I’ve just seen a status update from a friend that reminded me of some of the shit Titselina Bumsqueak and I got up to in our younger days.. umm that would be “Clarissa Pumpernickel” and “Penelope Farquar” ACTUALLY because TB and I were little angels of course *dodges thunderbolt* (and yes – we really DID give those as our names!)
Well we two naughtie’s used to have a very active social life.
In fact, I don’t know how we didn’t kill ourselves with sleep deprivation because we were out seven nights a week.
Strangely – there was STILL time between work and getting ready to go out when there was “time to kill” and you know what they say. The devil makes work for Britchy’s hands..err IDLE HANDS!! The devil makes work for IDLE hands!
*Penelope* (TB) used to have a horrible problem with filthy phone calls and that was where the inspiration for prank calling came from. No horrible calls were ever made but a lot of sillyness definitely did ensue!
So one early afternoon the muse struck and after a quick flick through Buzby’s bible (aka the phone book) a call was made to the local Aquarium.
Ring Ring. Ring Ring.
Clarissa: ‘Ello. Is that the fish place?” (Very loud, VERY cockney accent. VERY FAKE!)
Posh lady: Yes this is the Margate Aquarium. How can I help you?
Clarissa: I’d like to order two cod and chips to take away please.
Posh lady: We don’t DO cod and chips.
Clarissa: Bleedin’ ‘eck! Call yoursel’ a fish place ‘n you don’t do cod? Gorrany ‘addock?”
Posh lady: No we don’t have any haddock. We don’t sell ANY fish to eat.
Clarissa: So how can you call yourself a fish place if all y’do is burgers and saveloys? That’s bleedin’ silly that is. Someone oughtta do you for false advertisin’.
At that the phone went dead. They didn’t want to play anymore (bastards!!) but we were giggling anyway – and still are more than twenty years later!!
Then there was the Sunday night when we still lived in London.
Now Sundays weren’t so much fun at all as everything opened later and closed earlier so we had to umm… INTENSIFY having fun! (Yeah – thats it!)
This time it was a call to the Frog and Nightgown – a pub we used to frequent on the Old Kent Road- and crawl out of the toilet window from when we got into too much of a pickle! Actually – that happend in a LOT of places..
FANG hahahahaha! I’ve only just realised that was the initials of the pub! Oh we could have had fun with that if we weren’t banjaxed every time we rolled in there!
FANG: Hello Frog ‘n Nightgown
Clarissa: Hello can you tell me how much a malibu and lemonade is please? (It WAS the 80’s – Malibu was the height of sophistication!!)
FANG: Single or double?
Clarissa: Singles please (Note to the girls: Only drink large ones when someone else is paying)
FANG: £1.50 love
Clarissa: What about a Bacardi and coke?
Clarissa: What about a brandy and babycham? (Hangover hell BTW)
By this point I was desperately trying to think of drinks!!
Clarissa: And how much for a pernod and black?
FANG: £1:30 – excuse me why are you asking all this?
Clarissa: Well we’re trying to make our minds up whether to go there or to the Henry Cooper tonight and frankly, they’re the better option price wise so I’m going to get the girls to go there.
History and I think it better if I lay off the profanity that I would have to use if I were to post the landladies reply..
We about wet ourselves laughing after that but that wasn’t the end of it.
I had an evil plan in mind. Not that there is much new there but anyhow.
See.. We had another friend. I don’t mind naming HER.
Fat Sharon. Dirty old trout who had got off with Lisa’s boyfriend a couple of weeks before. By now he was her ex but he wasn’t the problem. SHE was.
First rule of the bad girls club was and is and always will be – you don’t get off with a friends fella. EVER.
Well – she was my next call.
Sickly sweet, I asked her out for a drink that night.
At the Frog and Nightgown.
She panicked a bit when she walked in and saw Lisa sat next to me but she recovered and asked what we were drinking.
Now – her drink was Malibu and lemonade so Lisa and I asked for a bacardi and coke and a brandy and babycham..
Sure enough. The landlady remembered that mix of drinks and gave Sharon one almighty mouthful of abuse before coming out from behind the bar and forcibly throwing her out of the pub, telling her to “Piss off to the Henry Cooper then you snide little cow, YOU’RE BARRED!!!”
Revenge is a dish best DRUNK cold I say *smirk*