The Advent Calendar Of Naughtiness

Is that a fantastic idea or what?! How it took me this long in life to justify myself I’ll never know but ho ho ho – I’ll just have to make up for lost time!

‘im indoors isn’t a morning person. He’s like the living dead and can barely grunt. He staggers out of bed, into his robe and downstairs on auto pilot to the coffee machine. I have often smirked at the idea of moving the appliances onto different counters just to see if he’d try and put his mug where the kitchen aid bowl should go! If it wasn’t for the fact I have the biggest kitchen aid and can’t move it by myself I totally would do it.

See? I DO understand limits. Take that doubters!

You get the picture. The Neanderthal is strong in him. I could march a brass band through the kitchen and as long as they weren’t between him and the Keurig, he’d put it down to tinnitus if he even noticed.

I wasn’t feeling well last night so I ended up staying on the sofa all night. It wasn’t a ‘sleepy’ night so when I heard him smattering around in the kitchen trying to put a pod in the machine I knew it was game over. Too late to try to sleep now.

I hoiked myself up out of my blanket pit to go to the loo and walked right past him.

My eyes are extremely dry and problematic at the moment and before I put eye drops in I can barely open them. You’ve heard the phrase? ‘Eyes like peeholes in the snow? Yep, that’s me.

So I went into the loo but didn’t turn the light on because of my eyes. I’m sat there, behaving beautifully and minding my own business when I hear the slipper shuffle approaching. He obviously didn’t realise I was in there as no light was showing under the door and Daisy wasn’t outside trying to save me. She won’t actually go in the loo because she’s terrified of Fungle the bogeyman but she sits outside and tries to save me from a distance!

My zombie spouse opened the door and all I could think to do was stretch my arms out to either side like I was playing aeroplanes and shout ‘BA DUM PUSH’

He nearly passed out. His glasses slipped down his nose as he took an involuntary step backwards out of his slipper. His foot landed on the cold floor which made him jump and look around and down while yelling ‘Jesus H Christ. What the hell is wrong with you?’

I’m STILL sat on the loo at this point, laughing my head off maniacally and for once I was in the right place at the right time because, you know, squirrel bladder!

There was quite a bit more ranting and raving and once again, I’m in the dog house but that’s okay because frankly, there’s no place like home. He pointed out I’ve been on a mission to give him a heart attack this month which is what gave me my Advent Calendar idea. I’m late to the party but it’s fun opening a few windows late because you get extra chocolate or in this case fun sin!

Does it count as murder if you prank someone to death?

What would be the murder weapon?

Can a jury convict if they can’t stop laughing?

Should I even be thinking these questions?!

46 thoughts on “The Advent Calendar Of Naughtiness

  1. Some actors, like Will Ferrell or John Candy, have me grinning before they can even open their mouths and actually SAY anything. Your writing does that for me… I am always smiling before I even start one of your posts and laughing like a loon before I can get halfway through. No dry eyes HERE… once again you made me laugh ‘til I cried…

    Liked by 3 people

      1. http://www.thechristhomasfiles.com is a URL that, right now, is free with my WP premium package. As of December 18, WP will no longer offer free domain names. I use it as a redirect to my main page. You & Coffee have domain names that mask the WordPress part of your sites. I didn’t want my whole site to be The Chris Thomas Files. I keep CT material as pages and then blog on the other side.

        Liked by 2 people

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