” Best possible way to go about dieting!🙌🏼😊
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