Weird Ass Wednesdays and The Mystery Blogger

Scooby Doo always comes to mind when I see Mystery Blogger. This is no bad thing because I love Scooby Doo (and that counts as number one of three things about me!)

I was nom-de-nom’d by none other than the Captain of Comedy, the King of Kerfuffle, the hot dog, jumping frog of Albuquerque Albuquerque himself,Baron Blokeness

What is the Mystery Award I hear you ask?

Well it just so happens I have a lovely explanation all cut and pasted from the front page of the Daily Blagger Blogger –

“The Mystery Blogger Award” is an award for amazing bloggers with ingenious posts. Their blog not only captivates; it inspires and motivates. They are one of the best out there, and they deserve every recognition they get. This award is also for bloggers who find fun and inspiration in blogging; and they do it with so much love and passion.

– Okoto Enigma

The Rules!

Put the award logo/image on your blog CHECK

List the rules. CHECK

Thank whoever nominated you and provide a link to their blog. CHECK

Mention the creator of the award and provide a link as well CHECK

Tell your readers 3 things about yourself CH… bloody hell he’s fond of these blinkin’ rules isn’t he?!

Nominate 10 – 20 people 10-20? Get off your bike and milk it! Way to make a Blogger feel special… NOT!!

Notify your nominees by commenting on their blog Jeez, this is getting a bit too control freakish isn’t it? Do I have to sing Kumbayah?

Ask your nominees any 5 questions of your choice; with one weird or funny question (specify) I’m not nominating anyone who doesn’t know the difference between weird and funny – Holy Hymn Books Batman!! We’ve got a right one here!

Well now that we’ve FINALLY got ze kommandants rulez out of the way…

Two More Fings about me

1. I absolutely love stories about witches. A Discovery of Witches by Deborah Harkness and The Physick Book of Deliverance Dane are two of my favourites

2. When I was a kid, London Libraries ran a competition for who could read the most books in six weeks. You’d take your books, read and then the librarian would ask you questions about them. I started two weeks late and read 21 books. I won for my age group. Two of the books I read are still favourites today. ‘Ramona the Brave’ and ‘Bottersnikes and Gumbles’. I loved ‘Fattipuffs and Thinnifers’ too from the same competition.

Questions I Had To Answer

How DO YOU fold a fitted sheet? The key to this lies in finding the optimal fabric softener. We don’t want one that smells like cheap aftershave do we ladies? Sheets have to be scented with gentle floral perfumes no man would choose.. so that if some rancid harlot ends up in your bed (true story) she can’t claim “I didn’t know he was married.

Once the fabric softener is decided upon we can proceed to step two. No you steaming great wassock!! NOT step in ‘number two’… it means proceed to.. oh never mind. Clean your shoe, sit down and shut up.

Drying the sheets in a washing line is infinitely nicer than tumble drying but that’s not always possible. We have a ‘no washing line rule here’ which is the product of overthinking from an anal retentive hun.

Pull the sheet out of the dryer and shake gently to disentangle any stray socks. You don’t want them scratching your hoohaa at silly o’clock. Once said sheet is shaken down for hidden contraband, align the top left corner with wherever you like. Scrunch the bloody thing up and drop kick it into an airing cupboard. If all you have to worry about in life is perfectly folded fitted sheets you SERIOUSLY need a LARGE margarita.

What is REALLY meant by the phrase ‘Love is in the air?’ As we all know, some of the worst diseases known to man are airborne. It should come as no surprise to learn love is also airborne. Whether you survive it or not, your fluthered! You’re either a steaming great pile of pink mush and lovey-dicey-bunny-sparkle-bum. Or you’re thwarted and your heart is eaten out from the inside. Do yourself a favour, just shovel chocolate down your neck so no one fancies you!

What was the weirdest, strangest and most mysterious phone call you ever took or made? I think that would be one I got from HSBC bank. I have at no time had an account with HSBC. My ex did though and they were calling MY phone to track him down.

I definitely have a feminine sounding voice but when they asked is this ‘Farquhar Bastardcelot ‘ – well, they asked for it!

I was pretending to be him, in MY front garden stalking me. I was stage whispering, and making them whisper. I’d keep shouting “DUCK!! She nearly saw us” and complaining how unreasonable *I* was because I objected to him having girlfriends while we were married.

The guy on the other end, Jake (it was before he went to work for State Farm) eventually said, “look dude, she’s gonna call the police on you if she catches you” I (as FB) got all indignant and started yelling at him “Me? Oh it isn’t just ME is it? You’re stalking her too! If you think I’m going down for this on my own you’ve got another thing coming” etc etc.

He hung up while I was mid rant which was a bit annoying because I was thoroughly enjoying myself! I’d kept him on the phone for thirty-eight minutes. I think I deserved a DBE.

This is a real mystery – would you rather be ugly as sin and live forever or look as attractively sexy as was possible, but die in a year? Duh! You don’t have to be beautiful outside if inner beauty shines through!! Whilst I wouldn’t choose to die in a year, I wouldn’t want to live forever unless my friends and family could too.

Ok, ok, here’s the cliff hanger – you are offered £$/100,000 to eat a bowl of mixed bugs – you know crunchy mealworms, slimy earthworms, buzzing crickets, wrinkly woodlice and moist maggots and the list goes on – would you eat it and be richer or not? BUGS?!!! “Alms, Alms for the poor..”

My nom de noms are:

Ms. Lola Lasagna

Tales From The Mind of Kristian

Finding French Charming

All The Shoes I Wear

Angela at The Naturally Smart Life

Wit and Whimsy

HL Sailer

And the questions for them are:

1. You’re on an airplane. There’s an empty seat next to you and just as they’re about to close the doors a last minute passenger scampers in. He makes his way down the aisle to the only vacant seat, the aisle seat next to you. You look up and realise with horror that it’s…… who is it and why is it so dreadful?

2. If you could choose between changing the clocks forward and backward twice a year or having sequenced traffic lights that actually worked – which would you change?

3. What three subjects do you think should be taught in school?

4. Which would you prefer to have in your car, heated seats or parking sensors if you could only have one?

5. If you could change the law would you have the death sentence or not and if yes, for what crimes?

Oh and just for a twist, you have to answer them too Sir ScrappysDad!!