I used to be married to a right charmer.. you all know the sort I’m sure.
Too tight to pay for a gym subscription so he used me as a punchbag instead.
A real MAN (NOT)
Trouble is they’re just so good at hiding it at first…
Well not only was he a stinking piece of wife-beating scum but he was an adulterous stinking piece of wife-beating scum.
He had got it into his head that he wanted to live in the US so he started chatting up women online and used to fly to the US to meet these woman about four times a year.
My attitude was that I would never be free of him until he went so I didn’t say anything, it wasn’t worth another punch and anyway.. it meant 2 weeks of peace while he was gone!
One time however, the routine changed, instead of him going to stay with his “penfriend” (He thought I was too stupid to read his emails LOL) his “penfriend” came to stay with us.
Now I had been sleeping on the couch since being pregnant with my youngest so where this other woman was “sleeping” was… ambiguous. I mean, she COULD have been sleeping in the spare room but if she had been I’m sure she would have commented on the spatulas I left in the bed.
Honestly though, I just didn’t care. I knew I wouldn’t get hit while she was there. It was all good.
The girlfriend, because that’s what she was, announced she loved Indian food so nothing would do for the asshole so I was ordered to spend all day cooking an Indian “feast”..
There used to be a serving hatch between the living room and the kitchen in that house. It was quite bizarre but useful for watching the kids while I was cooking.
I was slaving away in the kitchen I just happend to glance through as was my habit when it got quiet!
The two toddlers were lying asleep on the floor in front of Timon and Pumbaa – and the scumbag and his fat lazy trollop of a girlfriend were stood over them, snogging for all they were worth.
Now I was PISSED OFF!!!
It was bad enough taking the mickey out of me in my own house but behaving like that where the kids could have seen was just going too far.
To this day I don’t know where the idea came from.
It’s actually a little bit scary how my mind works sometimes…
I set aside some rice for myself and then calmly took off my knickers – and strained the rice for THEIR dinner through them.
I plated up the rice but left all the other dishes for people to help themselves and called them through to the dining room.
Every time they put a mouthful of food in their mouths I damn near peed myself laughing – which would have been a bit of a problem with no drawers on!! Silly sods thought I had been drinking!
The evening wasn’t quite finished though and the asshole I married, in a final act of insolence, told me they would have their coffee in the living room and I could bring it through.
Being knickerless it didn’t take very long at all to pee in the cafetiere..