(Mis)Adventures In Christmas Tree Shopping

~ the britchy one

Dear shop assistants

‘im indoors says I need a %*!#ing warning label. I think KNOW I’m in disgrace and it’s all your fault.. Y’all ask dumbass questions sometimes!

Do I want my potatoes in a bag?

“Are these white carrots? I can’t find white carrots” (on the scanner jobbywhatsit. They were Parsnips)

“Would you like this (48 roll pack of toilet paper) in a bag?”

Me *dumbfounded*: “Sure!!”

Him: *looks around the checkout* “I’m sorry ma’am I don’t think I have any bags that size”

Me: smiles sweetly and says ‘never mind’ while wondering if he has to be retrained after lunch breaks

But the winner was Karl. I think I broke Karl.

It’s ‘im indoors fault obviously. He decided in spite of spider plaques, rabid bats and the attack of the cat army that yes, he would like to destroy Christmas and have a real tree which would probably cause me to start drinking or divorce him.

Or both.

Off we went this morning to Look For A Tree. I was NOT a happy ho ho ho but if it keeps him quiet so be it.

Somewhere in the planning we forgot about the keeping ME quiet. He drove past Dunkin’ without stopping.

Dear men. If you are taking your wife somewhere she doesn’t want to go for something she doesn’t want to buy IN THE COLD.. For Fudge Sake Buy the cranky mare a bloody coffee.

No coffee, no play nice. There’s your sign.

We found a tree and he went to search out an elusive assistant while I stood guard on the tree. No sooner was he out of sight than Karl appeared. I said I wanted this tree and he looked at me, mouth agape and said “Are you sure?”

Karl’s a dumbass.

Dear men. If you see a short woman in a red coat with badass resting bitch face and she’s not holding a cup of coffee. GET HER COFFEE BEFORE YOU APPROACH. There’s another sign. How many do you need?!

Anyway, I know he was being ‘shortist’ because the tree was as wide as I’m tall and at least a foot taller than me. I said (shortly) that yes I was sure I wanted this tree – so he asked “Are you going to put it up yourself?” Just as ‘im indoors got back. My reply of “No you Filthy Bugger. I’ll put it up in the living room like everyone else.” echoed around and I don’t know if it was intentional or not but my remark got a very respectful two minutes of silence before I was dragged away by the back of the coat by ‘im indoors.

We are sticking with the artificial tree this year after all.

I shall put it up in the dog house. Apparently that’s where I’m spending Christmas.

If THIS Grandma gets run over by a reindeer, it wasn’t an accident!

Published by the britchy one

A PROUD American Citizen who was born and bred in England and now resides in the US. I’m married to an American who really didn’t have a clue what he was letting himself in for - poor sod! I’m a cranky bitch who loves cats and books and hates chocolate, politics and Dave’s. Oh and mosquitos. I hate those blood sucking parasites but since I’ve already mentioned politics I’m repeating myself! I’m a short, skinny redhead, 3 kids, 2 dogs, not enough cats and a mouth with a death wish. Blood group - certifiable.

58 thoughts on “(Mis)Adventures In Christmas Tree Shopping”

  4. Some things, seen, cannot be unseen. Thanks so much for sharing that mostly nekkid santa. Uh. Let “‘im indoors” know about your ‘rules’. He’s obviously forgotten OR wasn’t paying attention…I’d bet 50/50 either way. And to get out of the doghouse and into the festive spirit of things, go buy ‘im a REAL tree. Make Karl or the other dimwits load it in/on your car and make sure it’s secured. Have coffee (with something special in it perhaps… a little Bailey’s never hurt a soul). Pretend to really enjoy f*cking with the tree, because we all know women are the greatest actresses in the world…we fake other things Koff Koff koff — SOME fake other stuff *koff koff* don’t we? I BET you’re elevated back to your pedestal as the “Goddess of good will” in a jiffy! And (I think we had some conversation about this before) the smell of a real live tree is the best gift of all…unless you can’t smell very well (apologies to Batman)..

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  8. People here ask me: “Is plastic alright?” when they bag my groceries.
    I have to admit that before, when I had to pay for every bag, I carried my own most of the time, but now that I don’t have to pay, YES, plastic is alright. I don’t even think they have paper bags. Also, it’s been building up in me, and I want to come up with some kind of luxury reply. Like a golden box, or something.

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  14. LOL! Your flippant remark helped your husband decide in your favour about fake trees. hahahaha!! But, I don’t get the thing at the end about ‘I don’t care what the song says, I don’t smell’. What song?

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    1. You’re not kidding. My best friend could never decide whether she needed a balaclava or a crash helmet when she was shopping with me. Sadly, neither could spare her blushes and she still won’t go back into Morrison’s in Margate.

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  20. I told the people at work about your spiders and bats. The spiders got an “ewww”. The bats response I can’t really describe. But they were all in agreement that you needed to buy a really nice artificial tree.

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  22. Poor Karl. He didn’t have a clue. Britchy doesn’t come with an operation manual. And, ‘im indoors knows better.

    Now, I must find some eye bleach for the fat chippendale in the santa get-up. No tips for you, buddy.

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  24. “short woman in a red coat” reminds me of Constance – a little kid in the Mysterious Benedict Society book series (who was cranky, too).

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