Sandwiches, Shoe Polish and Schaden Freude

Tonight I asked ‘im indoors what he wanted to take to work for his lunch tomorrow.

“Oh ….anything” he said offhandedly.

I was quite peeved by this but – I had a golden moment. One of those moments where instead of going ballistic faster than the speed of light I actually stopped myself – and thought – and decided to turn this into a lesson on consideration for others. Specific others. Namely, sweet little me!

This isn’t the first time I’ve been in this exact position. Many moons ago and half a world away Farquhar Bastardcelot (see Cast of Characters) learned the same lesson.


As did his brother, Bilious Bollockchops, who was living with us at the he time.

I was the dummy who was making packed lunches for both of them daily and it got tiring thinking of what to make and honestly, I got bloody narked when I’d ask what they wanted for lunch and all the input I got back got was “Oh, anything”

One day I’d had REALLY had enough. I was tired, I was feeling sick, (morning sickness. I was expecting Princess PITA) and I just wanted someone to say “make this” so I didn’t have to think but nooo – and that was the “Oh Anything” that broke the camels back. I had the stinkin’ hump and as you’ve all come to realise, that never bodes well for anyone in my line of sight!

I got out a loaf of French bread. I cut it into quarters and buttered it. I sliced cheese, tomatoes, cucumber and onion, I got pre sliced ham out of the fridge.

I got shoe polish from under the sink.

I got toothpaste from the bathroom.

No expense was spared, this wasn’t any old cheap crap. This was Kiwi shoe polish and Colgate toothpaste!

I polished one side of the bread and tooth pasted the other then I lovingly filled the sandwiches and wrapped them in cling film. They were works of art if I say so myself. Actually all Farquhar’s workmates envied him his lunches – up to this point anyway!

I filled croissants with chocolate spread, gentleman’s relish and garlic mayo. (Instead of their usual Nutella and marshmallow fluff) I added a couple of lightly vinegar’d cupcakes and et voila! Lunch was served.

I was home before the Brothers Grim the next day and you know what? I think they’d had a rough day. I thought I knew an awful lot of swear words but goodness gracious, there were a few I’d never heard! They were quite adamant that they didn’t want me cooking dinner that night so we had fish and chips – yet another win for me!

You know what else? They never EVER said “Oh anything” to me again either. Take it from me, it’s a successful lesson when you only have to teach it once.

Which brings me back to ‘im indoors.

Tomorrow he has a nutritionally balanced reminder to be specific when requesting feeding! I hope he enjoys his sandwiches with marshmallow fluff instead of mayo. Unlike the Brothers Grim he’s not stupid enough to think I won’t have messed with everything so that’s the only “creative” offering I’ve made him. I’ve also wrapped a note in cling film and put it IN his sandwich.

It said “well you asked for ANYTHING”

Bet he doesn’t need to learn twice either!

24 thoughts on “Sandwiches, Shoe Polish and Schaden Freude

      1. Had a friend who’s husband wanted the meat wrapped separately from the bread and condiments because he said it made the bread soggy. One morning, mad, she wrote “f**k you” in mustard on the bread so he would see it when he added the meat!!! So clever you ladies are!!!

        Liked by 1 person

  1. Mother-in-law had exactly the same problem with father-in-law until the day he had two bits of bread containing a square of cardboard torn up from a cereal box with sprinkled instant coffee granules on it and a lump of coal instead of an apple.
    He was definitely more specific after that.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. hahahaha….Years/eons ago when I was married…my hubbys friend would always say when asked do you want a cuppa…tea/coffee….he would always say yeah whatever…so one day I had enough…so did his wife. I wonder if they are still married…he would buy her useful things for birthdays etc like mowers, shovels etc…anyways we made him a cuppa…tea/coffee/bonox/milo/anything we could find.. taught him a lesson or two.

    Liked by 1 person

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