..because the thoughts that fall, kicking and screaming from my head need a safe place to land..
I have got a mahooosive fridge freezer. It's wider than I'm long. It's 66"" wide, I'm 61" tall. I love it but the boys? Not so much! The problem is the doors weren't hung quite right when it was fitted. The fridge side is off slightly which causes it to reopen if you don't shut … Continue reading Fartichoke And The Revenge Of The Fridge
The editor of a local paper hears about these two twins in the retirement home Harriet and Hazel who is celebrating their 102nd Birthday. He needs a feel-good story for filler so he sends down a photographer to snap some pictures. He gets there and asks the twins if he can take their picture. Harriet … Continue reading Getting The Story Straight..
Hidden. If ever there was a prompt to describe my misdeeds this is it! I knew sooner or later the opportunity to tell part two of The Light Story and here it is! You might want to read that first if you haven't. Anyway, the morning after the night before, we got up and drove … Continue reading This Little Light Of Mine…
I’ve been making lemon curd today. The house smells lovely. I keep the recipe in a note on my phone. I keep a lot of recipes on my phone because they’re easy to access. I keep notes on future blog posts, shopping lists, book lists - there’s no end of uses for the notes app! Whilst … Continue reading If The Founding Fathers Had Smart Phones..
It's the little things in life! That's what they say isn't it? Well, that and little things amuse little minds... Guilty As Charged M'Lud!! We completed on this house on a Friday and had to be here at 8:30am for the walkthrough. The previous owners were driving to Florida and wanted to get a wiggle … Continue reading Let There Be Light…. Unless The Lady Of The House Says Otherwise
Is there a prize for the most syllables in a post title? If there is I should definitely win for this one. Sometimes my life stories have a moral to them. Other than the usual 'Never trust a smiling Britchy' or a quiet Britchy actually, or a chatty Britchy or a... yeah I think you … Continue reading Orchestration Of Castration Without Hospitalization
Last year I wrote a Dear Ex blog post full of embedded song links. It was a lot of work! Because I’m as dumb as I look I thought I’d do it again to amuse you so, without further ado, I give you - well, a Social Distancing play list! So here I am in … Continue reading Is It A Post?! Is It A Playlist?! Sing Me A Song!
Sometimes the lengths I'll go to in preparing a prank amaze even me. I'm quite sure there are a lot of Hollywood stunts that haven't had as much thought and practice put into them. Many of my little escapades involve the victim bringing it on themselves. They're kind of my favorite as they're the least … Continue reading Opening Pandora’s Box..
When plotting new tricks in the kitchen, I ponder the things that I'm rich in. I have friends who share giggles, Whilst reading my squiggles Of my pranks and the reasons I'm bitchin' Today's prompt from Ben Huberman over at Discover is 'joke'. Hey Ben, I've got a prompt for you for tomorrow. Community Pool! … Continue reading Life’s a joke!!
Merry Christmas! Happy Hanukkah! A Joyous Kwanzaa! Cool Yule- Whatever you celebrate - or don't. May the joy and wonders of the season lighten your day. It's a crazy house here. There's me, 'im indoors, 5 dogs, 1 cat, 1 daughter, 2 sons, 1 son in law, 1 fiancée, 2 grandsons and not enough Valium! … Continue reading Which Way Is Up?! Seasons Bleatings From The Woolly Minded!
I regret to inform you that the ‘give a shit’ fairy passed away. She was (unfortunately) survived by ‘everyone else’s mom’, ‘somebody told me’ and ‘I read it on the internet’ Sadly, she was predeceased by, common sense, manners, tact and keeping-your-knees-together-on-first-dates. The give-a-shit fairy will be remembered for her contributions to coping with family … Continue reading An O’Britch-uary…
I’m still flat on the sofa. A victim of postprandial somnolence after yesterday’s relentless feasting. I glad I’m not by the ocean or I’d have Greenpeace on one side and a Japanese Whaler on the other. Yes, I really did eat THAT MUCH!! There were only three of us this year but that didn’t stop … Continue reading Thanksgiving: The Aftermath
In wine there is wisdom, In beer there is freedom, In water there is ....bacteria but not JUST bacteria.. If you believe the Scientists, if we drink a liter of water every day for a year, at the end of the year we would have drunk more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) … Continue reading H2 eau neau!!!!!
Snow in November is caused by people decorating for Christmas too early. This is known as Premature Precipitation. You’ll know if you’ve been Prematurely Precipitated if you are suddenly covered in white stuff. With Premature Precipitation you can never know how long it will last or how many inches you’ll get. There is a very … Continue reading November, Month Of The Damned..
In the Bible, Satan aka the serpent, tempted Eve into sin with an apple. It’s. I’ve to know some things never change huh?! Apples led me astray today as well. It wasn’t a very long walk admittedly. Truth be told, I have frequent flyer miles in sinning.. Moving swiftly on! I was in Wegmans and … Continue reading Apples and …Ketchup?!
So I haven’t been all sweetness and light this summer. Hard to believe I know but there it is. I found time for a little naughtiness along the way! I went down to Georgia for my grandsons first birthday. I know! It’s only five minutes since he was born! How the heck did that happen?! … Continue reading Cracklin’ Crap and Infested Drawers..
