It never fails to amaze me that anyone will ask me for relationship advice. Then again, with the amount of weirdos I’ve attracted over the years I should be expert at spotting them. My wanker magnet is second to none it seems!
I’ve decided to make a series of posts on relationships to serve as a warning to you all. Everyone will benefit – especially animal shelters when we all decide to get a cat or a dog instead of a life partner!!
Men are all the same – they just have different faces, so we can tell them apart.
Except when they have the same face but THINK we can’t tell them apart! I had a date twins who made the Winklevoss brothers look smart. Honestly, if brains were dynamite these two wouldn’t have had enough to blow their noses.
One of the twins worked with Titselina Bumsqueak and they were laughing about how they were going to wind this girl up (me!!) by both going on a date with me and swapping places to keep confusing me. Yeah – they were THAT smart – Like she wouldn’t tell me!
So the date came around and we met for a drink. Titselina Bumsqueak was already there but in a booth where they couldn’t see her but she could witness the fun (and I’d have someone to go home with!)
What I did next was mean they deserved it. I asked twin one to tell me a bit about him so he did (but not that he was a twin lol) He asked me to tell me about him so I told him about my (fake) Romany grandma and how I’d inherited her “sight” but it was a bit unusual. I told him I could smell how someone would die. He blanched a little but said he didn’t want to know how he was going to die.
Shortly after he went off to the loo and obviously filled his brother in as when twin two came to the table, the first thing he said was “I’ve changed my mind. How am I going to die?” I pretended to be shocked and couldn’t understand what was going on.
He asked what was the matter so I said before he went to the loo he was definitely going to die from cancer but now he was going to die on the toilet of a ruptured bowel. I said it wasn’t possible. Something must be wrong because how could he have one future one minute and then another ten minutes later? I pretended to be very upset.
He buggered off to the loo again and back came twin one. Honestly, it was a bit insulting that they thought I wouldn’t tell them apart, they really weren’t that alike at all. Anyway, as he sat down I said I must be coming down with something because my senses were completely off and now I was sure he was going to die of cancer again.
At this he was totally freaked out and said we’d better call it a night. He left via a quick trip to alert his brother and without even being polite enough to ask how I’d get home!
TB and I were laughing all weekend about it but she did tell him the truth at work on Monday – can you believe he had the AUDACITY to think I was the one who behaved badly?!