It’s back to being just the two of us for a while which is nice. Well, the two of us and Daisy the devil dog. Oh and Milo the farting beagle, Chunks the Destroyer Of Cat Food And Hell Boy, the scaredy cat. But if you don’t count all of them – it’s just the two of us!
Confused? Good. That means you’re paying attention!
‘im indoors decided he was going to have some peanut butter on ritz crackers earlier. It’s his favourite ‘sick’ food. You know – the stuff you want to eat when you feel like death warmed up and At No Other Time.
I don’t currently have a favourite sick food. It USED to be Hot Ribena (blackcurrant cordial diluted with hot instead of cold water) and Heinz Cream Of Tomato Soup until a rather spectacular tummy bug mid 2018 when I threw it all up and totally Jackson Pollocksed the bathroom wall and shower curtain. We had to replace the shower curtain and repaint the wall it stained so badly. Happy days!! But – as usual – I digress.
Anyway, his Manbola isn’t any better. I think it might be developing into Manflammation of MENingitis. I’ll be ‘curing’ him with my antibiotic claw hammer if he doesn’t stop whining and sniffing and describing his snot flow, that’s a certainty.
He keeps his precious ritz crackers now the cupboard above my double oven along with a jar of peanut butter I don’t use. This way I don’t yell if there’s crumbs in it and we’re both happy. This cupboard is pretty high up. The doors are a good six inches or more above my head. He got his goodies out and shuffled across the kitchen to grab a plate and left the door open. I walked past and closed it so he didn’t hit his head. See?! I CAN be nice!! The fact that I didn’t want to listen to any more whining is immaterial- I was being NICE!!
Well stroppy balls got in a right tizzy about it. He spluttered that he left it open on purpose and walked back and opened it again!! You couldn’t make this shit up!! Anyway, he had his crackers and peanut butter (which is nasty and dries my mouth out just thinking about it!) – put his plate and knife in the dishwasher and walked across to put his crap away and yes Dear Reader, you guessed it! He smacked his smug fizzing straight into the cupboard door! He turned around howling like a banshee and tripped over the dishwasher door that he’d left open and did a spectacular swan dive to the floor landing with precision on his (fortunately) padded derrière!
It was at this point I learned he could speak Chinese. It definitely sounded like ‘Ai bang mi fa kin ni’ which is probably a Chinese blessing or something…
There’s a moral to all of this of course. LISTEN TO YOUR BLOODY WIFE DUMBASS!!