Aren’t men funny? In every sense of the word. Funny ha-ha, funny peculiar and funny-why-are-you-still-alive? ‘im indoors is a prime example. There’s the easy way, the hard way and his way. I have the patience of a saint I’m telling ya! Cars. I want to buy a new/newer car when we move. I’ve kind of … Continue reading Geezerly McFuddy-Duddy And The Oldest Swinger In Town.
Well in spite of being extraordinarily busy at work and working extra hours every day this week.. I still found time to ponder a load of crap. Obviously this means YOU now have to ponder it too! These are the things I think of when I’m hiding out in the bathroom because I’m over peopled!! … Continue reading Things I Just Don’t Get..
I must admit that at my age...I started to think about this. It was very reassuring to take this quick test and know this ...I'm good! If you are over 40 yrs old, you absolutely SHOULD take this Alzheimer's Test Scroll on.. How fast can you guess these words and fill-in the blanks? 1. _ … Continue reading Self Examination Alzheimer’s Test….
This whole 'Having A Job Malarkey' is really getting in the way of me living my best life. I need cheering up. That means you have to suffer along while I amuse myself! Smile Peasants!!! A woman walks into a library and asked if they had any books about paranoia. The librarian says "They're right … Continue reading Hump Day Fun
So this was an educational weekend. We got a lot of gardening done but the kitchen progress stalled because Home Depot cut the kitchen counter tops incorrectly. I did suggest ‘im indoors measured them before accepting them but What Do I Know. I Am A Mere Woman And Shouldn’t Trouble My Pretty Little Head With … Continue reading What A Palaver!
I’m down in Poughkeepsie and we’re working on the garden so we can sell this house and move on to the next step of our lives. It’s a lovely house, it’s in a fantastic neighbourhood surrounded by trees and were being serenaded by a thousand birds. Scarlet Cardinals are swooping past hoping to snag a … Continue reading How Does Your Garden Grow?
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday. 'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror . On the morning … Continue reading Life Is A Roller Coaster..
Weird things I’ve rehomed ... or misappropriated if you believe in the police report fairy.. In my defence, it was justifiable retribution! Details will follow after I double check the statute of limitations and the fifth amendment. •The HT leads off a Ford tractor (Ireland) •Several car aerials (all from bastards) •Garden gnomes (postcards were … Continue reading Well – How Did THAT Happen?!
I was looking up cocktail recipes and boy some of them are complicated!! My all time favourite, a Rum Runner has more ingredients than I've got brain cells... fact! No wonder they're so expensive (but yummy!) I started thinking about creating cocktails myself and you'll be unsurprised to know I have come up with one. … Continue reading Name Your Poison!!
Never kiss frogs. They might turn into a handsome prince and who’s got time for that shit? Being married to a "Dave" means leaving this world the way you came into it.. Screaming and covered in someone else's blood... Dear Sneeze, if you're gonna happen, Happen! Don't put a stupid look on my face and … Continue reading Saturday Thoughts…
Sooooo I went to Walmart yesterday. I thought it would be nice to buy some stationery (school supplies) for my nieces because they love that stuff. I can get them things here none of their friends have. It’s fun. I am not equipped for thinking OR Walmart. In spite of previous disgrace and mortification I … Continue reading Don’t Make Me Go To Walmart!!
We all try our best at parenting. Some times we get it right. Sometimes we don’t. Sometimes we feel like we got it right but later, way down the line we’ll, we realise.. maybe not. This is one such incident. I have a funny story from when my daughter was little. She was 5 or … Continue reading … That Time I Failed As A Parent..
Swearing or NOT Swearing - A Load Of Old Shit? I over heard a child swearing in Wegmans today. I really should thank Wegmans sometime. There's a large portion of my posts that exist solely because of interactions therein! Anyway. The little boy must've been about two. He was sitting in the cart while his … Continue reading Well, Son of A Beech…
....you know it's going to be one of those days when your daughter texts you a picture of a fella and you text back: How much did you drink? 1. He's too old for you 2. He's repulsive. 3. Check the sex offender registry because that right there is a pervert. ....and she replies "That's … Continue reading The Frog Prince?
Well after the MRI’s and MRA’s.. I saw the ocular testicle* neurologist again on Wednesday . Turns out I do have an aneurysm my brainium. It’s only a little one though so we’re just going to ignore it like it isn’t there and check on it once a year unless it causes problems ( I’m … Continue reading Further Adventures With My Ocular Testicles
I'm constantly thinking up little gems as 'im indoors calls them. When I remember I make a note and when I have enough I inflict them on you. You're welcome. I thought I'd found a lump in each of my breasts. Turns out it was just my knees. There is a reason it's called 'girls … Continue reading More Of My Shittery..
Yesterday I had my MRI’s and MRA’s. I'm pretty sure I SHOULD now have super powers after being cooked so long hence my new super hero name. I didn’t sleep very well the night before. I kept having flashbacks to the previous one and it wasn’t a fun few hours. Fate was smiling on me … Continue reading The Advent Of Galaxy Bitch.. Or MRI day..
