Don’t Leave Me Hangin’ On The Telephone…

Blondie knew what she was talking about! Nothing is as irritating when you’re trying to read than incessant phone calls. Particularly when they’re asshat sales calls of fuckwittage. This doesn’t bring out my best side. I have reading rabies. Don’t believe me? Interrupt me mid chapter and diagnose it for yourself!

A day in the phone life of me..

Ring, ring. Ring, ring.

Me: Hello…. HELLOOOOO?

First clue that is a telesales call, waiting for the auto dialer to connect…

Telesales twat: Hello can I speak to Donald Woodworth

Me: Not until you sing me the national anthem.

TT: I SAID can I speak to Donald Woodworth.

Me: and I said not until you sing me the national anthem.

TT: I ain’t singing you no national anthem.

Me: Then neither of us are getting what we wanted are we?

TT: I’ll call back later when someone responsible is home.

Me: Practise your singing lady, I’ll be here all day! I’m sorry for lying though.

TT: lyin’?

Me: yup. You’re no lady.

30 minutes later

Ring, ring. Ring, ring.

Me: Hello?

TT: Hello can I speak to Mrs ‘im-indoors?

Me: Which one?

TT: Mrs J ‘im-indoors.

Me: I’m sorry she’s deceased.

TT: Realllllly? Are you sure?

Me: I sure as hell hope so otherwise we buried her prematurely.

Ten minutes later

Ring, ring. Ring, ring.

Me: Hello?

TT: Hello can I speak to Mrs ‘im-indoors? (SAME BLOODY GUY!)

Me: Which one?

TT: Mrs J ‘im-indoors.

Me: Have you ever seen the show “long island medium”?

TT: err no?

Me: Well try there. She’s been dead for two years now kindly funk off.

Just now

Ring, ring. Ring, ring

Me: Hello

TT: Hello can I speak to the person responsible for your power bills

Me: Do you or anyone you know suffer from erectile dysfunction?

TT: WHAT??!!

Me: Do you or anyone you know suffer from erectile dysfunction?

TT: That’s personal!

Me: Don’t be ashamed, it’s a common problem. Don’t suffer from a loss of intimacy because your sexual prowess is failing. Many men of your age have found relief from their *ahem* “little”….problem.

TT: That isn’t relevant.

Me: (soothingly) I know many men who say their wives and girlfriends dismiss their. …. “proportions” as inadequate but we sell Swedish pumps with a proven success ratio for making lions out of lambs.

Me: Hello? HELLOOOOO? I’ve been hung up on!

… and it isn’t even 10:00am yet. My potential hasn’t even been scratched!

119 thoughts on “Don’t Leave Me Hangin’ On The Telephone…

  1. Dang, you get “real” people to harass back? We get nothing but robotic calls with automatic messages telling us there is nothing wrong with our credit cards, but just to be sure, we should give Company X a call.

    We have an answering machine at home and no longer pickup, period.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. So true! Once I received a phone call which was really a recording, so I hung up. IMMEDIATELY, and I mean, IMMEDIATELY after I hung up, the phone rang back and it was THE SAME RECORDING wanting to continue on from the part where I hung up.

        Liked by 1 person

      1. Britchy told me that I totally nailed her and her unrepentant lack of good behaviour (literal quote). My mum couldn’t stop laughing at the introductory photo – but also couldn’t stop shaking her head at me.

        Liked by 2 people

      2. I haven’t read the latest chapter yet, but I will say, you seem to have captured my nonchalant way not givin a crap and being too into myself. Honestly, its a side effect of being the total package for a ladies man, if I do say so myself.

        Liked by 3 people

      1. I honestly don’t have a special genre. I like anything from suspense murder or horror mysteries (a la Stephen King), to non-fiction historical writings (James Baldwin novels), memoirs, crime thrillers and even self help books (e.g. Dale Carnegie). I especially like Court room dramas, my all time favorite book is Harper Lee’s “To Kill a Mockingbird”.

        I’m currently reading “Red Notice” by Bill Browder, which is a political thriller and also nonfiction. It’s really good so far.

        The only genre I’m not too keen on is Sci-fi/Fantasy, even though I did enjoy “The Hunger Games” Trilogy.

        Liked by 2 people

      2. I loved To Kill A Mockingbird. I love the style, written through the eyes of a child. I’d HIGHLY recommend The Power Of One by Bryce Courtenay. I absolutely loved it. They made a film of it and it’s seriously the worst film of a book I’ve ever seen.

        Liked by 2 people

  2. Madam, YOU are responsible for gut wrenching, tear inducing belly laughs. “Fuckwittage??” BWAHAHHAHAHAH!!! “Telesales TWAT??” Oh my GAWD… BWAHAHHAHAH!!! Excuse me. I have a telemarketer to burn…. Thanks! 😀

    Liked by 2 people

  3. So I live in the nanny suite of a house my employers own, and for the last 6 months or so, I keep getting calls for duct cleaning and every time I say that I don’t own a house so please stop calling. I’ve been blocking the numbers but every time it’s a different number. And every time I tell them to stop calling me. Once I even yelled at whoever called because it was the 2nd call that day!! It’s about once every 2 weeks now. So when it happened yesterday I decided to be calm and ask what the deal was. The guy was actually really nice about it. He said he would see to it my name was removed from the list since I don’t even own a house. And I told him I hope he does because if not, I’m going to start collecting call logs and recording the calls and report them for harassment

    Liked by 1 person

  4. You need to do a podcast with these – it would be wildly popular!

    I am in awe of your creativity (while also still being funny). I have zero patience and just hang up on telemarketers. I find it to be the most efficient and satisfying for me.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. I’d like to be a mole in your brain, tracking the synapses to see what kind of sparking/crackling/firepopping is taking place. Because…dang!…it’s craz-eee what it comes up with!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Ha ha – l do similiar things, Suze tells me off, and tells me off when l start quoting privacy laws at them, and not having my permission to call me in the first place! Or the ultimate when she is the phone being ”polite” to them which angers me even more!! So l start swearing and cussing loud enough for the caller to hear it, then take the phone from her and cussing in an imaginary language and begging for help, l am new to this world!

    I think this might be why Suze walks into the other room!

    These people DO NOT deserve politeness they deserve bluntness!

    Good post Madam B 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I love these. Here’s a fun one, “Oh wow that’s really interesting, I think I need to go get my credit card for you, hang on a minute, I’ll be right back.” Put the phone down, never go back…. bwah ha ha hah

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Well I can’t comment on your story itself but I’m really enjoying reading each chapter. I’m sure my family think I’m scheming up trouble the way I’m smirking and chuckling here (they are SOOOO untrusting 🙄)

      Like

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