..because the thoughts that fall, kicking and screaming from my head need a safe place to land..
I have got a mahooosive fridge freezer. It's wider than I'm long. It's 66"" wide, I'm 61" tall. I love it but the boys? Not so much! The problem is the doors weren't hung quite right when it was fitted. The fridge side is off slightly which causes it to reopen if you don't shut … Continue reading Fartichoke And The Revenge Of The Fridge
The editor of a local paper hears about these two twins in the retirement home Harriet and Hazel who is celebrating their 102nd Birthday. He needs a feel-good story for filler so he sends down a photographer to snap some pictures. He gets there and asks the twins if he can take their picture. Harriet … Continue reading Getting The Story Straight..
Hidden. If ever there was a prompt to describe my misdeeds this is it! I knew sooner or later the opportunity to tell part two of The Light Story and here it is! You might want to read that first if you haven't. Anyway, the morning after the night before, we got up and drove … Continue reading This Little Light Of Mine…
It's the little things in life! That's what they say isn't it? Well, that and little things amuse little minds... Guilty As Charged M'Lud!! We completed on this house on a Friday and had to be here at 8:30am for the walkthrough. The previous owners were driving to Florida and wanted to get a wiggle … Continue reading Let There Be Light…. Unless The Lady Of The House Says Otherwise
Is there a prize for the most syllables in a post title? If there is I should definitely win for this one. Sometimes my life stories have a moral to them. Other than the usual 'Never trust a smiling Britchy' or a quiet Britchy actually, or a chatty Britchy or a... yeah I think you … Continue reading Orchestration Of Castration Without Hospitalization
Last year I wrote a Dear Ex blog post full of embedded song links. It was a lot of work! Because I’m as dumb as I look I thought I’d do it again to amuse you so, without further ado, I give you - well, a Social Distancing play list! So here I am in … Continue reading Is It A Post?! Is It A Playlist?! Sing Me A Song!
After a trying time at the title and tags office both my cars are now NC registered. I’m finally incognito without those ol’ NY plates! Not that everyone can ever be truly incognito with a Mini Cooper but - it’s the thought that counts. I had to send the title to the Lincoln back to … Continue reading Of Tags and Teases
I’m still flat on the sofa. A victim of postprandial somnolence after yesterday’s relentless feasting. I glad I’m not by the ocean or I’d have Greenpeace on one side and a Japanese Whaler on the other. Yes, I really did eat THAT MUCH!! There were only three of us this year but that didn’t stop … Continue reading Thanksgiving: The Aftermath
In wine there is wisdom, In beer there is freedom, In water there is ....bacteria but not JUST bacteria.. If you believe the Scientists, if we drink a liter of water every day for a year, at the end of the year we would have drunk more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) … Continue reading H2 eau neau!!!!!
Snow in November is caused by people decorating for Christmas too early. This is known as Premature Precipitation. You’ll know if you’ve been Prematurely Precipitated if you are suddenly covered in white stuff. With Premature Precipitation you can never know how long it will last or how many inches you’ll get. There is a very … Continue reading November, Month Of The Damned..
In the Bible, Satan aka the serpent, tempted Eve into sin with an apple. It’s. I’ve to know some things never change huh?! Apples led me astray today as well. It wasn’t a very long walk admittedly. Truth be told, I have frequent flyer miles in sinning.. Moving swiftly on! I was in Wegmans and … Continue reading Apples and …Ketchup?!
So I haven’t been all sweetness and light this summer. Hard to believe I know but there it is. I found time for a little naughtiness along the way! I went down to Georgia for my grandsons first birthday. I know! It’s only five minutes since he was born! How the heck did that happen?! … Continue reading Cracklin’ Crap and Infested Drawers..
Aren’t men funny? In every sense of the word. Funny ha-ha, funny peculiar and funny-why-are-you-still-alive? ‘im indoors is a prime example. There’s the easy way, the hard way and his way. I have the patience of a saint I’m telling ya! Cars. I want to buy a new/newer car when we move. I’ve kind of … Continue reading Geezerly McFuddy-Duddy And The Oldest Swinger In Town.
Well in spite of being extraordinarily busy at work and working extra hours every day this week.. I still found time to ponder a load of crap. Obviously this means YOU now have to ponder it too! These are the things I think of when I’m hiding out in the bathroom because I’m over peopled!! … Continue reading Things I Just Don’t Get..
I must admit that at my age...I started to think about this. It was very reassuring to take this quick test and know this ...I'm good! If you are over 40 yrs old, you absolutely SHOULD take this Alzheimer's Test Scroll on.. How fast can you guess these words and fill-in the blanks? 1. _ … Continue reading Self Examination Alzheimer’s Test….
This whole 'Having A Job Malarkey' is really getting in the way of me living my best life. I need cheering up. That means you have to suffer along while I amuse myself! Smile Peasants!!! A woman walks into a library and asked if they had any books about paranoia. The librarian says "They're right … Continue reading Hump Day Fun
So this was an educational weekend. We got a lot of gardening done but the kitchen progress stalled because Home Depot cut the kitchen counter tops incorrectly. I did suggest ‘im indoors measured them before accepting them but What Do I Know. I Am A Mere Woman And Shouldn’t Trouble My Pretty Little Head With … Continue reading What A Palaver!
