I’m constantly thinking up little gems as ‘im indoors calls them. When I remember I make a note and when I have enough I inflict them on you.
I thought I’d found a lump in each of my breasts. Turns out it was just my knees.
There is a reason it’s called ‘girls gone wild’ and not ‘women gone wild’. When girls go wild, they show their tits. When women go wild, they kill men and drown their kids in a tub.
I’ve figured out the chemical composition of Holy Water
The parts within you that you water, will grow.
The hardest part of having pets is that they have such short lives. The hardest part of having ex’s is that they don’t.
When sending an ‘open letter’ to a celebrity or person of note, be sure to mail them a copy. It’s not an open letter to them if they can’t see it, it’s merely a narcissistic rant designed to give the writer a chance to pontificate.
I picked up a magazine while shopping called “Wood”
Well that was a disappointment..
Be the parent of your future and not the child of your past
Every time I open my mouth it’s to put something in it. It’s always either food or a foot
And lastly, I’m in trouble. Again. All I did was tell my daughter how to say happy new year in Chinese. I only got it a LITTLE bit wrong….
Hei yoo fat kun sounds about right…. sheesh..