Things were going entirely too well round here. It had been days or at least hours since my last mortification – I should have known it couldn’t last!!
It was a “lovely” day today. Temps reached the heady heights of 58F (14C) here in the frozen Norf. I almost discarded one of my three pairs of drawers but that would have been asking for more shhhh-you-know-what to fall. We’re not out of the woods for that white shite yet. I know Facebook will be reminding me of a few less than salubrious profanity-laced rants throughout May.
I did go out without a coat though! My bravery and recklessness knows no bounds! And I wore shoes!! With heels!! Not boots – and that’s another first for the year too! That reminds me, time for a pedi before someone looks at my feet and thinks I’m going to swoop down and carry off a child or something. Jeans, heels, jumper – we were ready to go!
I decided Wegmans had been getting off lightly lately and it was time to grace them with my presence. Not that I intended buying anymore of their shite samosas but I needed a few essentials. Sweets, ice cream, candy, oven chips, butter pecan coffee creamer.. barely enough to keep a girl from biting people I know!
Off I went in the Sooper Cooper blasting Princes of The Universe by Queen to get me in the mood for a little world domination in the laundry detergent aisle. If I’m going to take over the world it had better be clean!
So there I am, wandering around with a vague sense of – something was up. My spidy senses were in full alert. If zombie bananas attacked well, I was forewarned. I wandered into the frozen aisle. The source of my previous shenanigans and past the frozen peas… and then it all came together.
Frozen. Let It Go. Peas. Realisation was almost running down my leg so I abandoned my cart and made a wee line for the Ladies. Crisis averted! Next up: The Flush. Loo’s are quite different here. There isn’t a cistern with a handle on it in public bathrooms. They are mostly self flushing now but some still have a lever contraption on the side When I first moved here I mentioned one day that the handle on the loo was filthy. My friend was horrified and said “Ermagerd!! No one TOUCHES that, we all use our foot!”
Duly noted! Wegmans had the “old fashioned” type so naturally, I lifted my foot to flush.. and my shoe fell off and into the toilet. There it was, my beautiful Jessica Simpson red pump was getting a swirly! I was just dumbstruck. I debated throwing the other one in too and leaving barefoot but walking across that bathroom floor and the car park?? I’d have to amputate my feet. Luckily it was beached not submerged so with a wad of toilet paper I fished it out and limped to the sink.
I ran the water as hot as it would get (lukewarm) and ran my shoe under it for a solid ten minutes. At this point there wasn’t much else I could do. I stuffed it full of paper towels and tried to dry it as best I could under the hand dryers.
Putting my foot back into that shoe was… I think I’d sooner have eaten the kangaroo testicles on ‘I’m a Celebrity, Get me Out of Here’ I had to go and retrieve my shopping – it was step, squelch, step, squelch… going home in the morning wearing the same clothes as the night before? Pfffft!! THIS is the walk of shame!!
Oh and tomorrow? I’M WEARING BOOTS!!