..because the thoughts that fall, kicking and screaming from my head need a safe place to land..
Is there a prize for the most syllables in a post title? If there is I should definitely win for this one. Sometimes my life stories have a moral to them. Other than the usual 'Never trust a smiling Britchy' or a quiet Britchy actually, or a chatty Britchy or a... yeah I think you … Continue reading Orchestration Of Castration Without Hospitalization
In the Bible, Satan aka the serpent, tempted Eve into sin with an apple. It’s. I’ve to know some things never change huh?! Apples led me astray today as well. It wasn’t a very long walk admittedly. Truth be told, I have frequent flyer miles in sinning.. Moving swiftly on! I was in Wegmans and … Continue reading Apples and …Ketchup?!
I must admit that at my age...I started to think about this. It was very reassuring to take this quick test and know this ...I'm good! If you are over 40 yrs old, you absolutely SHOULD take this Alzheimer's Test Scroll on.. How fast can you guess these words and fill-in the blanks? 1. _ … Continue reading Self Examination Alzheimer’s Test….
Weird things I’ve rehomed ... or misappropriated if you believe in the police report fairy.. In my defence, it was justifiable retribution! Details will follow after I double check the statute of limitations and the fifth amendment. •The HT leads off a Ford tractor (Ireland) •Several car aerials (all from bastards) •Garden gnomes (postcards were … Continue reading Well – How Did THAT Happen?!
Christmas has come and gone and we’re already half way through January but I’m not done with it! Oooh no! I haven’t had a chance yet to tell you about it. I had a lot of fun playing tricks on people but there was one where I got EVERYONE! It was glorious. I tried to … Continue reading Howdy Doody Dinner..
Facebook just got me in trouble. I hope you’re happy now Mark bloody Zuckerberg. Next time your going to steal an idea from the Winkytosser twins think of the innocent victims.. like me. One of my friends posted this: Naturally it made me think and I thought ‘I wonder if I can still whistle’ ... … Continue reading Whistle While You Work..
I might have been a little bit naughty. Or Educational, take your pick. One of my friends who shall remain nameless (male and thicker than poo!!) was posting that his internet was really slow. Being "helpful" I told him his posts weren't showing up and that he must be was having connectivity issues and to … Continue reading Earth Men Are Easy
I was re-reading Anne of Green Gables earlier and had to smile at her "White Way Of Delight" description of blossom trees lining a road as they drove along in a pony and trap. I spent a few happy minutes thinking how nice to describe places like that. Then I went out to the kitchen … Continue reading Thinkery I have Thunkeried
Monday was spent in the ER. A bit of a saga but I came home with a headache after the flight from Ireland on Tuesday last week. The first couple of days I was calling it Over Tiredness and Jet Lag. There’s no one who can make an excuse not to see a doctor better … Continue reading My Week So Far..
Sometimes I amaze even myself. Jobs I thought were commonplace are obviously rocket science and I never knew.. For example. The toilet roll needed changing. Someone got a new roll out of the cupboard and left it on the windowsill beside the toilet roll holder but didn't take the old empty roll off the spindle. … Continue reading My Super Hero Resume
I was watching TV last night and got bored so I was flicking through for something to watch. I’ve FINALLY watched every episode of NCIS and Criminal Minds so I was at a bit of a loss. I came across a movie, The Spiderwick Chronicles. I’d taken the kids to see this at the Cinema … Continue reading How To Kill A Goblin Or Piss Off Your Ex
I may need an alibi. Fartichoke texted me and told me he saw a trailer for a film with me in it. I was thinking "The Devils Double" He was thinking "The Smurfs" Guess which one of us is going blue??? I haven’t been to the cinema in AGES. I really want to go and … Continue reading When The Scariest Part Of A Movie Is The Audience..
Me: "You spell light, ‘L-I-G-F-T’ don't you?" ‘im indoors: You idiot, there's no f in light!!! Me: I know, I've just had to wee in the dark. I am not appreciated *sigh* It seems my methods of car theft prevention are under appreciated around these parts too. I’m not exactly an Amazon. I’m 5’1” without … Continue reading Anti Theft Shenanigans And Weeing In The Dark..
Quelle surprise!! Il pleut 💦💧⛈💧💦 Le foook. ..It’s probably a judgment on me so anyone in upstate NY getting saturated today - mea culpa. Yes I’ve been a bad Britchy. After my latest prank I’m also an itchy Britchy and I feel very crawly with good reason! Read on.. Firstly I’m going to pretend I … Continue reading The Bathroom Bandit Strikes Again – ‘im Indoors Has Nothing To Go On.
Inspiration can strike at the strangest times really. Great Ideas can come to you when you least expect it and I’ve learned opportunity seldom knocks twice. Let no shenanigans go to waste are words to live by. Ratface Wrinkle-Winkle was a man of few talents but prodigious regularity. Rainman was an amateur compared to old … Continue reading In The Still Of The Night… The Coincidence Of Night, Fright and Shite Rhyming!
You know the saying ‘The Devil makes work for idle hands’? Hold that thought. It’s the best alibi I’ve got. Weekday mornings when my kids were little were chaotic. I was still in England with my ex so I had two school kids, a baby, me, two kittens trying to climb up my legs and … Continue reading The Pros And Cons Of Laser Hair Removal – Or Feline Groovy..
‘im indoors had been having a bit of a grumble lately because of the heat. He doesn’t mind the heat so much as the humidity. We had a whacking great downpour this afternoon. I’d gone to Wegmans to buy stuff to make a baked cheesecake and as I was leaving it was absolutely leathering it … Continue reading Mad Dogs And (Formerly) English Women Go Out In The Midday Sun..
