It’s only one more day until tomorrow so I thought I’d share some jokes that I find very funny – if you are ‘infantile’ like me, enjoy!
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One turns to the other and says “I think we got this joke wrong”
My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.
I bought my friend an elephant for his room. He said “Thanks” I said “Don’t mention it”
I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it.
I poured root beer in a square glass. Now I just have beer.
My friend says to me: “What rhymes with orange” I said: “no it doesn’t”
And God said to John, come forth and you shall be granted eternal life. But John came fifth and won a toaster. What do we want? Low flying airplane noises! When do we want them? NNNEEEEEEOOOOOOOOWWWWWW.
What do you call a frenchman wearing sandals? Phillipe Phillope.
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.
What do you call a dog that does magic tricks? A labracadabrador.
How do you get two whales in a car? Start in England and drive west.
A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.
Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn’t see that well.
This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.
I went bobsleighing the other day, killed 250 bobs.
I have the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Toronto zoo.
Communism jokes aren’t funny unless everyone gets them.
What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old? Aye matey.
People in Dubai don’t like the Flintstones. But people in Abu Dhabi do!
Guy walks into a bar and orders a fruit punch. Bartender says “Pal, if you want a punch you’ll have to stand in line” Guy looks around, but there is no punch line.
How did the hipster burn his mouth? He ate the pizza before it was cool.
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
Hahahaha! Omg!! I laughed and laughed but really, the flip flop one!! I tried to say it out loud with a French accent and yeah, I suck at that!!
Thank you so much for making me giggle out loud! I needed that today with all this stupid snow coming!!
Stay warm!😊💕
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I saved them all until I had enough. The Phillipe Phillope one had me HOWLING! It’s grim out today isn’t it?
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Yes it is! The sort of calm before the storm!😭😭
I’m sitting here reading a Jenny Hale book and giggling saying Phillip Phillope over and over! I really need help!😂
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I’m wearing flip flops because the dog chewed my slipper so I’m chanting it as I walk around the house.. is it a full moon?!
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Haha who can see the moon with all these friggin clouds??☁☁☁
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Good point! Curses to Canada and there Phillipe-ing lake effect!
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The Weather Channel has us in the 8-12 box!!! What the hell????😭😭
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Grrrr I hate NY!!
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Hehe!! “We wanted to be adults so bad” LOL how true is that statement?
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I know right?! I remember painting my lips with red sweets when I was a kid and my grandad saying ‘little maid looks like someone slit her throat’ in his broad Devon accent! I thought I looked so grown up too!
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LOL omg what a thing to say to a little kid!! I used to want to be grown too! Not so much of a fan of it now though hehe
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Yeah it ain’t so much fun on this side of the schoolyard!
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Hilarious!!!
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Thought all those were current headlines again…
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Haha!!
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So funny! Skyraisins got me 🙂
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That killed me too!!
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Love!❤️😂 too funny!
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It’s good to laugh!
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Absolutely!😎😍
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😄😄😄😄
👏👏👏👏👏👏👏
Ohhhh those were awesome!
Thank you
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We all need a giggle now and then!!
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Yessss! Most of all today!
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Hahaha needed this! Laughed out loud!
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Me too! I giggled again putting it altogether!
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This is SO much fun!!
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I’m glad you enjoyed it 😊
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brilliant jokes, I mean I am not and idiot but the one where you say how to trick an idiot I actually tried to click on the arrow !!!!!!! really what was I doing, I need to go and have a drink now,and the one with the pizza my son actually burnt the inside of his mouth on a pizza that I cooked him too!!!!! we all need to laugh more, there is so much anger out there
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This is true sadly, a little humour makes us all feel better 😊
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Definitely 😂
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The hooker boots and magnet comment from a few weeks ago were the best
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Attractive from the front, repulsive from the back?! I love that one!! I loved the hooker boot one too!
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Definite keepers Britchy!
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Skyraisins! I love that…
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Me too! I burst out laughing!
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I thought the skyraisins was a little gross.
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Yes it nearly put me off proper raisins! My dogs chase flies every time they see them tho!
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The blind man in the bar & wanting to be an adult got me. 🤣🤣🤣
Speaking of…guy comes into a bar with a briefcase. He grabs a stool, opens the briefcase, pulls out a tiny baby grand piano and a small man in a tux with tails begins to play beautiful music while he does paperwork. The bartender rubs his eyes, sure he is hallucinating. “WHERE did you get THAT guy?” he finally manages.
“Damn genie must have been hard of hearing. I did NOT ask for a 12″ pianist!”
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Hahahaha 😂
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Hahaaa these are brilliant, thanks for the giggles!
However, you’ve also made me feel very dumb.. I’ve re-read this one heaps of times and still don’t get it, and I know it must be super simple and I’m being silly. “My friend says to me: “What rhymes with orange” I said: “no it doesn’t” The WHAT now??
xx
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I had to read it twice too! They’re saying it as the first person is asking what word rhymes with orange but the second hears it as the first person saying the word what rhymes WITH orange!
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Jees, I even had to re-read your explanation a few times! Got it – WHAT rhymes WITH orange, said as a statement not a question. That was too much effort for a joke… 😀
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🤣🤣🤣
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Oh my gosh!!! I laughed so hard at some of these!!!!
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Me too! I laugh every time I read them!
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Excellent – the clown one made me giggile and snarker it reminded me of this…
Two cannibals walking in the jungle and come across a dead body. Oh they say, this will feed our tibe and keep them happy. So they each pick up an end of the body, one has the head whilst the other, the feet and start walking back to their village. After a short while while says to the other, I’m kinda hungry, what do you say to us having a snack? The other cannibal agreres and answers Sure, a little bit now will not hurt. After a few minutes, the first cannibal asks his friend how is it going? The second cannibal answers and says “Great l am having a ball!”
The first one screams in panic “No slow down, slown down you are eating too fast!!”
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😂
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Reblogged this on A Guy Called Bloke and K9 Doodlepip! and commented:
Need a bit of humour for the day?
Need l even say who this little lot is from ….?
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hahahahaha!!! The blind man in the bar was hilarious! A kleptomaniac is someone who likes to steal things. Oh, hang on! Is that the pun “because they always take things literally”?
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Yup!!
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Love the dog in the German Shepard meme
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Hilarious! (The “How to trick an idiot” tricked me.)
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