Blondie knew what she was talking about! Nothing is as irritating when you’re trying to read than incessant phone calls. Particularly when they’re asshat sales calls of fuckwittage. This doesn’t bring out my best side. I have reading rabies. Don’t believe me? Interrupt me mid chapter and diagnose it for yourself!
A day in the phone life of me..
Ring, ring. Ring, ring.
Me: Hello…. HELLOOOOO?
First clue that is a telesales call, waiting for the auto dialer to connect…
Telesales twat: Hello can I speak to Donald Woodworth
Me: Not until you sing me the national anthem.
TT: I SAID can I speak to Donald Woodworth.
Me: and I said not until you sing me the national anthem.
TT: I ain’t singing you no national anthem.
Me: Then neither of us are getting what we wanted are we?
TT: I’ll call back later when someone responsible is home.
Me: Practise your singing lady, I’ll be here all day! I’m sorry for lying though.
TT: lyin’?
Me: yup. You’re no lady.
30 minutes later
Ring, ring. Ring, ring.
Me: Hello?
TT: Hello can I speak to Mrs ‘im-indoors?
Me: Which one?
TT: Mrs J ‘im-indoors.
Me: I’m sorry she’s deceased.
TT: Realllllly? Are you sure?
Me: I sure as hell hope so otherwise we buried her prematurely.
Ten minutes later
Ring, ring. Ring, ring.
Me: Hello?
TT: Hello can I speak to Mrs ‘im-indoors? (SAME BLOODY GUY!)
Me: Which one?
TT: Mrs J ‘im-indoors.
Me: Have you ever seen the show “long island medium”?
TT: err no?
Me: Well try there. She’s been dead for two years now kindly funk off.
Just now
Ring, ring. Ring, ring
Me: Hello
TT: Hello can I speak to the person responsible for your power bills
Me: Do you or anyone you know suffer from erectile dysfunction?
TT: WHAT??!!
Me: Do you or anyone you know suffer from erectile dysfunction?
TT: That’s personal!
Me: Don’t be ashamed, it’s a common problem. Don’t suffer from a loss of intimacy because your sexual prowess is failing. Many men of your age have found relief from their *ahem* “little”….problem.
TT: That isn’t relevant.
Me: (soothingly) I know many men who say their wives and girlfriends dismiss their. …. “proportions” as inadequate but we sell Swedish pumps with a proven success ratio for making lions out of lambs.
Me: Hello? HELLOOOOO? I’ve been hung up on!
… and it isn’t even 10:00am yet. My potential hasn’t even been scratched!
LMAO!!!! 😂 🤣 I should do this the next time I get one of those calls… I’m laughing so damn hard over here! Love it!!! 😂 🤣
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Honestly – I whine but they inspire my creativity when answering them so really I should thank them!
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You are most certainly a clever, quick thinking, creative talker when answering the phone. OMG! I’m still laughing. 😅 😆
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I worked for the Ministry of Defence and Her Majesty’s prison service in England. I learned fast how to be a smartarse lol
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You’re damn good at it. Bravo!!!
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😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
Don’t put these ideas in my head! I literally have tears rolling down my cheeks. You make me belly laugh.
God bless you!!!
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I have a love hate relationship with them. I love playing with them but I hate it when I’m reading!
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If I don’t recognize the number I don’t answer. But I just might start answering with a British accent and heckle them…
#takebackthepower
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My accent is such a killjoy. I can’t do prank calls here!
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Well that stinks…. what’s your number? I have some breast enhancing pharmaceuticals that are a must for you!!
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It’s 1-800 NAFF OFF 😂
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I’ve never NAFF’d before lol!!!!
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There’s a first time for everything!!
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Is it hard?
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I think you’ll take to it like a duck to water!
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I’m glad you believe in me so much britchy!
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Dang, you get “real” people to harass back? We get nothing but robotic calls with automatic messages telling us there is nothing wrong with our credit cards, but just to be sure, we should give Company X a call.
We have an answering machine at home and no longer pickup, period.
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I get both sorts. They ALL drive me nuts!
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This is great! 😂😂😂
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Thank you 😊
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Oh my what a conversation that was. Loved it. I bet he will never call again. 😂😂😂
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Bet he does! Those buggers are tenacious!
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And on landline you can’t block people like you can on cell phones.
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Probably part of the reason they’re going the way of the dodo
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Yeah, most likely.