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday. 'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror . On the morning … Continue reading Life Is A Roller Coaster..
Weird things I’ve rehomed ... or misappropriated if you believe in the police report fairy.. In my defence, it was justifiable retribution! Details will follow after I double check the statute of limitations and the fifth amendment. •The HT leads off a Ford tractor (Ireland) •Several car aerials (all from bastards) •Garden gnomes (postcards were … Continue reading Well – How Did THAT Happen?!
I was looking up cocktail recipes and boy some of them are complicated!! My all time favourite, a Rum Runner has more ingredients than I've got brain cells... fact! No wonder they're so expensive (but yummy!) I started thinking about creating cocktails myself and you'll be unsurprised to know I have come up with one. … Continue reading Name Your Poison!!
Never kiss frogs. They might turn into a handsome prince and who’s got time for that shit? Being married to a "Dave" means leaving this world the way you came into it.. Screaming and covered in someone else's blood... Dear Sneeze, if you're gonna happen, Happen! Don't put a stupid look on my face and … Continue reading Saturday Thoughts…
Sooooo I went to Walmart yesterday. I thought it would be nice to buy some stationery (school supplies) for my nieces because they love that stuff. I can get them things here none of their friends have. It’s fun. I am not equipped for thinking OR Walmart. In spite of previous disgrace and mortification I … Continue reading Don’t Make Me Go To Walmart!!
Swearing or NOT Swearing - A Load Of Old Shit? I over heard a child swearing in Wegmans today. I really should thank Wegmans sometime. There's a large portion of my posts that exist solely because of interactions therein! Anyway. The little boy must've been about two. He was sitting in the cart while his … Continue reading Well, Son of A Beech…
....you know it's going to be one of those days when your daughter texts you a picture of a fella and you text back: How much did you drink? 1. He's too old for you 2. He's repulsive. 3. Check the sex offender registry because that right there is a pervert. ....and she replies "That's … Continue reading The Frog Prince?
I was thinking about the things I’d change if I was President for the day. Here are some of them. 365 day Presidents’ Day sales in shoe stores. Junk emails and scams punishable by castration or beheading. In many cases it’s the same thing. Same goes for unsolicited telesales calls and people selling our data. … Continue reading When I’m President For The Day..
I'm constantly thinking up little gems as 'im indoors calls them. When I remember I make a note and when I have enough I inflict them on you. You're welcome. I thought I'd found a lump in each of my breasts. Turns out it was just my knees. There is a reason it's called 'girls … Continue reading More Of My Shittery..
Blondie knew what she was talking about! Nothing is as irritating when you're trying to read than incessant phone calls. Particularly when they're asshat sales calls of fuckwittage. This doesn't bring out my best side. I have reading rabies. Don't believe me? Interrupt me mid chapter and diagnose it for yourself! A day in the … Continue reading Don’t Leave Me Hangin’ On The Telephone…
Christmas has come and gone and we’re already half way through January but I’m not done with it! Oooh no! I haven’t had a chance yet to tell you about it. I had a lot of fun playing tricks on people but there was one where I got EVERYONE! It was glorious. I tried to … Continue reading Howdy Doody Dinner..
Dear Whack Job Scientists, If ever you feel like taking a break from some of your more ludicrous experiments like The Propulsion Parameters Of Penguin Poop, Fruit Bat Fellatio or The Impact Of Wet Underwear On Thermal Comfort In The Cold, I have a challenge for you that will make women fawn all over you. … Continue reading Weight Loss, World Peace And Getting Whack Job Scientists Laid
It’s back to being just the two of us for a while which is nice. Well, the two of us and Daisy the devil dog. Oh and Milo the farting beagle, Chunks the Destroyer Of Cat Food And Hell Boy, the scaredy cat. But if you don’t count all of them - it’s just the … Continue reading Domestic… Bliss?!
We need some silliness I think! Here’s a little seasonal kitchen tip for those, like me, facing snowstorms: Put boiling water in the freezer. Then whenever you need boiling water, all you have to do is defrost it! I’m ever so helpful ain’t I?! It isn't a voodoo doll it's a pin cushion and any … Continue reading Weekend Funnies
I had to go to Best Buy today as I wanted an original Samsung charger for my tablet. I went in wearing my "vegetarian vampire" shirt and this mall cop stood right in front of me stuck his thumbs in his belt all cocky and said " So what does a vegetarian vampire do then?" … Continue reading Deep Holes And Shallow Thoughts
My life has just reached a new low - I was chatted up in Walmart *sigh* "Hunka-hunka-burninlurve" INSISTED he knew me, he said he must have gone to school with me (Errrr NO!) Was I friends with X,Y or Z? NOPE!! Persistent little shitpot - then he said “Maybe I come in to where you … Continue reading Walmart Dating. Or Not..
