I don’t know if you’ve seen it but The Bloggy Bloke From Blighty has teamed up with the The Scintillating Stalwart Scrivener Kristian to produce what amounts to a marathon online worldwide game of Cluedo!!
I made a silly comment on his post with my guess at the whodunnit (he said I was wrong, fat lot he knows!!)
Anyway, notwithstanding his Egregious Ineptitude at OBVIOUSLY getting the story wrong, it obviously fired long forgotten synapses …and I thought of this crap while lurking in the fridge deciding what not to cook for dinner!
With apologies to my friends the mushrooms for comparing them to Brad Pitt – I present to you, a story in three courses in which our murderer gets his just desserts.
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button Mushroom – Love in a Cold Climate ???
“Everyone – BATTLE STATIONS!” The residents of the fridge stopped in their tracks as the door slowly opened.
Queen Britchy of KitchenAid surveyed her loyal subjects and decided a State Banquet at the Chinese (Buffet) Embassy was in order. It was too hot too cook and the Royal Marigolds* were dangling listlessly next to the Chalice of Dawn* at the side of the Dirty Dish Lagoon*.
The Queen closed the borders to the Empire and buggered off to tell her Consort it was time for the Moths to fly out of the Kingdoms coffers, the stingy old fart could take her out to dinner.
Meanwhile back at the Ranch dressing, dastardly deeds were afoot. The Citizens of Fridge City were going about their daily tasks, deciding their placement for optimum menu selections for their beloved Queen.
Sherry Darling decided she wouldn’t mind getting into hot water with the cute new guy in the salad crisper, Benjamin Button Mushroom.
He was so smooth and clean shaved, she hadn’t had a date since she’d got into a trifle at Christmas and a girl needs to feel loved. A quick fling in the hot tub with a pot of cream and Benjamin and they could make soup love together. She edged forward on the shelf to be closer to her crush when she felt a hefty shove behind her, she turned and saw her assailant and just managed to scream “You!” before falling to her death.
On hearing her scream, the residents of Fridge all gathered to see what had happened.
The Justice of the Peas and Cheese Inspector Will.I.Spam were first on the scene.
“How lucky we are that Hercule Poire is here visiting Miss Malbec. The murderer doesn’t stand a chance with their little grey celerys on the case” Hercule stepped forward with Miss Malbec leaning on his arm
“Oh dear” She said. Hercules surveyed the scene kalefully
“Mais oui mon petit tarte tatin, eez une ‘ow you say eet? C’est un Crimini Passionale.”
Look down by the body mes amies. You see the sticky finger prints? Who I ask would want to kill Miss Sherry over her love of ze mushroom? He was a fungi was he not? The murderer was someone who Miss Sherry could never have loved, the very idea was unimaginable. Look closely mes amies, the fingerprints have a faint scent of citrus. The murderer of Mademoiselle Sherry is none other than OJ Simpson!
There was a great kerfuffle and OJ made a dash for it. He made a televised slow dash around the fridge in a Bronccoli until he gave in to the inevitable and surrendered.
He has Robert Brownie Jr defending him and their trying to strike a tv deal to plead his case on Okra*
Royal Marigolds – rubber gloves
Chalice Of Dawn – dish detergent
Dirty Dish Lagoon – kitchen sink
Okra – Oprah