….And that was just the therapist.
Ever had one of those days where your mouth is ten steps ahead of your common sense?
I was at the physical therapists yesterday. I wasn’t looking forward to it, I’d had a bad night and couldn’t sleep with pain so whilst I started off smiley and polite.. yeah – it didn’t last long!
Especially not when my appointment time was 7am. No good comes from a day that starts with a PT appointment at 7am. Now you know.
I got to the reception to be greeted by the blinding white teeth of Pamela Permatan. I don’t know how she held her head up with the amount of make up she had on but I envied her neck muscles! I barely sat down before Maximilian Metro-Sexual minced through to get me.
First we had to sit and go through my family medical history back as far as the Pharoahs. Just as a recap, I was there because I’ve stuffed my neck. I get how headaches are relevant and osteoporosis etc but some of the other stuff? I’m a female. This maybe a surprise to some of you but hey ho, here we are! Please explain the relevance of my families history of prostate cancer? Breathing disorders? Diabetes?
Or breast cancer for that matter! When we got to that one I did lose patience – the interrogation was numbing my will to live. I told ol’ Maxi Pad to keep his mitts off my lady lumps or he’d be known as ‘high pitch’ for the rest of his life. We left medical history behind and proceeded to the next level. Range of Motion.
So I’m following the green cross code, ‘Look left’ ‘look right’ ‘look left’ again. ‘Stand up’ ‘sit down’
‘Heil Hitler’… he honest-to-dog said that. I honest-to-dog said WTF?!
In my case it was more like Heil Beagle because, like I told him, I can’t lift my flipping arms up!
So we start with the actual touchy feely stuff where he was holding my neck, shoulder blades, shoulder joints etc while I did what I was told.
So he had hold of my arm and shoulder and without warning, moved them in opposite directions. Then he asked probably the stupidest question of all time..
“Does this hurt?”
You’ve just twisted someone’s arm so badly they have tears running down their face and you need to ask that?
With my temper rising, I peeled my lips back like a Jack Russell with distemper and snarled through gritted teeth – ‘Will it hurt when I twist your bollocks into a pretzel, asshole?’
He obviously didn’t learn from my previous comments. He will though! I have another appointment tomorrow and I’m wearing heels. One wrong move and he loses toes when I accidentally-on-purpose spike them!