Domestic Abuse

Sometimes people can’t grasp the concept of why we stayed with toxic people.

I say “WE” because I was a battered spouse. I had so many bones broken that I stopped counting – yet I didn’t leave..

When you’re in the middle of a war zone all you can think about is a safe place to put your foot next. Nothing else exist’s. You’re just surviving, one precarious footstep at a time.

You don’t have time to look up and see how far to the edge of the field or how pretty it is outside the minefield. You’re blinkered. All you can see is surviving that next step.

There weren’t any signs on the road to the wee wedding chapel saying “Minefield Ahead”

It looked lovely, idyllic even. Here was Happy Ever After. Population:2.

It took walking a while and a few little mini rockets, a couple of mortars, some unfriendly fire and a couple of blasts from a machine gun before you found the first real landmine ….and by that time, you were in too far. You just kept going, hoping it would get better. You wanted to believe the fake news, that it wasn’t that bad and you really thought it was all your own fault. Everyone else was around was walking minefield free. It MUST be you.

Eventually many broken dreams, broken promises and broken bones later, you realise that you CAN get out of the minefield. You NEED to get out of the minefield. You just have to believe in yourself and find reserves of courage that are unimaginable to most.

Not everyone reaches that point at the same place on the journey. Some stop at more stations. Some ride the Express. Some never make it at all.

I will never judge anyone who gets out of a bad situation no matter how long it takes them or how many attempts – I know WHAT it takes them.

I won’t judge anyone for staying either. Its a hard journey to start. It’s not my journey and I’m not paying mileage. Everyone has to pick their own route. All I can do is help with directions if asked and wave – so they know I’m there if they travel past looking lost.

I shall celebrate all those who find their way out of the minefield because, sadly, many don’t.

Some end up in a morgue with a tag on their toe.

48 thoughts on “Domestic Abuse

  1. Yes! Yes! Yes! Thank you. This is the best way I’ve heard domestic violence described yet. I don’t judge either. I found my time to leave the battlefield but some never are ready. No judgement here either. Sometimes it’s all you can do to survive the next round of fire.

    Liked by 4 people

  2. You could not have been more articulate and visual in describing the cycle of violence; being in the “battlefield”; the wanting to leave. Yet, there are so many psychological/financial/emotional/physical layers that prevent those that are victims of DV from “just leaving”. My children and I are survivors of domestic violence and one day I will write about that…but for now, it took me 20 years to figure it all out….I too have no judgment. Thank you for sharing a difficult topic that needs more conversations.

    Liked by 5 people

  3. I really do not know yet what exactly is the situation with me. It’s always blames, disloyalty, verbal abuse sometimes physical abuse and then he keeps saying he loves me, cries when I say I want to leave and tells me he would never let me go. The main issue is constant disloyalty. I do not know what to do as I have no place to go. Sometimes it’s really difficult to figure out situations and face them..

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  4. Yes it is difficult but please no matter what else, know this is HIS deficiency not yours. It’s not easy to deal with or even think about which I understand completely. I don’t know where you are or if there are any support services near you but if you ever want to talk about this or anything else! I’m right here.

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  5. I appreciate your honest. I cannot imagine how difficult and complex your situation must have been. You make me proud to be a woman. I admire your strength and courage. Thank you for writing this. With love, Kay x

    Liked by 1 person

  6. You have written it so well, perfectly comparing with a war field.. you are a very strong woman.. these situations get tricky where staying in difficult and leaving is difficult. We have to find our way and be strong about it.. Glad you made it out.. more power to yoy

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Aw, this was a very nice post. In concept I wish to put in writing like this moreover ?taking time and precise effort to make an excellent article?however what can I say?I procrastinate alot and on no account seem to get one thing done.

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  8. Hi! This post couldn’t be written any better! Reading this post reminds me of my previous room mate! He always kept talking about this. I will forward this page to him. Fairly certain he will have a good read. Thank you for sharing!

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  10. Thanks for any other great article. The place else could anyone get that kind of information in such an ideal way of writing? I have a presentation next week, and I am on the look for such information.

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  11. Thank you for writing and reblogging this. I missed it the first time.
    All power to women caught in the sticky web of DV. It comes in many forms and is insidious to the point that you often don’t recognise those fine silken threads until you are tightly bound.
    I still struggle with my personal shame of not seeing the emotional, psychological and spiritual abuse for 22 years. He was a very clever man, especially with his quiet, private words and ability to control me. There was never a hand raised against me, but the internal injuries were significant. 10 years later and my self-esteem is still coloured by his indoctrination.
    Reading that back it sounds like I was caught up in a cult; I guess it was somehow. I’m just glad I found a way out, but it was tough going due to no physical evidence to support my claims and absolutely everyone I knew believing his tears and stories as to why I left.

