A Bitchin’ Letter To Santa

It’s funny, I was just reminiscing. When I first heard about “Toy Story” the movie and the characters, “Buzz” and “Woody”.. I have to be honest and say I was expecting a totally different type of film..

It got me thinking though about things I’d really like for Christmas. They ranged from ice cube makers that make cubes to the perfect level of crunchiness to a subscription to cake of the day club teleportation devices so I could travel without being squelched by x ray machines and endless queues without shoes courtesy of the TSA.

I am not expecting any of that from Santa this year. I think ‘Elf and Safety’ will put the kibosh on him delivering them so I had a rethink and here’s my letter to Santa.

Dear Santa,

In addition to my usual lump of coal I have a request for another pressie this year please.

I’d like the heart of a six year old.

Yikes! Where’s an elf when you need them? SANTA NEEDS THE HEIMLICH RUDOLPH! Silly Santa, you know you shouldn’t eat cookies while reading my letters, it’s just too much to expect to swallow both.

I digress, I know you told me off about that last year (when you wouldn’t bring me a poop catapult) but honestly, I wouldn’t have digressed if you weren’t so gullible and now I’ve done it again.

Where was I? Oh yes- Poop catapult the heart of a six year old. I didn’t mean a real one silly! I think I’ve been telling you off for being too literal since 1984 but like me, you don’t learn!

I’d like the joy and acceptance in life a six year old has. The certain knowledge that their parents know everything. That there’ll be dinner on the table and a bed to sleep in.

The belief in magic and prayer. That they can grow up to be whatever they want to be.

To believe that people are good and to just see people – Colour and race aren’t on their radar, just nice and mean.

The acceptance a six year old has that people’s different customs are cool and fun. Spider-Man is real along with Santa and the tooth fairy and the scariest person in the world is mummy when your room is a mess.

The certain horror that kissing the opposite sex will give them cooties!

I’d like to be free of the cynicism and mistrust of adulthood. I’d like to see the good in unexpected rainbows. The happiness of picking the reddest Apple, having your favourite dinner, it being the day your favourite tv show is on. I want all the enthusiasm and fun back please.

Don’t forget the coal though. It’s the perfect size to throw at next door’s dog when he’s pissing me off.

Thank you



Oh and Santa replied y’know. He’s good like that.

Dear Britchy,

You can have it all, Right now, before Christmas even.

All you have to do is believe..

Love, Santa

PS: You’re still getting coal.

42 thoughts on “A Bitchin’ Letter To Santa

  1. Aww! I started this post thinking it was going to be super hilarious and that I shouldn’t be drinking coffee just in case I happen to snort it, and then it turned out really sweet!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh Santa surely enjoys the hearts of every six year old… Or that of any child-like. It’s those hearts that carry the magic left in this world… The magic that keeps Santa alive and well;)

    Liked by 2 people

  3. LOL! Very funny. A 6-yr-old’s outlook on life is simple – Dad’s stronger than Super Man, is always right 🙂 and Mum’s the best cook. Absolute joy and fascination about life (and constantly getting into scrapes).

    Liked by 2 people

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