Last week Bottomless Coffee ran a question and answer session which was a lot of fun. He challenged those of us who asked questions to allow our readers the same opportunity - so I did! Here are the questions I was asked and my answers to them. If you asked me questions or even if … Continue reading Reader Request Friday’s
It's only one more day until tomorrow so I thought I'd share some jokes that I find very funny - if you are 'infantile' like me, enjoy! I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day. I told my girlfriend she drew … Continue reading Here I Am!! Ready To Brighten Your Day!!
A friend and I were out shopping this morning and got into a lift (elevator) with a guy with horrific dandruff. When he got out she turned to me and said "Someone needs to give him some head and shoulders" I've been thinking all morning and I just can't work it out.. how in HELL … Continue reading Monday Funday or Shopping Is Murder..
Facebook just got me in trouble. I hope you’re happy now Mark bloody Zuckerberg. Next time your going to steal an idea from the Winkytosser twins think of the innocent victims.. like me. One of my friends posted this: Naturally it made me think and I thought ‘I wonder if I can still whistle’ ... … Continue reading Whistle While You Work..
Something to think about - make today YOURS!! Why is vanilla ice cream white when vanilla extract is brown? Statistic of the day: More Americans have been married to Kim Kardashian than have died of Ebola. The statistic does not state which is considered a worse fate. If you came with Instructions, what would they … Continue reading A Little Something For The Weekend?
I might have been a little bit naughty. Or Educational, take your pick. One of my friends who shall remain nameless (male and thicker than poo!!) was posting that his internet was really slow. Being "helpful" I told him his posts weren't showing up and that he must be was having connectivity issues and to … Continue reading Earth Men Are Easy
It sFnowed and turned to ice this morning and yesterday morning. It was below freezing both mornings too. I’m not a happy Britchy! Winter is upon us and it’s time to start planning my hibernation. I do not willingly leave warmth and anyone talking about the traumatic horrors of snow and ice can Get Stuffed! … Continue reading The ‘S’ Word And The Telly
I was re-reading Anne of Green Gables earlier and had to smile at her "White Way Of Delight" description of blossom trees lining a road as they drove along in a pony and trap. I spent a few happy minutes thinking how nice to describe places like that. Then I went out to the kitchen … Continue reading Thinkery I have Thunkeried
Monday was spent in the ER. A bit of a saga but I came home with a headache after the flight from Ireland on Tuesday last week. The first couple of days I was calling it Over Tiredness and Jet Lag. There’s no one who can make an excuse not to see a doctor better … Continue reading My Week So Far..
Sometimes I amaze even myself. Jobs I thought were commonplace are obviously rocket science and I never knew.. For example. The toilet roll needed changing. Someone got a new roll out of the cupboard and left it on the windowsill beside the toilet roll holder but didn't take the old empty roll off the spindle. … Continue reading My Super Hero Resume
I’ve realized a lot of things on this trip to see my Dad, not all of them great! He’s turned into a Mister Magoo with Tourette’s while driving for instance. How I’m still alive, well - I just don’t know! I now know this: I remember more prayers than I ever thought I knew They … Continue reading Driving With My Dad
This poetry malarkey is too much! Jeez. My brain hurts! I blame cake because I made a couple of dozen cupcakes today. I’m feeling a bit sick now because I’ve eaten four. My son Fartichoke exclaimed ‘Mum that’s your THIRD!’ I was very indignant I can tell you and righteously corrected him ‘It’s my second. … Continue reading A Pirate Life For Me..
My much loved fellow blogger, Kristian found a challenge on a blog I haven’t come across before but will have to start following I think! Esther of Esther Newton Blog set a challenge to write a poem about food. Yes you read that right. A Poem. Me. The girl who’s idea of a classy sonnet … Continue reading A Poem By The Stroppy Git Who Hates Poetry
I’m not much of a sports person. Not unless you count competitive pranking anyway. There is a plethora of good reasons for this. Darts got me in vehicular hot water. Tennis caused an Omen like effect on a greenhouse and even the genteel art of Bowls was dealt a death knell when it crossed paths … Continue reading Pot The Red And Screw Back…
Make no mistake, these are NOT a few of my favorite things. This is that time of year when I just cannot overestimate the gullibility of people. Seriously. Don’t get me wrong, I love pumpkin spice - as in a mix of ginger, nutmeg and cinnamon (i leave out allspice and cloves because my pie, … Continue reading Autumn, Dark Nights and Pumpkin Spice..
I think I’d be good at Advertising, I really do. For instance: Pizza is not a health food. It’s a heart attack on a plate really with carbs and cholesterol etc. However if I describe it as a rustic base of ancient grains, enrobed with a blend of sun ripened tomatoes and artisanal cheese it … Continue reading Thunk Thoughts And Things I’ve Learned This Week
I saw a tweet today that proved libraries are cool! It was too good not to share so enjoy! Go visit your local library today! #notjustfornerds
Game On was Created by A Guy Called Bloke and K9 Doodlepip! This twice weekly game will be 21 questions or in truth 16 flexi questions, because there will be five permanent that must stay in place at all time. Apart from those 5 permanent questions, should you choose to reblog, then you can change … Continue reading Game On – Laughter!!
