Oh Christmas Tree, Oh Christmas Tree – Why Do You Cause Such Misery?!

~ the britchy one

We have a fake tree because I have a weird allergy to real ones. My hands and face swell up if I touch them and it’s painful. The bizarre thing is that last year I got the hands swelling thing from the fake tree. I think it’s because I put so many lights on it that I was dressing it too long.

I was a bit like Clark Griswold. I had 800 lights on a six foot tree. ‘im indoors thinks there was 400 and he was tutting because I went so overboard with four hundred…

Moving on. Swiftly!

We have a history of Christmas tree disasters. I always had an artificial tree in England. I had a fantastic one that looked so real, people swore I was lying! I loved that tree but I didn’t bring it over here. I didn’t bring anything much, it was just too expensive.

Our first Christmas here we did the whole ‘going to cut a tree’ malarkey. Well, ‘im indoors and the kids did. I was sick so I stayed home. Princess PITA wore glittery ballet style flats in spite of being told to wear her wellies and naturally lost one as mud slurped it off her foot. They all came home, mud up to the arm pits, absolute filthy. Thankfully only one shoe was lost although Fartichoke got sucked out of his wellies too. That’s probably the only time I’ll ever say it would have been better if it was colder!

They’d picked a beautiful big tree. Big tree… BIIIIIGGGGG!

Our house was an older Victorian and it had 11 foot ceilings. The tree was too big both in height and width. We ended up having to saw all the branches off one side and about two feet off the bottom. It ‘didn’t look that big in the field’ apparently! A couple of hours later once the tree had been in the house and warmed up, it started giving us presents. Literally hundreds of little spiders were running out of it. It was like arachnophobia and the scream combined. I think I should have got a medal for both my screaming and profanity. The pitch was glass shatteringly perfect and who knew I could hold a note that long? My nightmares for the next couple of weeks had ‘im indoors wearing ear defenders to bed!

Anyway, the tree was removed tout de suite and a fake one was purchased!

This was fine until a couple of years ago when optimism won over experience and we had a real one again just because ‘im indoors really wanted one.

Against my better judgement we bought one ready cut and I tried decorating it with long sleeves and two pairs of latex gloves.. it just made my poor little hands look like sausages!! We decided to leave it half decorated and I’d finish it the next day. Later that evening we were sitting watching the telly when ‘I’m indoors said ‘what’s that noise?’ I immediately started sniffing thinking the dog had farted but nope, there was rustling!

A quick headcount told me there were no cats in the tree. All three of them were looking through the glass doors. I had shut them all out in the kitchen because George wouldn’t stay out of the bloody tree. ‘im indoors got closer and shook a branch – and out flew a bloody bat! Well the house went wild. He ran into the kitchen and the cats FLEW in and started trying to chase the bat. The tree went flying, pictures were knocked over, the cats were shredding the curtains climbing them. It was a war zone! ‘im indoors was yelling at me to get out of the way and he was trying to swat at the bat. I opened a window trying to get him to chase it out but in all the commotion, he got bit by the bat. I think the bat must have flown out the window because we never found it. I got the cats out under great protest and looked at his hand. It was ugly so off we went to the ER. There we found out that he’d have to have a course of rabies injections since they couldn’t test the bat for rabies. Those injections are extremely painful apparently so I felt very sorry for him.

Unbelievably he’s making noises about having a real tree again this year! The next tree I buy will be a pre-lit bugger – I’m done with Christmas tree disasters!

Published by the britchy one

A PROUD American Citizen who was born and bred in England and now resides in the US. I’m married to an American who really didn’t have a clue what he was letting himself in for - poor sod! I’m a cranky bitch who loves cats and books and hates chocolate, politics and Dave’s. Oh and mosquitos. I hate those blood sucking parasites but since I’ve already mentioned politics I’m repeating myself! I’m a short, skinny redhead, 3 kids, 2 dogs, not enough cats and a mouth with a death wish. Blood group - certifiable.

74 thoughts on “Oh Christmas Tree, Oh Christmas Tree – Why Do You Cause Such Misery?!”

  2. I know I shouldn’t laugh at your misery… but a bat? That’s priceless! We’ve always had a real tree and have always had disasters as well. More trees have fainted in our living room than I care to count. Cat assisted and on their own as well. Usually at 2:00am when I’m sound asleep and am woken by the thunderous crash and shattering of my favorite ornaments. Ah… Christmas. Ho! Ho! Help!

