The Lunatics are Taking Over The Asylum..

Many years ago, when I was still living in England, I worked for Her Majesty’s Prison Service. I was a clerical officer and dealt with a wide range of services from Throughcare, Prisoners wages and Education to my main role which was Discipline.

Yes I was a Discipline Administrative Officer in an all male prison! That’s a hell of a job title to live down I’m telling you! We had a lot of fun though. I’d get calls all day long from various police forces checking release dates and court dates etc. You quickly learn who the biggest perverts in society are too! It’s policemen! If I had a £ for every time one has said “Discipline huh? Is this Miss Whiplash?” Well – let’s just say Elon Musk would be shining my shoes!!

It grew to be quite a Competition, who could make who uncomfortable first. I shared a vast office space with four other women and everyone down tools to listen when my phone rang!

Let’s face it, no one in government jobs in the UK in the 90’s was pushing themselves to work hard.

I’d be sat there with these hapless fools on speaker while I’d be doing my best Marilyn Monroe type breathy voice and answering their questions with double entendres like “Ooooh that’s a HARD one!” Poor buggers didn’t know if they were coming or going lol. The Governor of the Prison found it hilarious and used to shake his head and saying “I don’t know if I’m running a prison or a knocking shop”!

Anyway. Compliance reared it’s ugly head in the form of training days. After a couple of Prison Riots around the country, it was deemed prudent to have Crisis Control or Hostage Situation training.

Two teams of Prison Officers would have to role play. One as prisoners, one to talk them down.

I was asked to be a hostage so I readily agreed! I was told to try and distract the hostage takers as much as I could. I don’t think they had any idea just how it was going to play out bless ‘em!!

So we’re all in one room but with an imaginary wall and play acting communicating over the telephone.

One side making demands, the other side asking for proof, conditions etc. You’ve all seen the TV shows, you know the score.

So I pipe up LOUDLY “I NEED TO GO TO THE LOO!!”

Everyone’s totally perplexed. No one but me knew I was supposed to be distracting them!

“No you don’t”

“YES I FLIPPIN DO!!!”

The game is stopped while they confer with the trainers who told them to treat everything as part of the training.

So we carried on..

“YOU CAN’T GO TO THE LOO”

“I NEED TO GO OR ILL WET MY DRAWERS!”

To cut a long story short I was “taken” to the loo where we had another epic rant about me not going with the door open etc.

I was seriously pissing the “prisoners” team off!!

Ten minutes of negotiations go by with me behaving beautifully. If that wasn’t a clue that the brown and tacky stuff was going to hit the fan then they hadn’t been paying attention.

“I NEED MY MEDICINES!!!”

“What???”

“I NEED MY MEDICINES!!”

“But you don’t take any medicines!”

”YES I DO – I’M DIABETIC!!”

“YOU ARE NOT AN EFFIN’ DIABETIC!”

”I AM NOW!”

At this point the prisoners demanded a new hostage as they were thoroughly pissed off with me!

It was decided in the event of any actual hostages ever being taken by prisoners they would simply swap me with prison officers and the siege would be over before the kettle had time to boil!

30 thoughts on “The Lunatics are Taking Over The Asylum..

  1. This post made me chuckle. Your delivery was great,I loved how you kept me in suspense till the end. I like the way you wrote it as though you were telling a funny story to a friend.

    Ps. A hostage should be annoying. I mean who wants an award for most pleasant hostage anyway! 😀

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Good one, Britchy! If the average FOX News-addicted American knew how truly perverse, horny, and promiscuous many law enforcement officers are, I wonder if they’d persist in their constant fawning admiration of them. Hell, they probably would. They’d just think, “Well golly, they have a stressful and dangerous job, they deserve to have a piece or three on the side. God bless badge bunnies!”

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I’ve had similar experiences, although mine were on the team. I can definitely relate to them, their in a simulation trying to be as realistic as possible, but knowing that it is merely training. Honestly, I don’t know if I would have dealt with it as well as they did, I might have gotten into character myself, just to be an ass. You’re definitely full of life Britchy, I can appreciate that now that I am out. Keep it up.

    Liked by 2 people

      1. Well, I did have 1 incident with HR. So incompetent. And if you don’t know what you’re doing and someone gently points that out, learn from it, don’t try and assert yourself in your stupidity.

        Liked by 1 person

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