I am loving being in Georgia!!* Some of the stuff people say is downright hilarious. Princess PITA and I were just in Target and there were two women in there. I was listening them seriously bitching out another woman and saying ‘Bless her heart’ as if to negate the shade throwing that followed. Apparently she … Continue reading Eavesdropping in Georgia..
Two years ago I was going to visit my son in North Carolina and he asked me to get him a jar of pickled sausages. Yes you read that right - PICKLED SAUSAGES. Have you ever heard anything so disgusting? Apart from my nemesis, Cottage Cheese of course!! So I went along to Byrne Dairy … Continue reading Malodorous Mishaps!
I was watching TV last night and got bored so I was flicking through for something to watch. I’ve FINALLY watched every episode of NCIS and Criminal Minds so I was at a bit of a loss. I came across a movie, The Spiderwick Chronicles. I’d taken the kids to see this at the Cinema … Continue reading How To Kill A Goblin Or Piss Off Your Ex
A good Christian would forgive you - A good Texan would just shoot you but me, I’m going to make you wish you’d never been born Going to the loo is euphemistically called ‘spending a penny’ Spend a penny my arse!! It was 20 cents the last time I was in Galway! - The inflation … Continue reading Tuesday Thoughts
I don’t know if you’ve seen it but The Bloggy Bloke From Blighty has teamed up with the The Scintillating Stalwart Scrivener Kristian to produce what amounts to a marathon online worldwide game of Cluedo!! I made a silly comment on his post with my guess at the whodunnit (he said I was wrong, fat … Continue reading The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button Mushroom.
I may need an alibi. Fartichoke texted me and told me he saw a trailer for a film with me in it. I was thinking "The Devils Double" He was thinking "The Smurfs" Guess which one of us is going blue??? I haven’t been to the cinema in AGES. I really want to go and … Continue reading When The Scariest Part Of A Movie Is The Audience..
Me: "You spell light, ‘L-I-G-F-T’ don't you?" ‘im indoors: You idiot, there's no f in light!!! Me: I know, I've just had to wee in the dark. I am not appreciated *sigh* It seems my methods of car theft prevention are under appreciated around these parts too. I’m not exactly an Amazon. I’m 5’1” without … Continue reading Anti Theft Shenanigans And Weeing In The Dark..
Many years ago my parents had a country hotel. We had several animals ranging from miniature Shetland’s and Falabella’s through to a retired cart horse. We had two dogs, a three legged cat, peacocks, rare breed ducks, geese, chickens - I called them Mexican racing chickens because those little buggers never laid a single egg! … Continue reading The Emu and The MOAB (Mother Of All Britchy’s!)
Quelle surprise!! Il pleut 💦💧⛈💧💦 Le foook. ..It’s probably a judgment on me so anyone in upstate NY getting saturated today - mea culpa. Yes I’ve been a bad Britchy. After my latest prank I’m also an itchy Britchy and I feel very crawly with good reason! Read on.. Firstly I’m going to pretend I … Continue reading The Bathroom Bandit Strikes Again – ‘im Indoors Has Nothing To Go On.
After Ratface Wrinkle- Winkle and I separated I quite enjoyed having a free babysitter! It was nice to get the occasional night off! He wasn’t very good about having them so I made the most of when he did. On this one particular occasion I was looking forward to a nice long bath without interruptions. … Continue reading Ratface, Ozzy And The TomTom – Or Where To Go And How To Get There.
Who remembers way back in the olden days - those prehistoric times when we had dial up modems - 28.8 was scorchingly fast. Windows 95 was the hot ticket, Netscape and ICQ - It was the Bronze Age Of Internet-ery and no one wanted to admit to being online as the internet was only for … Continue reading Fisher Price and Mattel – or How I Learned The Importance Of Phrasing In Google Searches..
Was inglourious basterds meant to be spelled so badly or did they just do it because they knew it would piss me off? I’ve never watched it because the bloody spelling annoys me so much! If God didn't think humility was important, SHE would have put the prostate somewhere else. If ever I wanted a … Continue reading Things I Think Of Instead Of Doing Something More Productive
I was watching MIB - mostly because it was in and I couldn’t be stars to channel surf and it got to that line about ‘The best of the best of the best SIR!’ I have to admit, I had a little smirk because I do actually know an anal retentive hun just like that … Continue reading The Worst Of The Worst Of The Worst… SIR!!
Inspiration can strike at the strangest times really. Great Ideas can come to you when you least expect it and I’ve learned opportunity seldom knocks twice. Let no shenanigans go to waste are words to live by. Ratface Wrinkle-Winkle was a man of few talents but prodigious regularity. Rainman was an amateur compared to old … Continue reading In The Still Of The Night… The Coincidence Of Night, Fright and Shite Rhyming!
