BLOODY DECORATING!

Pinterest, Facebook, Instagram – you all have a lot to answer for!

Oh and you all SUCK!!

I’m not one of Mother Nature’s natural decorators really. My idea of painting would appear to be to get as much on me and my clothes as possible and if there is any left over slap it on the walls for good measure. I enjoy it though – so what the hell if I use three cans where one would do?! The REAL expense involved in decorating for me is all the bloody bubble bath and hot water I get through!

I bought a mahoghany color (pretty damn sure it wasn’t real mahogany for $20) china cabinet on Ebay. I believed all the hype that any dummy could upcycle and planned on titivating the flipping thing “a la Pinterest etc” The project was painting it with an off white semi gloss…

My dad sent me an email a couple of days ago – one of those touchy feeling “forwarded” doo-dad’s that I detest. It was very out of character for him, he normally just forwards jokes!!

I actually wondered if someone else was using his computer so I added to it and sent it back. He laughed his head off so I thought I’d share the “good advice” he sent with you – and my take on it!!

Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully….. Especially if it’s a kick up the bum or a punch in the gob.

Marry a man you love to talk to. As you get older, his conversational skills will be as important as any other….. Marry a man who can’t talk. The less time you have to spend listening to him whine the better.

When you say, ‘I love you,’ mean…

You’d think I’d be banned from buying pop rocks after the Beirut Buns Incident but no.. So, as you’d expect, I bought more!

I couldn’t think what to do with them. It was a little upsetting. No kids at home at the moment, it’s just me and ‘im indoors. And the animals. The two cats. Specifically Prader Willi and HellBoy.

Both cats are indoors only. Both were from feral mothers and both have FIV. They have a very pampered life and frankly, the fat little porkers are severely obese (but we don’t say that out loud as it hurts ‘im indoors feelings)

Pop Rocks.

It’s a challenge at times to get these two sedentary shit machines to exercise. The laser pen, bits of string, wind up mice… even my blood curdling screams barely get them to raise an eye lid. This is particularly upsetting as I’m very proud of my…

You know how it is with serendipity don’t you?!

Once I filed for divorce, my ex, Farquhar Barstardcelot, morphed into an even more complete bastard. He has this marvelous idea that I should stay home and look after the kids while he did his studly thing fornicating around the web and then we should get back together in 10-15 years – once the kids have left home.

Can anyone say go forth and multiply?!

Honestly, if I’d known he could be that funny before I filed.. yeah NO!

Farquhar had pulled stunts that are beyond audacious but – every dog has it’s day and it was mine.

The kids had a play date AT SOMEONE ELSES HOUSE! Not mine for once and holy debit cards – I could go shopping! On my own!! No flippin’ ankle-snappers!

I had a lovely time, no whining, no tale-telling.. no losing kids and for…

Some of you may have read the Ladeez night story and wondered what happened to Titselina Bumsqueak’s ex. We fixed Fat Sharon but what about TB’s ex? Percy Pickle?

They say confession is good for the soul – well… I guess it’s time for a spot of spiritual harmony!

So where did we leave off? Pretty much with the scant info that Fat Sharon had been playing “hide the sausage” with TB’s boyfriend, Percy Pickle.

Obviously our first instinct was to wallop him with a baseball bat. However, frankly, there isn’t enough cake in the world to give us the calories we’d have expended on doing the job right.

Time for Plan B.

B for Bitches heh, heh.

We decided we’d give him a night to remember so the three of us headed out to the pub. We’d deliberately planned it so he left his car at home and TB…

I was pretty sick for a good bit of last year. I started thinking about stuff I wished I told my kids, funny stories, advice, encouragement… not to eat yellow snow. You know how it goes.

I started a list with this title and promptly went no further. Recently, randomly, I thought of it again so here it is.

An ongoing list in no particular order .. but a start..

Be wary of any group, political party, religion, or individual who claim’s to have all the answers. No one has all the answers. People who make these statements will only lead you into trouble. Anything you can’t question, or can’t get an answer to – isn’t right.

Learn about the world. School will give you limited information, with most of it slanted towards the teachers beliefs. Always look for more information, the opposite view. Structure your opinion on YOUR conclusions…

Growing up under the NHS in London was great. Until it wasn’t.

Raging Despots of Doctors receptionists. Doctors with God complex’s. Nurses who idolised the piggin’ idiots and made them even more delusional if possible!

Oh and let’s not forget the ever present cup of tea. I’m quite sure they even stopped operations for surgeons to have their tea break!

It all climaxed with us, the patients being a bit of a bloody nuisance if anything. I definitely felt treated as a convenience or tool of the trade by some.

This resulted in some embarrassing situations! As I got older, there were more toe curling episodes for them as I grew into my attitude but as a young girl, well – if we’re telling embarassing stories here goes.. it’s hard to pick just one isn’t it?!

When I was 19 I had to see a specialist for “Wimmins problems” and…

*Sigh*

Welcome to the latest round of The Bitchy One’s “You-Couldn’t-Make-This-Shit-Up..”

I was back in England visiting my best friend and I’d gone shopping.

While I was walking around in town I went into a sweet shop (candy store) to buy a curly wurly.

I decided I could indulge myself!

They had all kinds of retro sweets and I bought some shrimps, black jacks and fruit salads too so it was lovely!

Then it all started to go wrong.

Horribly, horribly wrong.

I saw packets of Space Dust.

Also known as Pop Rocks.

Remember that stuff?

You could put a few crystals on your tongue and it would pop and blast your teeth?!

I remember my brother pouring a whole packet into his mouth and screaming like he’d burst his bloody ear drums!!

WUSS!!

But I disgress (nothing new there now is there?!)

I had a brainwave.

It probably wouldn’t…

China in your hand by T’Pau and So Amazing by Luther Vandross

Two songs that I’ll never forget as they caused my dad to cut the plug off my record player!

My best friend and I had been on one of our weekly nights out.

By that I mean it was a weeknight because we were out seven nights a week!

Anyway we were home by 3am and in my room having an autopsy of the night.

….Why she danced with THAT minger.

….Why I let creepy guy buy us both a drink.

….Why we both had to climb out the toilet window AGAIN!

Not an unusual occurrence for us!

Actually a few years ago they were knocking one of our favorite haunts on the Old Kent Road in London.

I was very tempted to ask the builders for the toilet window for old times sake but wasn’t sure if…