The LoCarb Diet, The Five-Two Diet, (SH)Atkins, Paleo, Dukan.. You know how it is girls, we’ve all tried all sorts of diets and none of them have made us happy.
I decided it’s time to rewrite dieting. Life is meant to be enjoyed not endured so I give you this. The new and improved “I’m happy and I don’t give a damn” Eff Plan/South Britch Diet… ENJOY!!!
Rules For This Diet
If you eat something, and no one else sees you eat it, it has no calories.
When drinking a diet soda while eating a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled by the diet soda.
When you eat with someone else, calories don’t count as long as you don’t eat more than they do.
Foods used for medicinal purposes never count. Example: hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee cheesecake.
If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
Movie-related foods do not have calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one’s personal fuel.
Example: Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints and Tootsie Rolls.
Cookie pieces contain no calories, because of the process of breaking the cookie causes calorie leakage.
If you are in the process of preparing something, foods licked off knives and spoons have no calories.
Foods of the same color have the same number of calories. Examples: green salad and Key Lime pie, mushrooms and white chocolate.
If you eat the food off someone else’s plate, it doesn’t count.
If you eat standing up the calories all go to your feet and get walked off.
Food eaten at Christmas parties has no calories, courtesy of Santa.
If you eat in the dark, the calories can’t find you. This is also a good reason to take the lightbulb out of the fridge.
If you are using a digital scales please do so correctly and only weigh digits. Fingers OR toes are acceptable.
Make sure you hide all fattening goodies from the rest of the family. This counts as participating in the hunter/gatherer diet as you sneak around reclaiming your stash. Hunting and Gathering also counts as a workout so you can enjoy your rewards in the knowledge you’ve earned them.