We’re going on a trip in the way back machine today! Fasten your seatbelts and refrain from smoking whilst we prepare for Blast Off.. Sit back comfortably but don’t go to sleep because, well, things can happen in dreams and real life simultaneously. You didn’t know that? Get yourself some caffeine and I’ll explain. Farquhar … Continue reading The Ex Files Or How To REALLY Live Your Dreams..
Titselina Bumsqueak and I were chatting about ex's and how we both have ex’s called Dave. At some point in life, every single one of us knows a Dave who is a complete knobsock. We dated them, we worked with them - our lives have been blighted by a plague of Dave’s, in fact it’s … Continue reading The Theory of Men or Don’t go there!
You know the saying ‘The Devil makes work for idle hands’? Hold that thought. It’s the best alibi I’ve got. Weekday mornings when my kids were little were chaotic. I was still in England with my ex so I had two school kids, a baby, me, two kittens trying to climb up my legs and … Continue reading The Pros And Cons Of Laser Hair Removal – Or Feline Groovy..
‘im indoors had been having a bit of a grumble lately because of the heat. He doesn’t mind the heat so much as the humidity. We had a whacking great downpour this afternoon. I’d gone to Wegmans to buy stuff to make a baked cheesecake and as I was leaving it was absolutely leathering it … Continue reading Mad Dogs And (Formerly) English Women Go Out In The Midday Sun..
I took one of my Amish friends shopping on Friday.. her and her five kids under the age of seven - to Walmart and Aldi.. Yes I need my head tested Yes I deserve a medal!! That's not what this saga is about though, the subject of The Amish is a whole 'nuvver post! When … Continue reading Pie In The Sky… Or The Mysterious Case Of The Hissing Strawberries.
At some point in our lives we’re all going to have one of ‘those’ friends. The ‘keeping up appearances’ type. Shallow as a puddle in the Sahara. The sort for whom image is everything. I don’t know if they are really insecure or totally oblivious but the fact remains, which ever it is they’re BLOODY … Continue reading Her? Oh She’s All Fur Hat and No Knickers… And Marmite.
Our much loved muse, The Okie Dokie Blokie asked a question.. “What’s the dumbest way you’ve been injured?” Poor sod has no idea what he’s let himself in for! I have a plethora of ridiculous pickles to choose from so you decide! You lot get to choose which was my most ridiculous injury (to date!) … Continue reading Your Arm You Broke? A Twat You Are!!
I was down in NC (amongst other places) last week and I stayed with my son Fartichoke and his friends. For some obscure reason his friends love me and all have to visit every time I’m down which led to many sunrise bedtimes.. I’m getting too old for that crap! Fartichoke was telling stories of … Continue reading How I Upset EVERYONE!!
I had a lovely long conversation with Titselina Bumsqueak who reminded me of several ‘Things I Have Done’. Honestly, sometimes it feels like she just doesn’t appreciate the lengths I go to and the depths I plummet for her benefit. I was visiting her and we’d gone into the small seaside town she lives in … Continue reading How To Liven Up Grocery Shopping – Or NOT..
Daisy is in disgrace. At least that’s MY version! In hers she’s a total badass!! We went out for a walk a little while ago, it’s a nice evening, a little chilly for my liking but we walked on the sunny side of the street to try and get the best out of it. This … Continue reading Give a dog a bone..
Kids have such a lovely way of both surprising and shaming us at the same time don’t they?! When mine were little, I was waiting at the school gates, as you do! My 6 year old daughter (at the time) arrived but I still had to wait for my son. At the top of her … Continue reading Kids Say The Darnedest Things!!
I have to be at the Doctor’s for 9:30 and there's a spider in my car. Should I call the police or fire brigade? I know I need EMTs because I just about had heart failure when he swung down in front of my face I'm thinking call a taxi and leave the keys in … Continue reading What a Dilemma!
I was walking Daisy this afternoon and I heard a guy talking on his cell "I'm his first gay bear" Well that caught my attention but the bugger got across the road quicker than me and I didn't hear anymore. I was intrigued. Gay Bear?? I had to go to Aunty Google asap and apparently … Continue reading Of Mice and Men? More like Rats and Rascals!
*Sigh* Being of unsound mind and body I decided to clear out some kitchen cupboards. I found my old two slice black toaster so left it on the counter because I'm going to give it to my son. My black handbag is also in the counter. On my way to get dressed to go shopping … Continue reading Heated Conversation??
So I have this friend who we'll call ‘Mary Hinge’ (cos that's not her name) My girl has a bit of a disability. She's deaf. She must be. She didn't listen to my Anglo Saxon monologue warning and went and got herself married. Sentenced to life by a gold band and a big cake. Now … Continue reading Monkey Business
We've had quite a bit of rain so far today. I just took my little dog Daisy out for her eleven millionth piddle of the day and we met a frog. She was a little intimidated at first but then desperately wanted to play and make friends. Froggy wasn't having any of it though. He … Continue reading Daisy and the Frog Prince
Things were going entirely too well round here. It had been days or at least hours since my last mortification - I should have known it couldn't last!! It was a "lovely" day today. Temps reached the heady heights of 58F (14C) here in the frozen Norf. I almost discarded one of my three pairs … Continue reading Loo, Loo, Skip to the Loo..