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So true! Once I received a phone call which was really a recording, so I hung up. IMMEDIATELY, and I mean, IMMEDIATELY after I hung up, the phone rang back and it was THE SAME RECORDING wanting to continue on from the part where I hung up.
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That’s diabolical!!
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I know! Thankfully, that’s only happened once.
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This is so funny. I bet the telemarketing person will have a nervous twitch now. Not sure I could manage this. I can just about slam the phone down.
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I do even better with Jehovahs witnesses at the door!
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When I was a kid my best friends dad would Keep a bucket of water next to the front door to throw over callers he didn’t like….
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Knowing me… I’d kick the bucket 😂
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Hilarious!
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That had me in absolute stitches 😂😂
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Starting the weekend with a giggle is better than a robocall!
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I like to ask them the last time their wife or mother was properly fucked!
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They can hang up – have at ‘em!!
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Exactly. We should be sales people!!!
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Then we’d be the annoying wanksocks! That needs a rethink lol
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True, unless they are in dire need of a prank call division.
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I’d have found my true calling!
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LOL
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THAT’s a good suggestion! LOL
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Hahahah, thanks JM
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Brilliant! Gotta’ remember that (and Britchy’s lines).
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lol, glad I could help out.
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Did you like Britchy’s role in ‘Winter Kill Chapter 4’?
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I did Rue, I really liked the picture you used to introduce her and apparently she is a fearless badass in Winter Kill
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Britchy told me that I totally nailed her and her unrepentant lack of good behaviour (literal quote). My mum couldn’t stop laughing at the introductory photo – but also couldn’t stop shaking her head at me.
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Ha, keep it up Rue. You have a talent for capturing people’s persona.
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Thanks! Does that mean I nailed your character?
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I haven’t read the latest chapter yet, but I will say, you seem to have captured my nonchalant way not givin a crap and being too into myself. Honestly, its a side effect of being the total package for a ladies man, if I do say so myself.
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And quite modest, too…
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Totally, I’m the most modest guy you’ll ever meet. Plus I’m so very humble!!!
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Wow! So overwhelming! I never would have guessed.
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lol
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I love this. I wish I could be a fly on the wall during these conversations. 🙂
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You’d be encouraging me lol
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Oh I totally would be. And coming up with more ideas on how to torment them 😂😂😂😂
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What are you currently reading? I’m always looking for book suggestions.
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I’m re reading A Discovery Of Witches by Deborah Harkness as I love that trilogy and A Prayer For Owen Meany because I love that too and The Thirteenth Tale by Diane Setterfield.
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That’s 3 books! How are you reading 3 books simultaneously?
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I always do. I have books all over so I just pick up whatever ones nearest ! I’ve always done that
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Oh!
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What kind of books do you like to read?
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I honestly don’t have a special genre. I like anything from suspense murder or horror mysteries (a la Stephen King), to non-fiction historical writings (James Baldwin novels), memoirs, crime thrillers and even self help books (e.g. Dale Carnegie). I especially like Court room dramas, my all time favorite book is Harper Lee’s “To Kill a Mockingbird”.
I’m currently reading “Red Notice” by Bill Browder, which is a political thriller and also nonfiction. It’s really good so far.
The only genre I’m not too keen on is Sci-fi/Fantasy, even though I did enjoy “The Hunger Games” Trilogy.
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I loved To Kill A Mockingbird. I love the style, written through the eyes of a child. I’d HIGHLY recommend The Power Of One by Bryce Courtenay. I absolutely loved it. They made a film of it and it’s seriously the worst film of a book I’ve ever seen.
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I’ll put it on my list. Thanks Britchy. After I give it a read I’ll let you know my thoughts.
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I’ll look forward to that 😊
I think you’ll love it. I burst out laughing, I cried, it was a book I never wanted to end.
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Oh wow! I’m intrigued. I might just move it up on my book list to my February read. 😃
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Madam, YOU are responsible for gut wrenching, tear inducing belly laughs. “Fuckwittage??” BWAHAHHAHAHAH!!! “Telesales TWAT??” Oh my GAWD… BWAHAHHAHAH!!! Excuse me. I have a telemarketer to burn…. Thanks! 😀
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😂😂😂😂😂
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Ask him if he feels lucky!!
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I pretend to take messages quite often. But then other times I just hang up – ain’t got time for any of it. Why are you getting so many calls? Are you on some sort of “Please call me” list?