At some point in our lives we’re all going to have one of ‘those’ friends. The ‘keeping up appearances’ type. Shallow as a puddle in the Sahara. The sort for whom image is everything. I don’t know if they are really insecure or totally oblivious but the fact remains, which ever it is they’re BLOODY … Continue reading Her? Oh She’s All Fur Hat and No Knickers… And Marmite.
I was down in NC (amongst other places) last week and I stayed with my son Fartichoke and his friends. For some obscure reason his friends love me and all have to visit every time I’m down which led to many sunrise bedtimes.. I’m getting too old for that crap! Fartichoke was telling stories of … Continue reading How I Upset EVERYONE!!
I had a lovely long conversation with Titselina Bumsqueak who reminded me of several ‘Things I Have Done’. Honestly, sometimes it feels like she just doesn’t appreciate the lengths I go to and the depths I plummet for her benefit. I was visiting her and we’d gone into the small seaside town she lives in … Continue reading How To Liven Up Grocery Shopping – Or NOT..
So I have this friend who we'll call ‘Mary Hinge’ (cos that's not her name) My girl has a bit of a disability. She's deaf. She must be. She didn't listen to my Anglo Saxon monologue warning and went and got herself married. Sentenced to life by a gold band and a big cake. Now … Continue reading Monkey Business
Okay so yes. We all know KNOW I'm evil - and I KNOW I'm going straight to hell but - Someone just called my cell phone and didn’t give me a chance to speak before stating very peremptorily "Hello I need to see the doctor for my constipation” Now in my defence, she didn’t give … Continue reading Paging Dr Britchy!!
You know how it is when your kids? You think your Parents know everything. They see through every fib you tell, they know every scrap of naughtiness - heck they even know the nine times multiplication table!! The Oracle at Delphi had nothing on Parents and especially not my Dad. He saw through everything. He … Continue reading Tarzan and The Chandelier
I had a problem with money disappearing out of my purse a couple of years ago. Ten bucks here, Twenty there, it was very annoying. Apart from the obvious ‘someone was stealing’ part, I’d go to look for cash and there wouldn’t be any. If anyone had asked for the money I’d have given it … Continue reading To Catch a Rat..
Well - mostly behaving beautifully. That counts. It’s been a very sedate April Fools Day in the oul Britchy Homestead. Someone - ‘im indoors - has been on edge ALL day waiting for a prank. I think my ducksay prank yesterday was ill-timed because it reminded him that April Fools was upon us! So just … Continue reading Behaving beautifully on April Fools Day
I have been really good for the last few days. I haven’t scared the mailman, or pissed off next doors dog, or thrown gas-ex or condoms or any other “how did that get there?” items in anyone’s shopping cart... I haven't even slung my phone across the room when it kept misspelling what I was … Continue reading Easter Ducking About..
So far since living in the US I haven’t had any truck with the Joeys*. Maybe it’s because we lived in the middle of a largely Amish community when I first moved here. There’s no explanation why we’re escaping their visits now though, unless either my reputation proceeds me or they aren’t as tenuous here … Continue reading Miss Manners (UN)Guide to Answering the Door
It was November of 2012 which you may remember, was a Presidential Election year here in the US. I hadn’t even had my green card for a year at this point but I still wanted to be a part of the Electoral Process so, I was planning to go with my husband when he went … Continue reading How Obama Broke My Bones
Yes you guessed it. Another story from Ireland - because frankly, where else could this stuff go down? So it was a Saturday night and we were off to Ballygobackwards to see a really great local band. There was me, Titselina Bumsqueak and my cousin, Saoirse* O’Milk all glammed, glittered and nearly scuttered with the … Continue reading The Gig, the Jig and Stealing a Hearse
It never fails to amaze me that anyone will ask me for relationship advice. Then again, with the amount of weirdos I’ve attracted over the years I should be expert at spotting them. My wanker magnet is second to none it seems! I’ve decided to make a series of posts on relationships to serve as … Continue reading Britchy Advice on Dating and Marriage.
I saw an ex coworker yesterday who I haven't seen since before Christmas. He was a little upset with me. Before Christmas he was complaining about his wife. He was saying she was always bitching at him and she seemed to have PMS 24/7. (Married to him, I’m not surprised..) Naturally my sympathies were with … Continue reading You Just Can’t Help Some People!!
Tonight I asked ‘im indoors what he wanted to take to work for his lunch tomorrow. “Oh ....anything” he said offhandedly. I was quite peeved by this but - I had a golden moment. One of those moments where instead of going ballistic faster than the speed of light I actually stopped myself - and … Continue reading Sandwiches, Shoe Polish and Schaden Freude
I would like to announce I have been good all day and haven't done or thought any bad things. I would like to announce I didn’t put a sticker on the back of ‘im indoors car saying “Passion Wagon. Don’t laugh, your daughter might be in the back” I would like to announce I haven't … Continue reading On behaving beautifully
Titselina Bumsqueak and I have a long history of laughter - way back to the last century in fact! That’s something I love saying, “last century”! It’s kind of scary when you realize this years HS graduating classes weren’t even born then - but I digress! Last time I visited TB she was still living … Continue reading Dave Douchenugget and the PG Tips.
No not me... Pfft! Don't you know yet what a evil, wicked mean and nasty person I am?! My best friend and her boyfriend both work in a casino and as such, work a lot of nights. Her boyfriend was working last night but she wasn't so they were texting each other with saucy messages. … Continue reading The Joy of Sexting
Bitchin’ in the Kitchen 