Thinking Out Loud On Mother’s Day

Today is Mother’s Day in the US. I’m sat by myself. One kid is in Georgia. One is in North Carolina and one is in bed. ‘im indoors is across state prepping our other house for sale and I’m on the sofa with two fat cats, a farting beagle and a 10lb chupacapra who is hogging the blanket and snoring.

I don’t know how she does it. I swear she’s got hamster DNA. She burrows down next to my bum (pretty risky to be honest, I ate a whole thing of broccoli with hot sauce last night and shi.. stuffs about to get real) She never learns. You can tell she’s my dog!

Anyway furbags aside, I’m on my own. It’s cold and gloomy and the rain is boinging off the roof past the window behind my head. I’m feeling.. sad doesn’t cover it. I’m very tearful, it’s a strange day. I’ve been thinking about my mum more and more lately. We didn’t have the greatest relationship, in fact it was pretty toxic. She didn’t like me, she told me to my face as a child many times that she didn’t love me and never would. She was always disparaging and yet, I tried constantly to please her. I kept her as out of our lives as possible after a remark about how my children should have been cot deaths (I kid you not) and how she wouldn’t cry if they were in an accident.

I wasn’t exposing them to the self doubt and worthlessness I felt. I’ve grown up fine. I don’t have any resentment, just pity for what we both missed out on. I’m envious of others relationships with their mothers and grateful for the relationship I have with my kids. I may not have got everything right – no parent does but I did my best and I’m okay with that.

My mum died in 2016. I was sad at the time and felt a lot of grief at what I missed out on and glossed over a lot of the ugliness. I still do. I don’t need to dwell on stuff I can’t change. I’ve learned that’s a futile waste of time.

I’ve come to realise my mum was a tormented person. She was a Jekyll and Hyde character just like her father before her. He was a bully and she learned to be the same and like him, chose one kid as the victim and favoured the others. It meant her and her brothers were divided just as me and my siblings were. We’ll never be close and honestly, they still see me as “less”. It’s conditioned into them.

My mum lacked the courage to look into herself. I think she had a personality disorder and could probably have been helped but would never admit to any ‘weakness’. She was a strong woman, she was clever and funny and hard working. I think she felt inferior to others so strove to NEVER let anyone see her as such and in the process, never let anyone see the real her.

I think she was afraid I could. She hated being shown any compassion. Something I’ve only just figured out after years of reviewing my memories and her reactions. I think she loved me but didn’t know how to show it and because she couldn’t admit she was wrong – and would NEVER apologise for anything.. I think she suffered. I’m sure she felt guilt, I think that made her react even more badly each time, injuring herself in the process even more than me.

In death I can do what I never could in life. I can forgive and give her the pity she would never accept. I can hurt for the pain she caused herself and I can regret the lost time knowing each other. I can learn and hopefully any of you with a less than stellar relationship with parents or kids can too.

Life and people are never simple. We all make mistakes. We can’t take back pain that we cause but we can try to rebuild. Scars exist but we can fill them with gold. They’re still there. They’re still visible but the chance exists for all of us to make a thing of beauty from that which is broken.

Happy Mothers Day Mummy. I love and miss you.

38 thoughts on “Thinking Out Loud On Mother’s Day

  1. This was definitely a hard read. I can only imagine how hard it was for you to write it.
    You just showcased that we have a choice in becoming who we want to be. We don’t have to be victims of our parents (or society). Well done!
    Also, Happy Mother’s Day, Britchy!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Your words, and that last picture, choked me up. While I’m very sorry your mother wasn’t there for you as she should have been… it speaks volumes to
    your worth as a person that you can recognize her troubles and forgive her.
    💕

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I truly believe she couldn’t help herself. It’s the tragedy of her generation that they didn’t ‘air dirty laundry’
      If you don’t shake the (mental) bugs out, they multiply and the ‘disease’ spreads. I’m sorry her era and the narrow parameters of her time didn’t allow her to be the person she could maybe have been.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m glad you were able to share the painful relationship with your mother and your forgiveness and understanding. I also had a “bad” mother. Abusive, angry, unhappy person, she was. Never really lived her life on her own terms. Now she is living in memory care and seems at peace. I do what I can for her and harbor no ill will. Bless you and have a fine Mother’s Day, Britchy.💕

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You too Eilene! We all have struggles. We’re all haunted by maybes and could-have-beens. Thinking through others actions and causes is healing and helps me not repeat the same mistakes.

