Dear shop assistants
‘im indoors says I need a %*!#ing warning label. I
think KNOW I’m in disgrace and it’s all your fault.. Y’all ask dumbass questions sometimes!
Do I want my potatoes in a bag?
“Are these white carrots? I can’t find white carrots” (on the scanner jobbywhatsit. They were Parsnips)
“Would you like this (48 roll pack of toilet paper) in a bag?”
Me *dumbfounded*: “Sure!!”
Him: *looks around the checkout* “I’m sorry ma’am I don’t think I have any bags that size”
Me: smiles sweetly and says ‘never mind’ while wondering if he has to be retrained after lunch breaks
But the winner was Karl. I think I broke Karl.
It’s ‘im indoors fault obviously. He decided in spite of spider plaques, rabid bats and the attack of the cat army that yes, he would like to destroy Christmas and have a real tree which would probably cause me to start drinking or divorce him.
Off we went this morning to Look For A Tree. I was NOT a happy ho ho ho but if it keeps him quiet so be it.
Somewhere in the planning we forgot about the keeping ME quiet. He drove past Dunkin’ without stopping.
Dear men. If you are taking your wife somewhere she doesn’t want to go for something she doesn’t want to buy IN THE COLD.. For Fudge Sake Buy the cranky mare a bloody coffee.
No coffee, no play nice. There’s your sign.
We found a tree and he went to search out an elusive assistant while I stood guard on the tree. No sooner was he out of sight than Karl appeared. I said I wanted this tree and he looked at me, mouth agape and said “Are you sure?”
Karl’s a dumbass.
Dear men. If you see a short woman in a red coat with badass resting bitch face and she’s not holding a cup of coffee. GET HER COFFEE BEFORE YOU APPROACH. There’s another sign. How many do you need?!
Anyway, I know he was being ‘shortist’ because the tree was as wide as I’m tall and at least a foot taller than me. I said (shortly) that yes I was sure I wanted this tree – so he asked “Are you going to put it up yourself?” Just as ‘im indoors got back. My reply of “No you Filthy Bugger. I’ll put it up in the living room like everyone else.” echoed around and I don’t know if it was intentional or not but my remark got a very respectful two minutes of silence before I was dragged away by the back of the coat by ‘im indoors.
We are sticking with the artificial tree this year after all.
I shall put it up in the dog house. Apparently that’s where I’m spending Christmas.
If THIS Grandma gets run over by a reindeer, it wasn’t an accident!