A Remorseful Tale of Repurpose, Repaint, Regret.. and Replace!!

~ the britchy one

BLOODY DECORATING!

Pinterest, Facebook, Instagram – you all have a lot to answer for!

Oh and you all SUCK!!

I’m not one of Mother Nature’s natural decorators really. My idea of painting would appear to be to get as much on me and my clothes as possible and if there is any left over slap it on the walls for good measure. I enjoy it though – so what the hell if I use three cans where one would do?! The REAL expense involved in decorating for me is all the bloody bubble bath and hot water I get through!

I bought a mahoghany color (pretty damn sure it wasn’t real mahogany for $20) china cabinet on Ebay. I believed all the hype that any dummy could upcycle and planned on titivating the flipping thing “a la Pinterest etc” The project was painting it with an off white semi gloss paint. Its a really pretty hue, a very slight shade of pink, sort of looks like white paint reflecting something pink near it so it’s very subtle…

Anyway there I was, merrily slapping on the paint and singing my little heart out when the landline rang.

Unfortunately it wasn’t the phone I had in my hand at the time.

It was a freshly loaded paint brush.

Yes, dear reader. I did!

I answered the flippin’ paint brush – and not content with that I then picked up the REAL phone to answer AND PUT IT TO THE PAINTED EAR!

After all that it was a friggin’ cold call too. I was helpful in spite of my distress. I bet they’d never thought of replacement windows for their arsehole before.

My new skincare regime is Turpentine and brillo pads – although, and here’s a handy hint – it doesn’t do much for phones. In fact it is NOT HELPFUL. Turps does not play nicely with plastic/rubber/whatever the blasted phone is made of. I managed to melt the buttons on the phone “cleaning” them so I’ve been out today buying a new, and hopefully idiot-proof phone.

We shall see.

In the past I’ve also answered the iron. Explaining how you burnt your ear when trying to a) buy burn cream and b) get a hairdresser to fix your sizzled locks is hugely entertaining for everyone bar me.

I’ve also attempted to answer a hand mixer when making chocolate fudge cakes. Thankfully the bombardment of cake mix splatter stopped me putting the bloody thing to my ear. I never did get the stains off the ceiling. It stained the textured whatever-that-shit-is and then kept bleeding through the fresh paint. It gave the kitchen a certain “Freddy Krueger lived here” ambience I think..

You’d think I’d know by now wouldn’t you but nooooo. Just goes to show you CAN’T teach an old dog new tricks eh?!

Published by the britchy one

A PROUD American Citizen who was born and bred in England and now resides in the US. I’m married to an American who really didn’t have a clue what he was letting himself in for - poor sod! I’m a cranky bitch who loves cats and books and hates chocolate, politics and Dave’s. Oh and mosquitos. I hate those blood sucking parasites but since I’ve already mentioned politics I’m repeating myself! I’m a short, skinny redhead, 3 kids, 2 dogs, not enough cats and a mouth with a death wish. Blood group - certifiable.

32 thoughts on “A Remorseful Tale of Repurpose, Repaint, Regret.. and Replace!!”

  5. I really like this! You have a wonderful way of showing feeling to the reader. I followed you because you are a great writer, and I am picky about who I follow. I am also going to nominate you for a blogging award (when I get around to writing the post this week) ‘The sunshine Bloggers Award’ because I think you’re ace.

    Please check out my blog if you have a moment:

    https://thisdoorisalarmed.wordpress.com/

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  7. This is so brilliant and you write so well! I have discovered a foolproof way of getting round all telephone mishaps by never ever answering mine (I’m actually wimpily scared of phone calls because it’ll all be in muffled French ). Perhaps you should consider following suit…?

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    1. I rarely answer the phone funnily enough.. maybe my subconscious mind had worked out a devilish way to assassinate the beastly thing? Hmm, I’ll have to think about this. I’m quite bad enough without a fiendish subconscious aiding and abetting me..

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  8. Ahahaha, so fun! Can’t say I’ve ever answered anything, but rest assured I have my own vast collection of idiotisms.. don’t we all 🙂

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  9. Well that’s one way to add new color to your hair! answering a paint brush, lol! I once grabbed a tube of cream instead of toothpaste. I won’t tell you what kind of cream it was, but I learned my lesson! Creams do not go in the same drawer, or even in the same room for that matter as my tooth brush!

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  10. Pingback: The Coffee Table, The Ex and The Voice of Doom – Bitchin’ in the Kitchen

  15. You may not learn by repetition (albeit with different media each time..good artistic flair there I think)…but you do one thing with your repeats…. you spread laughter and good humor and that my dear is priceless. I laughed and laughed and laughed again….oh my goodness. Well I was contemplating painting something (really a touch up here and there to the old domicile (she’ll be five in Dec and she’s showing it) …. but now I’m thinking of finding a relative in need of cash or some youth whose parents will farm out for coin. (damned pirate speak is stuck in my brain pan…and you thought YOU had problems! 😉 ) and having them do it. If I got paint on my skin or in my hair? I’d probably lose a bit of both in trying to remove it. Bwahah. Thanks again for the huge belly laugh. I feel loads better now! 😛

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  16. What… isn’t that how you’re supposed to paint? If you’re not wearing it, it’s not done right. I still have paint from this weekend under my fingernails.

    Look at it this way. At least you didn’t step in the paint, stumble, fall anyway, and spill the paint all over the living carpet you were too lazy to cover… not that I know anybody’s who’s done that. *sticks hands in pockets, looks down, whistles*

    BTW, how’s the cabinet?

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