The Coffee Table, The Ex and The Voice of Doom

My youngest son, Thmellyarthe, was a very precocious reader. He was able to read first reading books at the age of three. I used to play with him as we’d be walking around the supermarket asking him to tell me when we were in aisle three,count tins of beans, find me the orange packet of rice etc. It really paid off as he was way ahead of every other kid at school.

It had its own kind of backlash too though and naturally, I found that out.

After the ex left us I completely redecorated. I’d bought some older furniture which was tatty but I loved and intended to paint anyway. I had some of the extremely pale pink paint left from when I painted my ear and phone China Cabinet.

I decided to use it on a Queen Anne style coffee table as well. So I was careful this time. I unplugged the phone and put a plastic sheet on the floor and I EVEN changed into old clothes!! Impressive huh?! Who knew I was capable of such unbridled common sense?

It may have been down to the fact that my friend, the Contesha de Counshill Eshtate was “helping”. Helping in this case involved keeping us both supplied with cherry coke* I have to give her credit though,neither of us got.. dehydrated..

In one of those, it seemed like a good idea at the time moments, I’d painted a lot of rude comments about my ex on the back of the China cabinet so I carried on the “tradition” painting “Piss off you Nosey Bastard” under the coffee table. We both had a fun evening and that was that.

I forgot about it.

We spent a lot of time together that summer, cooking together for our kids, having them all camping in my garden, watching horror films and scaring ourselves witless when the kids were at their dads, it was fun!

The Ex Doofus came around one day “to talk” while we were all together so she took all the kids off out into the garden. All except Thmellyarthe but he was only three,coming up four at the time. He was playing “inchworm” which basically involved sliding across the floor. I wasn’t really paying attention to him apart from having to pull him out legs first from under the TV stand.

He’d worked his way over towards us but he was quiet and the Ex asked if I was seeing anyone else (I wasn’t but didn’t want to say that) I was trying to think of a reply so I took a big swig of Ribena (Blackcurrant Cordial) to buy time – just as a sepulchral disembodied voice intoned

“Piss Off You Nosey Bastard”

One spat up glass of Ribena.

One white shirt ruined.

One fuming pissed off ex.

One MORTIFIED but relieved Britchy!

I don’t really know why I like pink for paint, it’s the colour of disaster in my life!

*Cherry Coke in this case being Coke and Cherry Brandy *hic*

14 thoughts on “The Coffee Table, The Ex and The Voice of Doom

      1. I have an 8 year old french speaking step-child. A seal (the animal) in french is a phoque. She has a stuffed one. So when I facetime with her, she loves to say “what the phoque”. She doesn’t know why I laugh so hard so she says it all the time. Even when I have her on speakerphone at work!!!

        Liked by 1 person

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