I’ve noticed a lot of us are in a bit of a funk at the moment. Frankly, I’m not surprised. Mother Nature is being a bit of a grotbag at the moment and it feels like Spring/Summer will NEVER get here. What we need are some coping therapies. Happy thoughts and moments that will stop … Continue reading Combatting Winter Blues!!
I absolutely love cold sales/scam calls. I can mess with their heads for hours. I thought I must be blacklisted because I haven't had one in ages but there was a computer dialer at the end of the rainbow and last night ended my dry spell. I got a call from someone overseas - you … Continue reading My Career as a Scammer Exterminator
The LoCarb Diet, The Five-Two Diet, (SH)Atkins, Paleo, Dukan.. You know how it is girls, we've all tried all sorts of diets and none of them have made us happy. I decided it’s time to rewrite dieting. Life is meant to be enjoyed not endured so I give you this. The new and improved "I'm … Continue reading Does my Blog look big in this??
A couple of months ago I bought some samosa's in Wegmans that were beyond awful. I posted a huge diatribe on facebook about it and was encouraged to write in and complain. So I did and here is the letter I sent and the reply... Please bear in mind I have a mouth with a death … Continue reading The Wegmans Complaint..
I used to be married to a right charmer.. you all know the sort I'm sure. Too tight to pay for a gym subscription so he used me as a punchbag instead. A real MAN (NOT) Trouble is they're just so good at hiding it at first... Well not only was he a stinking piece … Continue reading Revenge – a dish best eaten cold??
You know how it is when your kids? You think your Parents know everything. They see through every fib you tell, they know every scrap of naughtiness - heck they even know the nine times multiplication table!! The Oracle at Delphi had nothing on Parents and especially not my Dad. He saw through everything. He … Continue reading Tarzan and The Chandelier
I had a problem with money disappearing out of my purse a couple of years ago. Ten bucks here, Twenty there, it was very annoying. Apart from the obvious ‘someone was stealing’ part, I’d go to look for cash and there wouldn’t be any. If anyone had asked for the money I’d have given it … Continue reading To Catch a Rat..
I thought of so many titles for this post. ‘Riding in Buggies with Bonnets’ was a favorite but I went with the above because it really is a synopsis of this tale! A lot of people don’t realize that NY has a very large Amish community. They’re all over the state, from the Hudson Valley … Continue reading Up Thy Butterchurn! – Or When Pennsylvania Dutch Met a Touch of the Gaelic
Well - mostly behaving beautifully. That counts. It’s been a very sedate April Fools Day in the oul Britchy Homestead. Someone - ‘im indoors - has been on edge ALL day waiting for a prank. I think my ducksay prank yesterday was ill-timed because it reminded him that April Fools was upon us! So just … Continue reading Behaving beautifully on April Fools Day
After reading this, I know that from now on if you hear a train has been delayed, you'll be wondering what the rotten swines of crew did! Farquhar Bastardcelot was a train driver. He used to drive trains through the Channel Tunnel. He was a total brown nose and he found out that his supervisor … Continue reading The train on platform 9 has been delayed..
I have been really good for the last few days. I haven’t scared the mailman, or pissed off next doors dog, or thrown gas-ex or condoms or any other “how did that get there?” items in anyone’s shopping cart... I haven't even slung my phone across the room when it kept misspelling what I was … Continue reading Easter Ducking About..
So far since living in the US I haven’t had any truck with the Joeys*. Maybe it’s because we lived in the middle of a largely Amish community when I first moved here. There’s no explanation why we’re escaping their visits now though, unless either my reputation proceeds me or they aren’t as tenuous here … Continue reading Miss Manners (UN)Guide to Answering the Door
It was November of 2012 which you may remember, was a Presidential Election year here in the US. I hadn’t even had my green card for a year at this point but I still wanted to be a part of the Electoral Process so, I was planning to go with my husband when he went … Continue reading How Obama Broke My Bones
Yes you guessed it. Another story from Ireland - because frankly, where else could this stuff go down? So it was a Saturday night and we were off to Ballygobackwards to see a really great local band. There was me, Titselina Bumsqueak and my cousin, Saoirse* O’Milk all glammed, glittered and nearly scuttered with the … Continue reading The Gig, the Jig and Stealing a Hearse
When Fartichoke was a little lad we’d go to visit his dads mum. She was one of those that liked blue toilet water. Yeah. THEM! She’d have those plastic thingies that hang over rims of toilets under the seat and turn the water blue when you flush. Personally, I thought the lads aiming at them … Continue reading Fartichoke, The Thunder Box and The Aliens From Uranus.