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I must be because it’s flippin’ incessant
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😂😂😂
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Priceless! I knew there was a reason I liked you…
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So I live in the nanny suite of a house my employers own, and for the last 6 months or so, I keep getting calls for duct cleaning and every time I say that I don’t own a house so please stop calling. I’ve been blocking the numbers but every time it’s a different number. And every time I tell them to stop calling me. Once I even yelled at whoever called because it was the 2nd call that day!! It’s about once every 2 weeks now. So when it happened yesterday I decided to be calm and ask what the deal was. The guy was actually really nice about it. He said he would see to it my name was removed from the list since I don’t even own a house. And I told him I hope he does because if not, I’m going to start collecting call logs and recording the calls and report them for harassment
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I’ve done that in the past too. They’re assholes
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True!! Like I get it if I actually had ducts to clean but how many times do I have to say I don’t own a house!!!
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You need to do a podcast with these – it would be wildly popular!
I am in awe of your creativity (while also still being funny). I have zero patience and just hang up on telemarketers. I find it to be the most efficient and satisfying for me.
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I have my days when I just can’t be arsed to be smart – and that’s why I have my trusty referees whistle. I’ve blasted many an eardrum to smithereens and I have NOOOOO regrets! None, nada, Zilch!
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I’d feel horrible for my cats.
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The Swedish pumps are a myth anyway
Best regards
A Swede
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Women know that, men live in hope 😂
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Hahaha you are hysterical!!😂😂💙
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I bet you have reading rabies too don’t you?!
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Oh yessss!! We are in NC by the way!! Its sunny and 50!!
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I’m so jealous!! Enjoy your new home 😊
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I will be waiting for you!! We hit hellacious snow in Buffalo and Erie and it really slowed us down! I’m so happy to be out of that stupid state!!
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I can’t wait. I hate it here.
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I know. We were only there for a year and a half and we couldn’t wait to get out!!
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I didn’t realise you were not here long! Hopefully NC will keep you a while 😊
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This is hilarious! I don’t miss those calls… we don’t get anymore now that we’ve moved.
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Girl this is hilarious !! I see you’re still at it with your funny posts! I’ve missed you!! By the way, I’m the one that was behind personalgrowthsuccessblog.com! I just recently decided to go self hosted and start all over again 🙂 I’d love to connect with you over there! Come check it out sometimes!! Here’s one of my most recent posts https://jessierenea.com/slow-progress-is-better-than-no-progress
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It’s nice to see you back again 😊
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Thank you! Feels good to be back!! I’m hoping to see better results this time around since I’m self hosted 💕
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I’d like to be a mole in your brain, tracking the synapses to see what kind of sparking/crackling/firepopping is taking place. Because…dang!…it’s craz-eee what it comes up with!
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I am going be curious to see if they find anything at all!!
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Ha ha – l do similiar things, Suze tells me off, and tells me off when l start quoting privacy laws at them, and not having my permission to call me in the first place! Or the ultimate when she is the phone being ”polite” to them which angers me even more!! So l start swearing and cussing loud enough for the caller to hear it, then take the phone from her and cussing in an imaginary language and begging for help, l am new to this world!
I think this might be why Suze walks into the other room!
These people DO NOT deserve politeness they deserve bluntness!
Good post Madam B 🙂
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Reblogged this on Therapy Bits and commented:
This is soooo damn funny! You tell em girl! I luove it! 😛
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Thank you 😊
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You’re welcome. Looking forward to reading more from your blog😗🙃😄
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It’s full of crap. Be warned!!
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Lol 😏
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You are my hero. Angelic voice wielded as a sharp knife…
I get ill as a water moccasin when my reading is interrupted. “Can’t you SEE I am BUSY?”
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Exactly! A book counts as a ‘twatbegone’ sign surely?!
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😄
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I’m sick and tired of sales people calling. Should remember the next time I speak to one to say “Are you deaf and dumb? Or just suffer from a mental illness? I’m not interested!”
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I love these. Here’s a fun one, “Oh wow that’s really interesting, I think I need to go get my credit card for you, hang on a minute, I’ll be right back.” Put the phone down, never go back…. bwah ha ha hah
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….whaddya mean I can’t pay with my loyalty card? ! I’m a very loyal person!
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LOL perfect!
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You are hilarious and I’m now looking forward to the next call from a telemarketing company
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They’re so annoying – and your response so hilarious! Especially the erectile dysfunction one!
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Well I can’t comment on your story itself but I’m really enjoying reading each chapter. I’m sure my family think I’m scheming up trouble the way I’m smirking and chuckling here (they are SOOOO untrusting 🙄)
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