    Liked by 2 people

  12. What a great re-post. Everything Rakauwrittenramblings said! I used to wonder if physical abuse, instead of narcistic behavior, compulsive lying, manipulation and neglect would have been easier to steer out of, but it really wasn’t. Love and the hope for change is just as crippling. Even after the divorce that I initiated, I questioned myself for staying with such a person for so long.

    You’re amazing. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

      1. Yes, because his behaviour was not openly obvious, its effects are more devastating. My now adult kids, who I thought I’d raised to be confident, strong people have really messed up heads because of him (they stayed/went back to him – who was determined to use the teenagers to woo me back). Neither have been in a romantic relationship and I think are deliberately avoiding them, out of fear.

        Liked by 1 person

  13. Wow. I left one ‘war’ to step right into another. Some of us just pick bad men I guess. The first was physically and psychologically abusive.. the physical stopped after I fought back and injured him bad enough that he took seriously my threat that “I’d kill him the next time he laid a finger on me.” But the psychological and emotional abuse? Went on for many years. I married the second one, who I was positive wasn’t abusive. He wasn’t — until we got married. Then the smart remarks, digs and barbs began, which eventually became harsh silences, judgement and walking on eggshells (or trying to avoid the land mines). I was contemplating divorce when he died.

    And I take my own fair share of the blame for the second mess. I grew up in a household where that rare thing .. male domestic violence was the norm….my mother abused my father for years…verbally and psychologically and emotionally. Pops only ever lost his temper and struck her twice that I know of. I learned to think of men as weak creatures, worthy only of contempt and disgust and eventually that’s how I treated my husband. As mentioned, he gave back as good as he got though.

    This is the reason that since hubby died, I’ve refused to contemplate further relationships. Certainly I’ll never marry again. Sometimes the wounds heal, but the scars remain with one for life.

    Liked by 2 people

  14. Domestic abuse is so misunderstood and it’s easy to judge, especially when you haven’t experienced it. You have put it so well and the last line really struck a chord with me. I’m glad you found a way out of it.

    Liked by 1 person

  15. My Mum, has now been divorced from my Father for thirty years, that period is the exact same time they were together as a couple. The violence started for her the second year in, she stayed for us, the kids, despite many times when l very early teens to just leave the bastard as he cared not for anyone except himself. She stayed the course, too long l thought, having experienced his violence myself, but she stayed for my Sister and then got out. Then she found the best lawyer possible and kicked his ass where it really hurt him.

    Topic Well handled Britch 🙂

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  16. Ironically, that is a soon to be Dear Blog entry – we live in a strange, strange world Britchy. If l had a dollar for every time l asked myself the questions of what gives with my parents l would indeed be a rich person 🙂

    This man beat her to kingdom come, she had six miscarriages because of his violence before she had me. She cannot stand him, but as you will have seen me write before, she is a tiny bit of the hypochondriac side of life – and because attention is now on his side, l have found myself astonished at her wanting to become involved in him again???

    When l asked of her why? She answered with, ‘yes well l was married to him for thirty years you know?’ “Yes but equally Mum, you have now been divorced from him for the same duration, so why would you want to see the man who nearly killed you countless times?” her answer was priceless …

    “You wouldn’;t understand Rory!”

    The sadder fact is l actually think l do, l think she wants to see him as ill as he is, in some kind of crude spite. He doesn’t wish to see her, and yet she is fighting to see him. Mum is like my Father a very bitter person…. if l had a dollar for every time …

    Liked by 1 person

  17. I am so sorry you experienced that. My daughter was in an abusive relationship and “couldn’t imagine life without him.” Fortunately she finally realized that love generally didn’t involve bruises and death threats, and was able to get away. I am eternally grateful that it ended.

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  18. I’m so glad you were able to gather the strength to leave. I’ve had close friends deal with abuse and everyone’s situation is different so you definitely can’t judge. Just being supportive and willing to assist them in anyway possible is how I hope I’m able to help them get out one day. Psalms 37:9-11 offers me hope that one day God will rid this world of wicked men and victims of this abuse will finally gain peace. Thank you for sharing your story.

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