Titselina Bumsqueak, Fat Sharon and I used to haunt The Empire in Leicester Square on Friday nights. It was a sacred tradition, a no boyfriends invited, girls night out. It was the 80’s, Pina Coladas, enough make up to paint a bridge, shoulder pads and heels so high you needed oxygen to walk in them! … Continue reading Chips, Coppers and High Heeled Croppers
It never fails to amaze me that anyone will ask me for relationship advice. Then again, with the amount of weirdos I’ve attracted over the years I should be expert at spotting them. My wanker magnet is second to none it seems! I’ve decided to make a series of posts on relationships to serve as … Continue reading Britchy Advice on Dating and Marriage.
My youngest son, Thmellyarthe, was a very precocious reader. He was able to read first reading books at the age of three. I used to play with him as we’d be walking around the supermarket asking him to tell me when we were in aisle three,count tins of beans, find me the orange packet of … Continue reading The Coffee Table, The Ex and The Voice of Doom
So..... I'd gone on a day trip to France to shop when my kids were really little, Fartichoke was only about six weeks old so Brid was just over a year old. Yes, there isn't a year between them. It explains a lot about my sanity doesn't it?! Anyway it was the end of the … Continue reading Entente UN Cordiale…
I saw an ex coworker yesterday who I haven't seen since before Christmas. He was a little upset with me. Before Christmas he was complaining about his wife. He was saying she was always bitching at him and she seemed to have PMS 24/7. (Married to him, I’m not surprised..) Naturally my sympathies were with … Continue reading You Just Can’t Help Some People!!
Tonight I asked ‘im indoors what he wanted to take to work for his lunch tomorrow. “Oh ....anything” he said offhandedly. I was quite peeved by this but - I had a golden moment. One of those moments where instead of going ballistic faster than the speed of light I actually stopped myself - and … Continue reading Sandwiches, Shoe Polish and Schaden Freude
I would like to announce I have been good all day and haven't done or thought any bad things. I would like to announce I didn’t put a sticker on the back of ‘im indoors car saying “Passion Wagon. Don’t laugh, your daughter might be in the back” I would like to announce I haven't … Continue reading On behaving beautifully
The recipe says these are "to die for”… Or possibly “of” - the writing's a little unclear….” Death by Fudge1 1/2 cups sugar 5 fl oz evaporated milk 2 tablespoons butter 1/4 teaspoon salt 2 cups miniature marshmallows 1 1/2 cups chocolate chips 1/2 cup chopped almonds 2 teaspoons amaretto or almond extract Cyanide to … Continue reading For that UN-Special Someone
Do you ever have one of those "you couldn't make this shit up" days? I'd parked in a multi-storey car park to “just go to Sprint” and actually managed to leave the mall a mere four hours later after a run on the stock exchange. You know? Where I trade my cash for valuable stock.. … Continue reading On Condoms, Car Parks and Paint Cans..
BLOODY DECORATING! Pinterest, Facebook, Instagram - you all have a lot to answer for! Oh and you all SUCK!! I'm not one of Mother Nature's natural decorators really. My idea of painting would appear to be to get as much on me and my clothes as possible and if there is any left over slap … Continue reading A Remorseful Tale of Repurpose, Repaint, Regret.. and Replace!!
Here’s a little fun game, just for the hell of it!! You don’t have to play along, but I tagged you because I’d like to see your answers! I was tagged by Floating Gold - enjoy, your Royal shiny-ness!! RULES: • Acknowledge the person who nominated you. • Answer the questions. • Nominate other bloggers … Continue reading Let’s play TMI Tag!!
Yes you read that right. You know how sometimes things seem like a good idea but then they’re not? Yeah. Me too! Before we moved to this house, we had a tiny utility room. Because of the stupid way the fuse boards and venting were put in, it was big enough for the washer and … Continue reading Sitting in the Tumble Drier..
By now you’ve probably realised, Names Are Being Changed. I’m not really Britchy - wait, yes I am - but it’s not my actual NAME!! I thought I’d better start a post where the cast was explained so here it is! I’ll add to it as more reprobates appear.. Family ’im indoors - hubby Fartichoke … Continue reading The Cast of Characters
You can always tell a Donegal chap by his parsimonious use of words. No, “you’ve got nice eyes”, “can I buy you a drink” or even that toe-curling old chestnut “do you come here often?”. Oh nooooo. The mating seasons too short for that Miss Manners how’s-yer-father in Donegal. Those young feller-me-lads are straight to … Continue reading In Which The Girls Ventured Forth…
My dad sent me an email a couple of days ago - one of those touchy feeling “forwarded” doo-dad’s that I detest. It was very out of character for him, he normally just forwards jokes!! I actually wondered if someone else was using his computer so I added to it and sent it back. He … Continue reading Advice – Britchy Style!!
Titselina Bumsqueak and I have a long history of laughter - way back to the last century in fact! That’s something I love saying, “last century”! It’s kind of scary when you realize this years HS graduating classes weren’t even born then - but I digress! Last time I visited TB she was still living … Continue reading Dave Douchenugget and the PG Tips.
Although I was born and raised in England, I spent large portions of my life in Ireland. My parents moved there and built a house when they retired so that’s where I go to visit my Dad these days. My Dad has always been somewhat deaf but it’s worsened with age to the point where … Continue reading The Ho-Er at Moher..
