I had a lovely long conversation with Titselina Bumsqueak who reminded me of several ‘Things I Have Done’. Honestly, sometimes it feels like she just doesn’t appreciate the lengths I go to and the depths I plummet for her benefit.
I was visiting her and we’d gone into the small seaside town she lives in for a lurk. It was a lovely day and we had a kid free weekend as her ex, Dave Douchenugget was having the kids. You only live once so we dropped into Wetherspoons for a tipple (pushed,shoved and elbowed each other more like) and sauntered to the bar… two pitchers of jelly babies and a couple of Cheeky Vimto’s later and we were starving. Funny how alcohol makes you hungry enough to eat the arse off an elephant..
We decided to get some shopping in Morrisons (NOT the favorite supermarket) because our lazy arses didn’t want to hoof it to Tesco. We sure as hell couldnt drive!
We got doughnuts, cream cakes, two six packs of crisps, Niknaks, Chocolate, Coke and a dozen freshly baked sausage rolls for the walk home and a couple more bottles of wine in case we ran out of happy juice.
We decided we should look through the frozen section at all the stuff we could have if
A) we weren’t too shitfaced to cook and
B) we already knew we’d be calling the Bombay Bicycle to deliver our yummies!
So we were in the frozen section, turning our noses up and chicken nuggets and debating the merits of grabbing a loaf of bread and making fish finger sandwiches for a snack when ‘my eyes doth alight’ (don’t you think that sounds all Wordsworth-y and grown up? Make the most of it. It only gets rubbishier from here!!)
… ANYWAY – When I squinted, looked through one eye and finally realised what I was looking at was Quorn. Not just any old Quorn. This was called Quorn Southern Fried Chicken.
Okay – mini rant. I like Quorn. I like veggie burgers, I like a lot of vegetarian foods whilst remaining a bone-sucking carnivore… and I get why people become vegetarian and totally respect that. So Why oh flippin’ WHY does vegetarian stuff get branded as MEAT? There is no such thing as Quorn Chicken! Stop this food manufacturers! We’re not total planks!
Back to the story.
My self righteous indignation was elevated a thousand times by alcohol and spying a sales assistant it was on! Shenanigans! I almost felt sorry for him but like Everest and Edmund Hillary – he was there. With an evil glint in my eye, I cleared my throat. TB sighed but it was too late, I was off!
I was pretty good really. I only asked him if the Quorn was halal.. and the dozy fraggle went off to ask a manager! He came back about five minutes later and sort of shrugged and told me “ eee sez it’s vegetarian”. I replied that cows are vegetarian, you don’t see many vampire cows do you but – cows are sneaky – they can be halal too! I could not believe it when he went off to check again so we scarpered before he came back with security!!
Deffo think I’ll have to pull that stunt again heh heh heh Maybe not in Wegmans though, they kind of anticipate me there now. It’s very disheartening.
On a bright side, Titselina Bumsqueak says shopping with me is an excellent method of keeping fit as she never knows WHEN she’ll have to leg it.. just that its extremely likely!
That’s quite a nice compliment for me, she normally calls me a crazy old bag 🙂