Fisher Price and Mattel – or How I Learned The Importance Of Phrasing In Google Searches..

~ the britchy one

Who remembers way back in the olden days – those prehistoric times when we had dial up modems – 28.8 was scorchingly fast. Windows 95 was the hot ticket, Netscape and ICQ – It was the Bronze Age Of Internet-ery and no one wanted to admit to being online as the internet was only for weirdos wanting to make bombs and sex maniacs! Ahh.. the good old days!! I had internet before I had a cellphone which my kids just can’t get their heads around.

I was emailing my penfriend one day – yes penfriend! We’d been penfriends since we were both twelve. We’d progressed from letters to emails to ICQ then finally Skype but this story takes place back when I was just emailing her.

Princess PITA woke from her nap and came to find me. She loved sitting with me while I found pictures of Mickey Mouse etc for her. This time she wandered in with a couple of toys with her and wanted to see pictures of them on ‘the special telly’

Being a good mum I dutifully typed Barbie dolls into one of Google’s forerunners, Altavista. Up came links to pictures of various special edition Barbie’s. Success! Mother of the Year was in my sights! We looked up Timon and Pumbaa, Simba and Nala and other favourites until Princess PITA decided she wanted Barbie with a sister.

No problem thinks I, flushed with the success of a whole string of satisfied requests. ‘Barbie Twins’ was wanted so Barbie twins it was…

Quelle Horreur! It was Sodom and Gomorrah at 28.8kbs! There were boobs and worse EVERYWHERE! I’d only googled Barbie but there were anatomically correct Ken dolls there too and they didn’t look like they were having a tea party!

I couldn’t hit X enough and it KEPT BLOODY LOADING!! So I did the only thing I could – I risked knackering everything and pulled the flippin’ plug out of the wall.

Of course that didn’t shut Princess PITA up and all I heard for days was her telling EVERYONE that Barbie had boobies and that Ken had an extra ‘thumb’. Thank God no one twigged what she really meant!

I now have a whole list of Things I Should Not Google.

Barbie, Ken, Barbie Twins – Barbie ANYTHING in fact

ActionMan

My Little Pony (Seriously – don’t do it)

Rainbow Brite

Water Sports

Spotted Dick recipe

Black Raspberry

….And it never ends!!

Published by the britchy one

A PROUD American Citizen who was born and bred in England and now resides in the US. I’m married to an American who really didn’t have a clue what he was letting himself in for - poor sod! I’m a cranky bitch who loves cats and books and hates chocolate, politics and Dave’s. Oh and mosquitos. I hate those blood sucking parasites but since I’ve already mentioned politics I’m repeating myself! I’m a short, skinny redhead, 3 kids, 2 dogs, not enough cats and a mouth with a death wish. Blood group - certifiable.

52 thoughts on “Fisher Price and Mattel – or How I Learned The Importance Of Phrasing In Google Searches..”

  1. hahahaha oh dear an extra thumb! ICQ…I was on that and did Beta testing for microsoft. I had friends in the states via ICQ who worked at microsoft. those were the days. You could have several windows opened all on the one screen.

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  4. Mrs Bryntin was at work and was telling a colleague about a documentary she’d seen on TV about a guy starting his own chocolate firm. She wanted to show her colleague and had remembered the guy’s name. She had just pressed enter on a search before she realised that it might have been a mistake to only use the two words ‘Chocolate’ and ‘Willy’.

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      1. Indeed. Oh, and being in very rural Cornwall, I don’t have to remember what 28.6 modems were like… that’s just how the internet here is still…

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      2. Yes I remember that the internet there – or phone signals too, weren’t that great! The views are too beautiful for ugly great masts though, it’s about time they invented something more unobtrusive

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  5. Hilarious. But I’m too naive to know what half those things refer to.
    I have a great spotted dick recipe. Apparently in Waitrose, they were so embarrassed to call it by it’s proper name that they now label it as ‘Spotted Richard’. I was going to point out to them that now it sounds like they are selling turds, but didn’t. I haven’t got your guts 😉

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    1. I love spotted dick and custard or treacle sponge and custard too. Sadly I daren’t even MENTION ‘that dinner’ I love because the last time I did I was banned from FaceBook for three days for hate speech. On a British chat group too!!

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  6. Ha, I remember the day I was able to upgrade from a 14400 to a 28.8. I was stoked.

    And I concur about my little ponies. Mrs B told me about “bronies” and I didn’t believe her and so googled it. One of the big mistakes of my visual life. I would have bought some brain bleach at that moment if I could have…

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  7. Ahahahahahaha – that’s brilliant. I remember being on AOL once when I was like 11 (first internet I had), and a pop up came up (having managed to sneak past my dad’s many security/parental filters). There were all these creatures on their that definitely were not pussy cats of the four legged kind if you get my drift! I was so shocked that I couldn’t get off the internet fast enough!

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  9. I think I about fell out of my chair at the “extra thumb” – bless her innocent heart. LOL

    You should also be wary of searching for “Peeps” – you know the sugary marshmallow candy isn’t the only thing that will show up in a Google search.

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  10. Yes, I remember those times. I was actually reminiscing about this yesterday and this morning. Pretty funny for the young ones, who were born after 2k.
    You could have just tossed Princess PITA out of the room. Poor “special telly”.

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  12. Oh how hilarious!!! I remember one time when I was on the computer, probably around 8 years old, and I either typed in the wrong search term or there was a popup ad with a a woman on her knees bobbing her head in front of a standing man. Yeah…. I had no idea what I was seeing, but that scarred me for life. Oh, the internet–a place fill with joys and terrors, entirely dependent on your search terms! 😂

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      1. It reminds me of the time, when my now ex wife and l were new to the Internet and we were looking for something called ‘Farmyard Antics’ which was SUPPOSED to be about ‘Days out on the farm and we were showing her nieces this site and suddenly this pron site popped up with antics with animals, and were like OMG OMG OMG!! trying to figure out how to get rid of it, but every time we closed it, it popped up again!!

        In the end, we just pulled the plug!!

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      1. So, I did google some of these terms ….. I have finally been educated after leading such a simple sheltered life. I can’t stop laughing about all of this, thankyou for the entertainment.

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