Many years ago, when I was still living in England, I worked for Her Majesty’s Prison Service. I was a clerical officer and dealt with a wide range of services from Throughcare, Prisoners wages and Education to my main role which was Discipline. Yes I was a Discipline Administrative Officer in an all male prison! … Continue reading The Lunatics are Taking Over The Asylum..
I got another fun nomination! The Sunshine Blogger Award. Apparently this is given to blogs who are “creative, optimistic and inspiring, while spreading sunshine to the blogging community”. And me. The aspect of these awards I’m most thrilled about is that it gives me the chance to share blogs I’ve grown attached to and even … Continue reading The Sunshine Blogger Award
You’d think I’d be banned from buying pop rocks after the Beirut Buns Incident but no.. So, as you’d expect, I bought more! I couldn’t think what to do with them. It was a little upsetting. No kids at home at the moment, it’s just me and ‘im indoors. And the animals. The two cats. … Continue reading Pop Rocks Part.. Number Two..
You know how it is with serendipity don't you?! Once I filed for divorce, my ex, Farquhar Barstardcelot, morphed into an even more complete bastard. He has this marvelous idea that I should stay home and look after the kids while he did his studly thing fornicating around the web and then we should get … Continue reading The Many Uses of Lipstick – Or The Price of Revenge…
Some of you may have read the Ladeez night story and wondered what happened to Titselina Bumsqueak's ex. We fixed Fat Sharon but what about TB’s ex? Percy Pickle? They say confession is good for the soul - well... I guess it’s time for a spot of spiritual harmony! So where did we leave off? … Continue reading The Pint and The Pickle
As with so many other women in this great world of ours, I'm afflicted with sharing a bathroom with people who have reached end of life "cantputthefuckingseatbackdownitis" This isn't a laughing matter. This condition is seemingly incurable and often results in death. Theirs. Usually caused by a broken neck from being hit repeatedly with aforementioned … Continue reading Nocturnal Swimming Lessons..
I don't know why I keep telling you lot all this stuff. I really don't NEED to make myself look more of an idiot now do I?! Oh well - As mentioned in other posts, the ever delightful Titselina Bumsqueak and I have been friends for over thirty years. All through the ghastly school years, … Continue reading Holy Crepe..
I've just seen a status update from a friend that reminded me of some of the shit Titselina Bumsqueak and I got up to in our younger days.. umm that would be "Clarissa Pumpernickel" and "Penelope Farquar" ACTUALLY because TB and I were little angels of course *dodges thunderbolt* (and yes - we really DID give those … Continue reading Oh Yes, it’s LADEEEZ Night..
No not me... Pfft! Don't you know yet what a evil, wicked mean and nasty person I am?! My best friend and her boyfriend both work in a casino and as such, work a lot of nights. Her boyfriend was working last night but she wasn't so they were texting each other with saucy messages. … Continue reading The Joy of Sexting
I can't count how many times that's been yelled at me. I am a teeny tiny bit of a practical joker. Hard to believe I know but there it is. I think the first time I remember pranking someone was when I was 14 and it was my mum. We had a townhouse in London, … Continue reading “You’re not funny!!!!”
Agatha Christie had all the best titles, I really was addicted to them growing up (explains a lot...) I still am to be honest! For various reasons I've spent today mentally planning my ex's funeral. He's not dead and to the best of my knowledge (sadly) he's not going to shuffle off this mortal coil … Continue reading A Murder is Announced
Growing up under the NHS in London was great. Until it wasn’t. Raging Despots of Doctors receptionists. Doctors with God complex’s. Nurses who idolised the piggin’ idiots and made them even more delusional if possible! Oh and let’s not forget the ever present cup of tea. I’m quite sure they even stopped operations for surgeons … Continue reading The Out Patient Appointment..
*Sigh* Welcome to the latest round of The Bitchy One's "You-Couldn't-Make-This-Shit-Up.." I was back in England visiting my best friend and I’d gone shopping. While I was walking around in town I went into a sweet shop (candy store) to buy a curly wurly. I decided I could indulge myself! They had all kinds of … Continue reading Axis of Evil Cupcakes.
China in your hand by T’Pau and So Amazing by Luther Vandross Two songs that I’ll never forget as they caused my dad to cut the plug off my record player! My best friend and I had been on one of our weekly nights out. By that I mean it was a weeknight because we … Continue reading If Music be the Food of Love?
I was in Wegmans today (not the one in Canandaigua, I’m being “discreet”) to get a few things and I wandered past the cooking oils. I’d been having a little chat with my best fiend, The Man In Black a couple of weeks back about the price of Duck Fat (no do NOT reverse the … Continue reading Further Adventures in Wegmans.. was
Today Karma was my bestie. Nothing beats being a messenger of vengeance. I don’t even think I could have had as much fun with my holy rolling pin of retribution - although maybe I should just see... hmmm... My daughters ex beat her up badly, he broke her knee and fractured her neck and left … Continue reading Wanker nil – Karma 8 million
Bitchin’ in the Kitchen 