The Pint and The Pickle

Some of you may have read the Ladeez night story and wondered what happened to Titselina Bumsqueak’s ex. We fixed Fat Sharon but what about TB’s ex? Percy Pickle?

They say confession is good for the soul – well… I guess it’s time for a spot of spiritual harmony!

So where did we leave off? Pretty much with the scant info that Fat Sharon had been playing “hide the sausage” with TB’s boyfriend, Percy Pickle.

Obviously our first instinct was to wallop him with a baseball bat. However, frankly, there isn’t enough cake in the world to give us the calories we’d have expended on doing the job right.

Time for Plan B.

B for Bitches heh, heh.

We decided we’d give him a night to remember so the three of us headed out to the pub. We’d deliberately planned it so he left his car at home and TB picked him up. He was as tight as a ducks arse so not having to use his own petrol was too tempting.


So we got to the pub. He was the last in as usual because he’d do anything to avoid buying a round. I went to the bar and got a Bacardi and coke, a Pernod and Blackcurrant, a pint of snakebite (half lager, half cider) and a double vodka.

Neither TB or I were wearing lipstick. I don’t know if you remember the 80’s but – not wearing lippy?! How was that not a dead giveaway that we were “Up.To.No.Good”?!

Anyway, a quick swing of the beer. A tilt of the wrist. One empty vodka glass and an easier trip to the table!

I “accidentally” spilt my Pernod concoction on him.. he was wearing one of those sand washed silk shirts so you know THAT was ruined. I went up for another drink and a double Brandy and Coke for him as an “I’m (not) Sorry”!

Boy he could put it away! He had another double brandy and six pints of snakebite (and vodka!) before he was paralytic.

We were so glad we’d stuck to our guns about staying local. No taxi would’ve taken him in that state and we had to pretty much carry him back to TB’s.

I hope you’re not thinking “They got him drunk – a hangover counts as revenge?”

I hope you know better than that!

Yes dear reader, the fun was just beginning.

We flopped him onto the sofa and pushed him about a bit, called him, shook him but he was out cold. Perfect.

Back in those pre internet days when google research meant “heft yourself around the shops until you find what you want” life just wasn’t so easy. I’d gone to the library, the hardware store, the sewing shop and finally a health food shop.

I wanted to find out exactly what Woad was. I settled for green vegetable dye.

Now vegetable dye is very different to food coloring. If you get a bit of food colouring on yourself you CAN scrub it off. It might take a couple of attempts but you’ll get it done.

Vegetable dye is permanent. VERY permanent..

I went out to the kitchen to make the potion. TB decided to improvise and went for a razor. By the time I got back into the room he had no eyebrows and half a mustache. We’re not ones to leave a job half done but sometimes – it’s serendipitous.

With a paintbrush I painted “LIAR” across his forehead. Each time it dried I went over it. About half a dozen times in total.

I’d mixed up a lot of dye. It was a shame to waste it.

TB decided that wasn’t enough Revenge though so she waggled his willy in the dye several times. It was well and truly covered.

Incidentally I mixed that stuff up in a plastic bowl which was permanently stained!

Next day we sat waiting for him to wake up. He laid there spread eagled, snoring like a pig. We sat and waited. And waited (Oh in case you’re wondering, She had “tucked him in” again!)

Eventually he stirred mid afternoon and she went off on him like a ballistic banshee. I’m pretty certain she cracked windows three streets over with her screeching. She told him she knew about him and Fat Sharon and he could.. go forth and multiply! No cup of tea, no trip to the loo, he was lucky to get thrown out in one piece – and he ran like a weasel too – the wimp!

He had to get the bus home. Don’t forget he had no idea what he looked like at this point.

No eyebrows. Half a mustache. Cabbage green epithet on his head.

Apparently he had a lot of people laughing at him and tutting and telling him he was disgusting!

We sat waiting for the phone to ring. This was back in the days before cell phones, caller display and answer phones. The phone rang a couple of times and we pounced to answer it but it wasn’t him. It was very disappointing.

It took him until about 8:00pm to call! He’d gone to his local for a hair of the dog – obviously without showering, changing or brushing his hair the filthy beast!! They’d laughed their heads off at him and made him go to the men’s and look in the mirror.

We’re guessing he FLEW home after that! He phoned and boy, did he know a lot of swear words! He obviously STILL hadn’t found out about his willy though as he didn’t mention it!

We left the phone off the hook after that and went to OUR local and told them all about it! We had taken photos but we had to wait to get them developed – how did we even survive the primitive conditions we lived under?!

We know he called in sick for a couple of days because he worked with TB’s brother. He was obviously trying to get the dye off his face. Apparently he practically scrubbed it raw but it was still visible. It was still faintly visible two weeks later when we saw him in town.

….God only knows how long he was celibate!!

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