Here I Am!! Ready To Brighten Your Day!!

~ the britchy one

It’s only one more day until tomorrow so I thought I’d share some jokes that I find very funny – if you are ‘infantile’ like me, enjoy!

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.

I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.

Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One turns to the other and says “I think we got this joke wrong”

My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.

I bought my friend an elephant for his room. He said “Thanks” I said “Don’t mention it”

I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it.

I poured root beer in a square glass. Now I just have beer.

My friend says to me: “What rhymes with orange” I said: “no it doesn’t”

And God said to John, come forth and you shall be granted eternal life. But John came fifth and won a toaster. What do we want? Low flying airplane noises! When do we want them? NNNEEEEEEOOOOOOOOWWWWWW.

What do you call a frenchman wearing sandals? Phillipe Phillope.

What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.

What do you call a dog that does magic tricks? A labracadabrador.

How do you get two whales in a car? Start in England and drive west.

A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.

Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn’t see that well.

This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.

I went bobsleighing the other day, killed 250 bobs.

I have the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Toronto zoo.

Communism jokes aren’t funny unless everyone gets them.

What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old? Aye matey.

People in Dubai don’t like the Flintstones. But people in Abu Dhabi do!

Guy walks into a bar and orders a fruit punch. Bartender says “Pal, if you want a punch you’ll have to stand in line” Guy looks around, but there is no punch line.

How did the hipster burn his mouth? He ate the pizza before it was cool.

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

Published by the britchy one

A PROUD American Citizen who was born and bred in England and now resides in the US. I’m married to an American who really didn’t have a clue what he was letting himself in for - poor sod! I’m a cranky bitch who loves cats and books and hates chocolate, politics and Dave’s. Oh and mosquitos. I hate those blood sucking parasites but since I’ve already mentioned politics I’m repeating myself! I’m a short, skinny redhead, 3 kids, 2 dogs, not enough cats and a mouth with a death wish. Blood group - certifiable.

52 thoughts on “Here I Am!! Ready To Brighten Your Day!!”

  1. Hahahaha! Omg!! I laughed and laughed but really, the flip flop one!! I tried to say it out loud with a French accent and yeah, I suck at that!!

    Thank you so much for making me giggle out loud! I needed that today with all this stupid snow coming!!

    Stay warm!😊💕

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  10. brilliant jokes, I mean I am not and idiot but the one where you say how to trick an idiot I actually tried to click on the arrow !!!!!!! really what was I doing, I need to go and have a drink now,and the one with the pizza my son actually burnt the inside of his mouth on a pizza that I cooked him too!!!!! we all need to laugh more, there is so much anger out there

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  13. The blind man in the bar & wanting to be an adult got me. 🤣🤣🤣

    Speaking of…guy comes into a bar with a briefcase. He grabs a stool, opens the briefcase, pulls out a tiny baby grand piano and a small man in a tux with tails begins to play beautiful music while he does paperwork. The bartender rubs his eyes, sure he is hallucinating. “WHERE did you get THAT guy?” he finally manages.

    “Damn genie must have been hard of hearing. I did NOT ask for a 12″ pianist!”

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  14. Hahaaa these are brilliant, thanks for the giggles!
    However, you’ve also made me feel very dumb.. I’ve re-read this one heaps of times and still don’t get it, and I know it must be super simple and I’m being silly. “My friend says to me: “What rhymes with orange” I said: “no it doesn’t” The WHAT now??
    xx

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  17. Excellent – the clown one made me giggile and snarker it reminded me of this…

    Two cannibals walking in the jungle and come across a dead body. Oh they say, this will feed our tibe and keep them happy. So they each pick up an end of the body, one has the head whilst the other, the feet and start walking back to their village. After a short while while says to the other, I’m kinda hungry, what do you say to us having a snack? The other cannibal agreres and answers Sure, a little bit now will not hurt. After a few minutes, the first cannibal asks his friend how is it going? The second cannibal answers and says “Great l am having a ball!”

    The first one screams in panic “No slow down, slown down you are eating too fast!!”

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  19. hahahahaha!!! The blind man in the bar was hilarious! A kleptomaniac is someone who likes to steal things. Oh, hang on! Is that the pun “because they always take things literally”?

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