You know the saying ‘The Devil makes work for idle hands’? Hold that thought. It’s the best alibi I’ve got.
Weekday mornings when my kids were little were chaotic. I was still in England with my ex so I had two school kids, a baby, me, two kittens trying to climb up my legs and a worthless great turd of a husband to sort out! Packed lunches, school uniforms, 97 different breakfast choices. Book bags, dirty diapers – is it any wonder I turned out the way I did?!
Weekends were the complete opposite. My kids were never early risers – I even had to wake them up on Christmas Day… what kids aren’t up at 4am on Christmas Day?! Weirdo’s that’s who. I’d go downstairs and usually have a couple of hours of blissful peace and quiet before the rabble roused.
Not this Saturday though. This particular Saturday was spoiled. Farquhar Barstardcelot getting up early. How dare he?! Not only did he get up but he brought the sleeping baby down with him. I was pissed.
He was there wandering around in just his horrible old dressing gown that he’d had since he was twelve with his horrible pure white and extremely hairy legs sticking out like two stalks of celery. It was enough to curdle the milk in my lovely cup of tea!
Baby Thmellyarthe was bound to wake up at any time but old Farquhar didn’t care, he just didn’t want to have to go and get him if he woke while I was hanging laundry out or something.
At the time I had two cats. Pussolini and Kitler. They were sat on the rug behaving beautifully. Thmellyarthe was asleep in his travel cot and Farquhar was sat reading the newspaper.
I just happened to notice the laser pen out of the corner of my eye. It was at the back of the third drawer down in the sideboard. Behind the thirteen charging leads for phones we no longer had (why do we keep them, WHY?!)
I sat on the sofa at a right angle to the one he was sat on and started flashing the laser pen by the kittens to get their attention. They were very young and very playful and they were murderous when it came to that laser pen hence why I’d put it away!
I started running it across the floor towards FB and then away again to really send them haywire. Finally I ran the red dot the length of the room and up FB’s leg into his lap. He couldn’t see all this going on – because the Lord and Master of the house was Reading The Newspaper!
It was like Chariots of Fire. I heard the theme by Vangelis in my head as the kittens raced neck and neck towards the red dot. Faster and faster until, with a great leap of six inches (that’s a lot when you’re four inches!) they leapt onto FB’s legs and, using their razor claws for grip, ascended his legs towards his lap.
There was much screaming in the house of Britchy. And Yelling. And Cursing. There was quite a lot of blood too and there wasn’t a hope of ANYONE staying asleep! Princess PITA and Fartichoke came running downstairs and Thmellyarthe woke up. There was quite an Opera going on I can tell you and in the middle of it all was me asking innocently “What on Earth is the matter?”
I think old FB may have been having a seizure – he was garbling something about ‘homicidal cooking fats’ …and didn’t mention the kittens at all!
The kids were petting the kittens and telling THEM not to be afraid, Thmellyarthe was living up to his name and FB buggered off to his workshop for the day so it wasn’t a totally awful Saturday morning after all!