Loo, Loo, Skip to the Loo..

~ the britchy one

Things were going entirely too well round here. It had been days or at least hours since my last mortification – I should have known it couldn’t last!!

It was a “lovely” day today. Temps reached the heady heights of 58F (14C) here in the frozen Norf. I almost discarded one of my three pairs of drawers but that would have been asking for more shhhh-you-know-what to fall. We’re not out of the woods for that white shite yet. I know Facebook will be reminding me of a few less than salubrious profanity-laced rants throughout May.

I did go out without a coat though! My bravery and recklessness knows no bounds! And I wore shoes!! With heels!! Not boots – and that’s another first for the year too! That reminds me, time for a pedi before someone looks at my feet and thinks I’m going to swoop down and carry off a child or something. Jeans, heels, jumper – we were ready to go!

I decided Wegmans had been getting off lightly lately and it was time to grace them with my presence. Not that I intended buying anymore of their shite samosas but I needed a few essentials. Sweets, ice cream, candy, oven chips, butter pecan coffee creamer.. barely enough to keep a girl from biting people I know!

Off I went in the Sooper Cooper blasting Princes of The Universe by Queen to get me in the mood for a little world domination in the laundry detergent aisle. If I’m going to take over the world it had better be clean!

So there I am, wandering around with a vague sense of – something was up. My spidy senses were in full alert. If zombie bananas attacked well, I was forewarned. I wandered into the frozen aisle. The source of my previous shenanigans and past the frozen peas… and then it all came together.

Frozen. Let It Go. Peas. Realisation was almost running down my leg so I abandoned my cart and made a wee line for the Ladies. Crisis averted! Next up: The Flush. Loo’s are quite different here. There isn’t a cistern with a handle on it in public bathrooms. They are mostly self flushing now but some still have a lever contraption on the side When I first moved here I mentioned one day that the handle on the loo was filthy. My friend was horrified and said “Ermagerd!! No one TOUCHES that, we all use our foot!”

Duly noted! Wegmans had the “old fashioned” type so naturally, I lifted my foot to flush.. and my shoe fell off and into the toilet. There it was, my beautiful Jessica Simpson red pump was getting a swirly! I was just dumbstruck. I debated throwing the other one in too and leaving barefoot but walking across that bathroom floor and the car park?? I’d have to amputate my feet. Luckily it was beached not submerged so with a wad of toilet paper I fished it out and limped to the sink.

I ran the water as hot as it would get (lukewarm) and ran my shoe under it for a solid ten minutes. At this point there wasn’t much else I could do. I stuffed it full of paper towels and tried to dry it as best I could under the hand dryers.

Putting my foot back into that shoe was… I think I’d sooner have eaten the kangaroo testicles on ‘I’m a Celebrity, Get me Out of Here’ I had to go and retrieve my shopping – it was step, squelch, step, squelch… going home in the morning wearing the same clothes as the night before? Pfffft!! THIS is the walk of shame!!

Oh and tomorrow? I’M WEARING BOOTS!!

Published by the britchy one

A PROUD American Citizen who was born and bred in England and now resides in the US. I’m married to an American who really didn’t have a clue what he was letting himself in for - poor sod! I’m a cranky bitch who loves cats and books and hates chocolate, politics and Dave’s. Oh and mosquitos. I hate those blood sucking parasites but since I’ve already mentioned politics I’m repeating myself! I’m a short, skinny redhead, 3 kids, 2 dogs, not enough cats and a mouth with a death wish. Blood group - certifiable.

45 thoughts on “Loo, Loo, Skip to the Loo..”

  2. Kangaroo testicles? Who goes there? Of course, you have a following of lunatics. They only wish they were as crazy as you. Just a hint, but there are lots of medications one can take to find the middle of the road. But, Hey, I know you like the circle part. You go girl.

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    1. There was a tv show in England about a load of celebrities – kind of like Big Brother but in the jungle. One of the most famous challenges they had to face was eating kangaroo testicles. I couldn’t watch. If ever I had to think of something to make me throw up that would be it!

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  3. I feel like it’s my fault. It’s time I came clean. Reading all your prank posts, I was wondering if anyone is brave enough to pull one of those on you. Such thoughts must have caused this MORTIFYING incident.

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  6. Oh no! You get yourself into nearly as many pickles as I do! I love your style and the way you describe your experiences. It is so humorous and involving! I also got very confused about the foot flush btw. You are not alone there!

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  8. I could envision every moment! Hilarious! Okay…so in the states the “old style” flusher is a little lever, typically, easy to manipulate with a foot and not having to use your hands. But what about the french toilets with the little double button (little button for #1, bigger for #2) right in the middle of the top of the water tank? You MUST use a finger for those!

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  11. It’s always amazing to read of your hilariously bizarre experiences. I just can’t imagine myself in a situation like this. I probably might have kept staring at the mess and cursing my luck for the day.

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  13. Ummm isn’t urine sterile, not that I would want to pour into a surgical wound or anything like that. Great story. It sounds like, even grocery shopping with you would be an adventure!!!

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      1. Sometimes heros fall in the betterment of society…..even amazing shoes!! RIP beloved heels LOL Alas, I have no sisters so ugly shoes for me, it is!!

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