Pinterest, Facebook, Instagram – you all have a lot to answer for!
Oh and you all SUCK!!
I’m not one of Mother Nature’s natural decorators really. My idea of painting would appear to be to get as much on me and my clothes as possible and if there is any left over slap it on the walls for good measure. I enjoy it though – so what the hell if I use three cans where one would do?! The REAL expense involved in decorating for me is all the bloody bubble bath and hot water I get through!
I bought a mahoghany color (pretty damn sure it wasn’t real mahogany for $20) china cabinet on Ebay. I believed all the hype that any dummy could upcycle and planned on titivating the flipping thing “a la Pinterest etc” The project was painting it with an off white semi gloss paint. Its a really pretty hue, a very slight shade of pink, sort of looks like white paint reflecting something pink near it so it’s very subtle…
Anyway there I was, merrily slapping on the paint and singing my little heart out when the landline rang.
Unfortunately it wasn’t the phone I had in my hand at the time.
It was a freshly loaded paint brush.
Yes, dear reader. I did!
I answered the flippin’ paint brush – and not content with that I then picked up the REAL phone to answer AND PUT IT TO THE PAINTED EAR!
After all that it was a friggin’ cold call too. I was helpful in spite of my distress. I bet they’d never thought of replacement windows for their arsehole before.
My new skincare regime is Turpentine and brillo pads – although, and here’s a handy hint – it doesn’t do much for phones. In fact it is NOT HELPFUL. Turps does not play nicely with plastic/rubber/whatever the blasted phone is made of. I managed to melt the buttons on the phone “cleaning” them so I’ve been out today buying a new, and hopefully idiot-proof phone.
We shall see.
In the past I’ve also answered the iron. Explaining how you burnt your ear when trying to a) buy burn cream and b) get a hairdresser to fix your sizzled locks is hugely entertaining for everyone bar me.
I’ve also attempted to answer a hand mixer when making chocolate fudge cakes. Thankfully the bombardment of cake mix splatter stopped me putting the bloody thing to my ear. I never did get the stains off the ceiling. It stained the textured whatever-that-shit-is and then kept bleeding through the fresh paint. It gave the kitchen a certain “Freddy Krueger lived here” ambience I think..
You’d think I’d know by now wouldn’t you but nooooo. Just goes to show you CAN’T teach an old dog new tricks eh?!