My Super Hero Resume

~ the britchy one

Sometimes I amaze even myself. Jobs I thought were commonplace are obviously rocket science and I never knew..

For example. The toilet roll needed changing. Someone got a new roll out of the cupboard and left it on the windowsill beside the toilet roll holder but didn’t take the old empty roll off the spindle.

Next person used the toilet roll but didn’t change it and so on until I get into the bathroom.

Only I am capable of the micro precision needed to remove the empty cardboard tube from the spindle and reattach the new half empty by this point toilet roll.

I can do this with paper towel rolls as well. Multi talented or what?

Panicked cries of ‘Mum where’s my “xyz”?’ are met by my dulcet tones yelling ‘On the floor, where you flippin’ left it.

I’m skilled in the arts of refilling the sugar jar and coffee maker water tank.

Get this, I can unwrap a stick of butter and put it on a butter dish.. I don’t microwave it in the wrapper then leave the greasy mess on the counter when I’m done. Who knew such badass skills existed? Not my bloody family obviously!

Honestly, a team of Mothers Of Teenagers coulda found Bin Laden in a week. We’d have just followed the trail of dirty laundry!

If NASA are hiring I’m available.. there is no limit to my capabilities obviously!!

Oh and if you hear terrified screaming later, don’t worry. I loaded the toilet roll with my plastic cockroaches – just because!

Published by the britchy one

A PROUD American Citizen who was born and bred in England and now resides in the US. I’m married to an American who really didn’t have a clue what he was letting himself in for - poor sod! I’m a cranky bitch who loves cats and books and hates chocolate, politics and Dave’s. Oh and mosquitos. I hate those blood sucking parasites but since I’ve already mentioned politics I’m repeating myself! I’m a short, skinny redhead, 3 kids, 2 dogs, not enough cats and a mouth with a death wish. Blood group - certifiable.

76 thoughts on “My Super Hero Resume”

  1. You’re not alone – I think when there is matriarchy (such as a household with teenagers and a husband) there are jobs that are assumed to be the pinnacle of your success – such as changing loo rolls! 😉

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    1. I have been sorely tempted to put wax on the toilet seat. I think it’s a great idea. I’d never be ‘allowed’ to clean the bathroom again. Literally the only thing stopping me is the fear of forgetting it’s there but if I do it before I go away for a few days I’ll be safe!

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  8. Thankfully I live alone so the only time I get this frustration is at work lol but at work it’s with 10 teenagers, four kids under 13 and about 5 adults. Some days I just want to scream!

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    2. Or maybe…
      Were impressed with your resume, but unfortunately, your qualifications are at a higher standard than the job for which you have applied. Please try back again later.

      Liked by 3 people

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  11. This is fucking awesome lol. We are brain surgeons, I’m telling you! The plastic roach bit is CLASSSSICCCC please record their reactions and email it to me lol ok not kidding I need to see this lol shegivesnofox@yahoo.com

    Also, my kids aren’t even teenagers yet but it’s not going to get any better from what I can tell. Especially when the husband is worse than the kids lol

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    1. I’m already too late! ‘im indoors was ‘Jesus H Christ’ing at 5am this morning. I woke up to his melodious ranting!
      I’ve done the plastic roach bit before. Several times actually. Those buggers are expensive, you have to get your moneys worth! I shall take them to my daughters next time I visit and tape the reaction there if I can!

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      1. Lol!!! I have some plastic rats outside for Halloween I’m gonna pull some pranks and traumatize my kids while they’re young. I wanna make sure the trauma follows them into adulthood otherwise I haven’t done my job as a
        Mother. 😬😂😂😂

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      2. I love sneaking out of the front door when they’re sitting on the deck at the back and then sidling around out of sight until
        I can pop up like a disembodied lunatic at an appropriate point. I call it a cardiac workout, they call it an excuse to practice profanity I’ve never heard of – and that’s impressive

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  12. LOL – thanks for the chuckle this morning! One day, when your nest is empty, you’ll either enjoy the tp always perfectly placed on the holder or you’ll miss the appearance of the empty tubes. Thank goodness for life’s changing needs, there’s always a job for a mom!

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  13. Perhaps, instead of trying to change their behaviour, you simply need to prevent it in the first place. If they cannot use the toilet roll or butter, then you will not be landed with the mess aftwrwards. You clearly need more plastic cockroaches!

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  14. Brilliant, l know Suze has lines in this house of similiar verse – luckily l am adept at changing toilet rolls, and am guilty of none of the above, but l oft hear the phrase “Oh look the magical washing basket is empty again!? i wonder who does that??”

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  19. I’m not entirely sure which is funnier…your post or the comments! 😂

    I do all the cooking. I do all the laundry. Half the time, his dirty clothes make it ‘half way’ to the laundry room & wind up on the dining room table. At least they are not on the floor.

    He doesn’t bother with TP rolls. That result came from “the paper is facing the wrong way” argument. I am a “paper on top” type whereas he, invariably, had it hanging from behind. He just lets me handle it.

    The good news is, he will clean a toilet. He will wash dishes. Curiously, as the man of the house, he doesn’t take out trash. I’m the one who has to get it to the street bin. THEN, he rolls it out to the street.

    He is an older Vietnam veteran. I can’t afford to frighten him. But, as a retired cop, not much bothers him, anyway. Any attempt at surprise is usually met with a mere eyebrow raise 🤨, followed by the eye roll 🙄, followed by the head shake, followed by “nice try”.

    I never thought of putting “TP roll changer” on my resume. 🤔

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    1. I often think the comments are the best bit, I love the chatting with everyone.
      There’s a lot you could add to your resume if you think of it.
      Hostage Negotiations
      Chemical Warfare
      Psychiatrist
      Banker
      Doctor
      Chef
      We’re SOOOO undervalued!

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  23. The finished toilet roll is a constant in my house too but now,at times, they have learned to change it and place the finished one in the drawer instead of the new one so when last will be finished and you will need a replacement you ll find just finished rolls😱

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  24. Absolutely hilarious!! My hubby will leave a sliver of paper on the roll, not enough for anyone to use, mind you, but it’s his excuse not to put a new one up. Doesn’t even bother with a ruse for paper towels. Thanks for making me laugh🤣

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