The Many Uses of Lipstick – Or The Price of Revenge…

You know how it is with serendipity don’t you?!

Once I filed for divorce, my ex, Farquhar Barstardcelot, morphed into an even more complete bastard. He has this marvelous idea that I should stay home and look after the kids while he did his studly thing fornicating around the web and then we should get back together in 10-15 years – once the kids have left home.

Can anyone say go forth and multiply?!

Honestly, if I’d known he could be that funny before I filed.. yeah NO!

Farquhar had pulled stunts that are beyond audacious but – every dog has it’s day and it was mine.

The kids had a play date AT SOMEONE ELSES HOUSE! Not mine for once and holy debit cards – I could go shopping! On my own!! No flippin’ ankle-snappers!

I had a lovely time, no whining, no tale-telling.. no losing kids and for the first time in years I bought a proper lipstick! I’d just been wearing chap stick or, at most, lip gloss for months. It was proper old fashioned waxy type lipstick.. Ester Lauder no less so mega bucks! Thrilled with my various purchases I decided it was time to get my happy azz home and start domestic goddessing before the family arrived home.

Well as luck would have it, I pressed the wrong floor button in the multi level car park and got off early. I didn’t realise my mistake until I’d walked halfway down the car park so I started trudging back grumpily to the lifts.

I wasn’t a Blissful Britchy and given the fact it was Sunday I DIDN’T swear but I did use a lot of words that sounded like Ancient Babylonian.. but I digress.

You know the Wordsworth poem? “I wandered lonely as a cloud – blah blah blah when all at once I saw an X”?

Welll… I had one of those moments.

There I was.

Despondent. Cold. Grumpy,

Practicing my conversational skills in Ancient Babylonian (which had by this time progressed to Swahili) when all at once I SWEAR I heard a host of angels singing and saw.. a mirage.

A vision of loveliness.

An opportunity for REVENGE!!!!

Yes – it was Farquhar’s Mitsubishi* truck which he loved more than life itself..

As usual, he’d parked across TWO spaces like a complete KNOB so that no one else could – perish the thought – get near his pride and joy *snort*

Divine Inspiration struck and I know God isn’t keeping score on this one.

I made ALMOST the ultimate sacrifice. (It wasn’t cake)

I got the lipstick and removed the packaging. Reverently I hasten to add. This was a sacred, spiritual and reverent moment.

I wound it out a little and started to write on the drivers window (and a bit of the windscreen) “The way you’ve pulled in here makes me wish your father had pulled out”

ALL the lipstick. Every bit. Gone.

I can tell you after having “arty” kids that waxy, creamy lippy was going to be a bitch to clean off too!

* Giving proper deference to his “Chick Magnet” Chariot I always referred to it, not as a Mitsubishi but rather, as an ItchiPussi.

Apparently I’m not as funny as I think I am but I’m DEFINITELY a Britch!

25 thoughts on “The Many Uses of Lipstick – Or The Price of Revenge…

  1. Oh, he seems SUPER funny, indeed.
    The power of suggestion… I read the title “many” and somehow saw “seven”, so was disappointed to see just one, but I digress.
    You know so many ancient languages, that’s fascinating.
    I’m super proud of you for doing what you did. You were at the right place at the right time. And what a clever remark you left.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I got lost in a parking garage once in college and was so hungry I started eating tiny slivers of paper from my notebook while sobbing. The paper doesn’t dissolve well. Surprisingly sturdy. I still shudder to think…

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s