“You’re not funny!!!!”

I can’t count how many times that’s been yelled at me. I am a teeny tiny bit of a practical joker. Hard to believe I know but there it is.

I think the first time I remember pranking someone was when I was 14 and it was my mum.

We had a townhouse in London, the sort of house with a walkout basement and big iron railings at the front. The kitchen, dining room and playroom were in the basement/lower ground/call-it-what-you-will.

Mum had gone shopping and as I heard her come in and head for the stairs, I decided, with all the wisdom a 14 year old possesses (which, as it turns out, is a lot more than I have now) – I decided to lie on the floor and pretend to be unconscious.

Brilliant huh?!

Mum walked into the kitchen, saw me laid artistically on the floor, screeched like the Banshee of Ballymena and dropped all the shopping bags. Turned out she’d bought a couple of dozen eggs but how was I to know?!

Anyway she rushed over, turned my face – and I grinned at her and winked.

Boy did my mum have a bigger vocabulary than I thought!! Who even KNEW mums knew words like that?! It was impressive if a bit scary! She kicked me about eight times too which in hindsight I guess I deserved.

You’d think I’d have learned my lesson but nooo. Not me.

Family, friends, co-workers. Even my kids. No one is safe! My best friend, Titselina Bumsqueak would tell you about the time we were both staying at my house. We’d spent the evening shovelling crisps, sweets and coke down our necks watching Hammer House of Horror films (those were the days!!) so we were a bit jumpy.

Every light in the house on while we were going to bed because, you know, scary fings!

Anyway she had to go to the loo so she went to the bathroom nearest my room. I knocked on the door and said I couldn’t wait and I was going to the other bathroom then promptly went back and got UNDER her bed!

I turned the light off on her in the loo because otherwise she’d suspect I was up to something else. She was frightfully suspicious minded like that. Dunno why..

So I’m lying there. Under her bed. Waiting. Trying desperately not to giggle.

Just an aside, you have NO IDEA how much girls fart when they think no one can hear them!

Eventually she gets back into bed, the rotten bitch turned all the lights off too so I’d have to come into the room in the dark. So she’s there. Waiting.

By the grace of God someone else had obviously got up as I heard a toilet flush – so I knew she’d be expecting me to return any minute. So I poked the bottom of her bed and groaned. She was so still for a minute she wasn’t even breathing. So I waited a couple of minutes and did it again.

On went the bedside light in case I’d snuck in but nope. She was on her own. I knew by this point she was really on edge so God knows where she got the courage – but she leaned over and put her hand on the floor to balance while she looked under the bed. I could see all of this obviously so as her hair appeared a second before her face I took a deep breath and blew a big raspberry at her!!

She screamed the bloody house down. Dad went mental. Another normal Saturday night at el Casa de Britchy!

I used to love getting my daughter because she’s really jumpy. I’d wait until she was totally engrossed in texting while we’d be driving somewhere then I’d let out a blood curdling scream. I’m very good at screams. She would throw/drop her phone and go all Butter-fingers-y trying to catch it. All the while calling me rotten names!

I got my son beautifully at Christmas, I’d fallen asleep on the couch in the TV room but woken up. I was on my own and quite enjoying it. I heard him walk through the kitchen so I shut my eyes. The TV room leads out into the deck and he was going out to call his girlfriend. He was bent over putting his boots on … so in a very high pitch squeak I screeched “Beetlejuice”!! I don’t know why I picked that, even I don’t know what’s coming out of my mouth next. He lurched forward in shock and crashed his head into the wall. At least HE laughed.

As for my husband- PFFFFFT!! My husband won’t go to the restaurant supplies store in town with me anymore… miserable shit.

Just because I hid behind a tower of those enormous bath size saucepans, you know the really HUGE ones.. and I jumped out and screamed “supplies!!!” in his face.

He didn’t think I was at all funny but it WAS a supplies store FFS. You should expect a supplies in a supplies store! He still sulks when I retell that story.

I’ll save the co-workers for another day because that definitely deserves its own space!