How To Kill A Goblin Or Piss Off Your Ex

I was watching TV last night and got bored so I was flicking through for something to watch. I’ve FINALLY watched every episode of NCIS and Criminal Minds so I was at a bit of a loss. I came across a movie, The Spiderwick Chronicles.

I’d taken the kids to see this at the Cinema on one of those Saturday morning everyone-pays-£1-deals years ago and it was a great family film so I settled in to watch. It was a fun trip down memory lane and I’d highly recommend it! It might be a bit scary for younger kids but mine loved it. They would have been about 5, 10 and 11 at the time.

The film has Goblins in it. Real Goblins, not Politicians! Apparently the only way to kill Goblins is with Ketchup Bombs. You learn a new thing every day huh?!

We went to a burger bar for lunch and they all found it hilarious when I picked up the ketchup and said “What if Ratface* is a goblin?!” We laughed, ate, went home and I forgot about it.

NEVER Forget Nuffink! That there is the Golden Rule Of Parenting.

Anyway, life went on. A few days later Ratface came over on some pretext. He was tarted up to the nines – haircut, shaved (usually a right scruffy bugger!) and a sparkling clean white shirt. He obviously had a date and was itching for me to comment but yeah..NO!

Thmellyarthe* wandered out to the kitchen and came in with the bottle of ketchup. I had my back to him so the first thing I saw was a stream of red gloop SPLAT on Ratface’s shirt!

Thmellyarthe is my child – and no quitter! He squinted damn near that whole bottle of ketchup before either of us reacted to stop him.Unsurprisingly, Ratface reacted first. This was largely because I was laughing so hard I may have peed a little and also because would you go near a child with a Ketchup Uzi?! Yeah – me either!

Ratface was not impressed with

1. Being covered in ketchup

2. Being compared to a Goblin

3. If he was a Goblin – and frankly, the jury is out on that one – the attempted murder!

Things I Learned From This:

Kids remember dangerous shit.

Never turn your back on a five year old.

Ketchup and white shirts are not compatible.

Keep condiments out of children’s reach (unless you are divorced.)

*Ratface Wrinkle-Winkle. See Cast Of Characters and Ratface, Ozzy and the TomTom

*Thmellyarthe. See Cast Of Characters

24 thoughts on “How To Kill A Goblin Or Piss Off Your Ex

  1. Oww god that’s hilarious Britchy, I’ve heard kids say the most embarrassing things about their parents and do the most embarrassing things to their parents over the years.😂



  2. I have never heard of this movie, and the picture at the start didn’t really make me want to explore it but now I kind of do!!

    In your list of things that Ratface was not impressed with, the numbers go 1,3,4 – what happened to 2? Has he hacked your blog and decided that 2 wasn’t true and took it out? I think another round of ketchup bombs are in order.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I cannot stop laughing! I’m doing some catch up reading and lady this is what I needed this Monday mourning lol!!! First of all, your son is a total badass. Secondly, you are a total badass mom for laughing at it, and wishing you had thought of it before your kid lol and lastly, if my son (he’s 6) and your son got together- I’m confident they’d dominate the planet within 4 minutes of scheming shit in a blanket and couch pillow fort. Bahahahaha

    Liked by 1 person

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