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  7. 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

    Sweet of you to agree to a real tree despite your experiences because your hubby wanted one. First class unselfish wife!

    What is it about chopping down a real tree at a tree farm and coming home to realize that it’s waaay too big for the house. It happened to us twice. . I like huge trees, problem is that they don’t look that big in the field. 😏

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      1. I like how you thought it was the dog! I would have been looking to my dog too if there was a smell, noise, or anything out of the norm. He was probably thinking “See… it isn’t me this time mom!” hahahaha! 🙂

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  10. Haha!!!
    I honestly can’t remember when I last had a real tree in my life. Through college I had a fake tree in my apartments. When my older cat passed away and I adopted my first ever kitten, it became clear to me that I wouldn’t be having a Christmas tree. When I moved to Florida I was given a small metal ornament tree that lives on my entertainment center for the holidays. Last year I got a good deal on a three foot tall, pre-lit fake that also lives on the entertainment center- pictures are on my Christmas decorating post (https://joshs-universe.com/2018/11/08/making-christmas/). While my kittens are not full-on cats, I still don’t trust them with a bigger tree- I’ve invested a lot in fancy Disney ornaments and I’d rather them not be destroyed.

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  11. Big fan of artificial trees here. We live up on the 3rd floor of a garden style condo so not only is space a real thing for us, but dragging it up and down? Never going to happen. I told Mrs B she could have a real tree if she did all the work herself. We haven’t had a real tree yet 😀

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  14. I grew up with a real tree at maternal grandparents and the family fake tree at paternal grandparents. The real tree was always modest & small. The fake one was enormous.

    For about five years, my dad decided that, if it was gonna be a real tree at our house, it needed to stay after Christmas. So, the trees brought home had root balls. The day after Christmas, each year, the tree was planted in the front yard. The idea was to have a row of trees that could be decorated outside.

    No such luck. Each tree managed to die just before the next Christmas. Five years. Five trees. Five deaths. My dad gave up. NC mountain Christmas trees don’t live long in the Piedmont.

    Christmas 1997, my teenage gray tabby tomcat Buddy ripped down the fake tree, all by himself. He wore himself out having fun. I found him in the morning, snoring, on his back right in the middle of the tree…in the floor. He got nicknamed ‘Monster’. Heh.

    You win the tree disaster trophy, hands down. 🌲🎄

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    1. There was a nasty little practise in England whereby tree sellers would blanche the rootball with boiling water effectively killing it. It meant you’d still need to buy one again next year and so on. I wonder if that nastiness made it across the pond??

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      1. Did not know that. That would certainly explain the issue.

        That reminds me of my maternal GM complaining about sewing machines. Well made, metal-parts machines lasted for years. How do you get more customers & more machines sold? Make the internals out of plastic, guaranteeing money for servicing or new machines.

        Hm. Sounds like vehicles, too, come to think of it…🤔🤨

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  22. Ha ha, seriously awesome! Strangely Suze has to have fake trees for the same reason as you, although it affects her when gardening. I tell her to go out togged up to the eyeballs, she pretends not to hear, l play the worlds smallest violin when she comes in yelling that her bare skin is on fire!

    i have tagged you as a perp in a new game l am running called Once Upon A Blog Crime, just so you know 🙂

    https://aguycalledbloke.blog/2018/11/29/once-upon-a-blog-crime/

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  24. I have gotten out of the tree hunting business since the kids were big enough to go with my husband. Unfortunately this year he was too sick to go. (We have to go on the day after Thanksgiving so all the good ones won’t be gone. 🙂 ) So my son We found a tree almost immediately (miracle). Hopefully it will fit in the house.

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  25. This is so funny! Nothing funny or catastrophic has ever happened with our Christmas trees. Except, three years ago we had our tree stolen. It was placed outside and had lots of lights in it. Who steals a Christmas tree? One that is already decorated. After reading your story, I can not help but think and laugh. The thief may have the same allergies as you!

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  30. Oh my god!!!!!! That is awful but sort of awesome all at once! Lol!! Except the part about the bat biting anyone that’s scary! And SPIDERS?! I die. I DIE!!! We have an artificial one too. I can’t seem to keep real ones alive till Christmas and the MESS OF PINE EVERYWHEREEEEEE I cannot deal. We love the smell though so we just get pine candles and scented oils and BOOM.

    Hysterical post.

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