How I Upset EVERYONE!!

~ the britchy one

I was down in NC (amongst other places) last week and I stayed with my son Fartichoke and his friends. For some obscure reason his friends love me and all have to visit every time I’m down which led to many sunrise bedtimes.. I’m getting too old for that crap!

Fartichoke was telling stories of ‘Shit My Mother Does’ and made mention of how much I used to scare him (make him jump)

The child, in his ‘wisdom’ also announced “I’m immune to you scaring me now though”

Really? We’ll see about THAT!! Challenge accepted!

I went indoors 15 or so minutes later and found a sound effect of heavy gunfire and bombs going off. I set an alarm on my phone and hid it in his room but attached it to a small speaker I have first. I may have ‘accidentally’ used said sound effect for the alarm..

Well by 7am he was dead to the world. There was an ungodly cacophony of snoring and farting coming from his room so I got coffee and waited.

The alarm was set for 7:15 and it launched with the precision of a NASA mission. Rat a tat a tat, Boom, Wheeeee, more tat a tat a tats.. honestly I spilled my own coffee. I hadn’t expected it to be that loud or real!

Loud as it was – and it woke EVERYONE in the house – it wasn’t as loud as him screaming like a little girl, taking the Lords name in vain, hitting the floor with a crash and screaming pretty much every swear word ever created. It was pretty impressive I’ve got to tell you.

He and his two room mates both burst out of their rooms, bleary eyed, hair like toilet brushes and looking distinctly witless. They saw me sitting there, tears running down my face laughing and the jig was up! I don’t think he will EVER say I can’t frighten him anymore again so that was score one for the muvver!

I wasn’t allowed to have my phone the next night!

On to the next upset!

I bloody hate “textspeak”. Just seeing it pushes my every button. It’s just stupid. Princess PITA texted me with a question and ended it “plz”.

I just asked her why she does that and she said “Because it’s shorter… DUH!!”

Thats fine – I ignored her!

She texted again about half an hour later to repeat the request so I replied “No – because it’s shorter than “yes”

Mum wins again!

Lastly I went out for lunch and shopping with a friend today. We met up at Dunkin’ because I’m a coffee fiend and while we were delicately sipping (guzzlig) iced coffee, her daughter rang. She was on her way to the ER with a badly swollen spider bite.

Naturally we postponed the shopping trip so she could go to her so I went home. ‘im indoors was obviously not expecting this so he came out to see who was pulling onto the drive.

He said (because he’s really observant like that) ”Are you home early?” …. SERIOUSLY?! Am I a flippin’ mirage?! So, in as chirpy a voice as I could manage and smiling like a Cheshire Cat on Lithium, I said “Loose Lucy told me to go to hell – so here I am!”

No one is talking to me. It’s so peaceful, I’ll have to do this again!!

Published by the britchy one

A PROUD American Citizen who was born and bred in England and now resides in the US. I’m married to an American who really didn’t have a clue what he was letting himself in for - poor sod! I’m a cranky bitch who loves cats and books and hates chocolate, politics and Dave’s. Oh and mosquitos. I hate those blood sucking parasites but since I’ve already mentioned politics I’m repeating myself! I’m a short, skinny redhead, 3 kids, 2 dogs, not enough cats and a mouth with a death wish. Blood group - certifiable.

57 thoughts on “How I Upset EVERYONE!!”

  2. OMG I am laughing so hard! You are amazing. The alarm one would kill me, shoot straight out of bed trying to figure out wth?!? All I would ask is that a cup of coffee was waiting when I finally released my claws from the ceiling. 🙂

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  6. Very funny. I can get my son easily (except nothing wakes that boy up), so he always flinches whenever I move my arms or walks into the room. It’s more fun than trying to get him…lol

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  14. Brilliant 🙂 If I knew how to do one of those crying with laughter emoji’s I would use it here, but I don’t.
    Your story reminded me of a little prank my mum pulled on me when I was a teenager. I was being lazy and not wanting to get out of bed and my mum told me a couple of times to get up. Unbeknownst (I think that’s a word, surely?) to me she had got a starter piston in her beside cabinet for defense purposes. It fires blanks. However when she came into my room with it and told me to get up or she’d shoot me with it, I didn’t hesitate! She still tells all my friends about it! 🙂

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  24. Such a funny post. I was going through the comments and saw people calling you the queen of pranks and the coolest mom. I am going with the second. Coolest mom ever. I am sure no one close to you will be familiar with something called ‘boredom’. I am reading your posts one by one. And really enjoying😊😊

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