      All my mistakes are brand new not ‘gently used’ lol

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Mother’s Day is a hard day for people who don’t have the greatest relationship with their mother’s. Mine is rocky. Not as bad as yours, but still not really good. It’s a conflicting thing because you have those memories of harshness but also she WAS your mother. It’s such a difficult relationship. I hope being able to write that all out was helpful for you. And I’m glad that you were able to come to your own understanding and acceptance of her personality and life, even if it did come after her passing.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Wow Helen, I’m so sorry you had to deal with all of those tough feelings but maybe talking about it helps right? Like you said, you gotta get it out!💜

    Enjoy your peace and quiet while you have it and dear god, move the dog out of the way when the broccoli hits!😂😂💖💜

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I’m definitely feeling something today though I’m not sure I can put a word on it. I haven’t spoken to my mother since 2016 after removing her from my life for the sake of my own mental health. It has proven difficult, especially since my older sister and expressly requested that at no point do I write about my mom so as to avoid drama. I know she still tracks my blog, having been blocked across other social media. I can’t block people on the blog sadly so I just avoid the topic.
    In the end, it has been best for me to avoid her all together. I’ve been called selfish for this but I have no regrets. I’m sure she feels all the same things you’ve described as it seems our mothers are almost one in the same.
    I know that right now, I have made the best choice for me and that’s what matters.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. All you can do is now. Tomorrow is nebulous. Things may change in the future or they may not. My mothers Alzheimer’s meant they didn’t for me and I have regrets that we didn’t make peace and gratitude that I don’t have worse memories.
      Either way there WILL be regrets. We all want to be loved by our mums and when we can’t have that, it’s hard. People say ‘no matter what you’ve always got your mum’ and we can both attest to the opposite! The truth is, you’ve always got yourself and loving ourselves and accepting ourselves is the basis in which all other relationships are built. Above all, to thine own self be true. It’s the best possible foundation for life. Be the person you are happiest bring kiddo. Everything else will follow 😊

      Like

  7. Sending all of my love to you today. I don’t have one of those hallmark relationships with my mom, so this day has odd moments for me. I think you’re incredible, so I’m sending hugs and love!

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Poignant. Thank you for sharing. I grew up without my mother. My father raised me and I found out later in life that she had Schizophrenia. I guess it was blessing, but often wonder about the “what if’s”. She passed away a few years back. Happy Mother’s Day, nice to see you posting again.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Omgosh Britchy! I’m in absolute tears and tethers. I just want to snatch your little self up and smothers you in hugs, wishing all the hurts away. Such beauty and pain in this post. You are truly precious.💕

    Liked by 1 person

  10. That was a heartbreaking piece…..full of honesty and compassion. Often people with personality disorders can’t be helped, or can’t change, and don’t even feel guilt, but they can certainly make things miserable for everyone else. It’s good you’ve made your peace.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Girl! Your mother tops mine. Damn. It’s wonderful that you have made peace with her bad behavior. Some people are not cut out to be parents. Though I was never sexually abused or brutalized (I was spanked a few times), I was tortured mentally and was emotionally abandoned. I broke contact with my mother when I was 19 and gave up trying to deal with my father in 2016. They each came from difficult families, themselves but, they haven’t learned to deal with their own issues…and I can’t fix them. I can only work on me. And, their presence only adds to my issues. They would never apologize to me for their torment as they would never acknowledge it. I would get “I did the best I could” when, in fact, they did not. I don’t hate them. They could have been much worse but, they have their own lives (apart…they divorced when I was 13) and I have mine. They have no grandchildren. I did not believe that I would have made a decent parent and I sure as hell didn’t want to have to explain their behaviors to my kids. Of course, endometriosis took care of all of that, anyway.

    I don’t celebrate Mothers’ Day or Fathers’ Day. I find them to be absurd and a commercialized nightmare not unlike Christmas…or Valentine’s Day. I do, however, quite enjoy my own birthday but, not for the reason you might imagine. My saving grace was my mother’s mom. I bonded with her. All of my birthday photos when I was little was with her…not my parents. And, I was born on her birthday. So, I remember my ‘Mommy’ on my birthday. Her name was Hallie (as you are named the same as my paternal GM…).

    Liked by 1 person

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