The Many Uses of Lipstick

You know how it is with serendipity don’t you?!

Once I filed for divorce my ex, Farquhar Barstardcelot, morphed into a complete bastard. He has this marvelous idea that I should stay home and look after the kids while he did his study thing and then we should get back together in 10-15 years – once the kids have left home.

Can anyone say go forth and multiply?!

Honestly, if I’d known he could be that funny before I filed.. yeah NO!

Farquhar had pulled stunts that are beyond audacious but – every dog has it’s day!

Well – A day came when the kids had a play date and I could go shopping! On my own!!

For the first time in years I bought a proper lipstick, have just been wearing lip gloss for months. A proper old fashioned waxy type lipstick.. Ester Lauder no less so mega bucks! Thrilled with my various purchases I decided it was time to get my happy azz home and start domestic goddessing before the family arrived home.

Well as luck would have it, I pressed the wrong floor button in the multi level car park and got off early. I didn’t realise my mistake until I’d walked halfway down the car park so I started trudging back grumpily to the lifts.

I wasn’t a Blissful Britchy and given the fact it was Sunday I DIDN’T swear but I did use a lot of words that sounded like Ancient Babylonian.. but I digress.

You know the Wordsworth poem? “I wandered lonely as a cloud – blah blah blah when all at once I saw an X”?

Welll… I had one of those moments.

There I was.

Despondent. Cold. Grumpy,

Practicing my conversational skills in Ancient Babylonian (which had by this time progressed to Swahili) when all at once I SWEAR I heard a host of angels singing and saw.. a mirage.

A vision of loveliness.

An opportunity for REVENGE!!!!

Yes – it was Farquhar’s Mitsubishi truck which he loved more than life itself..

As usual, he’d parked across TWO spaces like a complete KNOB so that no one else could – perish the thought – get near his pride and joy *snort*

Divine Inspiration struck and I know God isn’t keeping score on this one.

I made ALMOST the ultimate sacrifice. (It wasn’t cake)

I got the lipstick and removed the packaging. Reverently I hasten to add. This was a sacred, spiritual and reverent moment.

I wound it out a little and started to write on the drivers window (and a bit of the windscreen) “The way you’ve pulled in here makes me wish your father had pulled out”

ALL the lipstick. Every bit. Gone.

I can tell you after having “arty” kids that waxy, creamy lippy was going to be a bitch to clean off too!

12 thoughts on “The Many Uses of Lipstick

  1. Oh, he seems SUPER funny, indeed.
    The power of suggestion… I read the title “many” and somehow saw “seven”, so was disappointed to see just one, but I digress.
    You know so many ancient languages, that’s fascinating.
    I’m super proud of you for doing what you did. You were at the right place at the right time. And what a clever remark you left.

    Liked by 1 person

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