Blondie knew what she was talking about! Nothing is as irritating when you're trying to read than incessant phone calls. Particularly when they're asshat sales calls of fuckwittage. This doesn't bring out my best side. I have reading rabies. Don't believe me? Interrupt me mid chapter and diagnose it for yourself! A day in the … Continue reading Don’t Leave Me Hangin’ On The Telephone…
Christmas has come and gone and we’re already half way through January but I’m not done with it! Oooh no! I haven’t had a chance yet to tell you about it. I had a lot of fun playing tricks on people but there was one where I got EVERYONE! It was glorious. I tried to … Continue reading Howdy Doody Dinner..
Dear Whack Job Scientists, If ever you feel like taking a break from some of your more ludicrous experiments like The Propulsion Parameters Of Penguin Poop, Fruit Bat Fellatio or The Impact Of Wet Underwear On Thermal Comfort In The Cold, I have a challenge for you that will make women fawn all over you. … Continue reading Weight Loss, World Peace And Getting Whack Job Scientists Laid
It’s back to being just the two of us for a while which is nice. Well, the two of us and Daisy the devil dog. Oh and Milo the farting beagle, Chunks the Destroyer Of Cat Food And Hell Boy, the scaredy cat. But if you don’t count all of them - it’s just the … Continue reading Domestic… Bliss?!
We need some silliness I think! Here’s a little seasonal kitchen tip for those, like me, facing snowstorms: Put boiling water in the freezer. Then whenever you need boiling water, all you have to do is defrost it! I’m ever so helpful ain’t I?! It isn't a voodoo doll it's a pin cushion and any … Continue reading Weekend Funnies
It's not just humans who are obsessed with sprinkles. Evidently Fat Farting Beagles are easily seduced by them too. I've just yelled at the Poopmeister because, as you can see, he was caught in the act. Snacking in the litter box. Dirty little shiteater - pffft! He has the audacity to look affronted at the … Continue reading Milo and the Kitty Nuggets
Dear Walmart, You assholes. Can we get Christmas and New Year over before we start on flippin' St Valentine's Day? God forbid you miss a sale you fat, lard-arsed, money-grabbing wankers Love Britchy
Some thoughts to ponder today.. Public Service Announcement: Having lost my mind I ordered a peppermint mocha coffee this morning. It was *%¥@# AWFUL. You can save money by squeezing 6” of toothpaste and 8 tablespoons of sugar into your coffee to recreate the shite at home I had one mouthful and then shared it … Continue reading Monday, Monday..
It's funny, I was just reminiscing. When I first heard about "Toy Story" the movie and the characters, "Buzz" and "Woody".. I have to be honest and say I was expecting a totally different type of film.. It got me thinking though about things I’d really like for Christmas. They ranged from ice cube makers … Continue reading A Bitchin’ Letter To Santa
Is that a fantastic idea or what?! How it took me this long in life to justify myself I’ll never know but ho ho ho - I’ll just have to make up for lost time! ‘im indoors isn’t a morning person. He’s like the living dead and can barely grunt. He staggers out of bed, … Continue reading The Advent Calendar Of Naughtiness
Dear shop assistants ‘im indoors says I need a %*!#ing warning label. I think KNOW I’m in disgrace and it’s all your fault.. Y’all ask dumbass questions sometimes! Do I want my potatoes in a bag? “Are these white carrots? I can’t find white carrots” (on the scanner jobbywhatsit. They were Parsnips) “Would you like … Continue reading (Mis)Adventures In Christmas Tree Shopping
Today’s prompt is for a song that makes you happy. There’s a lot of songs this applies too! I’m behaving myself and only picking one. I knew it was going to be tough so I put my iPod on shuffle and picked the 9th song. Here it is. Goodbye Earl - The Dixie Chicks
Why is a Christmas tree better than a man? Well I'll tell you! •It stays up for 12 days and nights •It has cute balls •It looks good with the lights on •It's perfectly acceptable to have a new one every year •It's normal to throw it out when you're fed up of picking up … Continue reading A Buyers Guide to Christmas Trees And Men
...aka White Elephants! Hurray!! Visualize my happy dance peeps because I’m thrilled to have been tagged again by Teresa, The Haunted Wordsmith in her White Elephant Christmas Tag! If you are unfamiliar with what a white elephant party is, it can be summed as as a party where people exchange gifts that are meant to … Continue reading Albino Pachyderms
Here, if needed, is proof of why I should NEVER be left to my own devices.. I've tried to add as many bloggers as possible. If I follow you and you're not here thank your lucky stars it's because I ran out of original sin!! ‘Twas The Blog before Christmas And throughout WordPress Not a … Continue reading ‘‘Twas The Blog Before Christmas…”
So, being the jammy git that I am, I was lucky enough to be tagged by not one but TWO fantabulous bloggers for a new game created by Teresa, The Haunted Wordsmith It’s a White Elephant Gift tag and both Rory, The Guy Called Bloke and Kristian Of Tales From The Mind Of Kristian tagged … Continue reading All you want for Christmas?! Maybe not!!
We have a fake tree because I have a weird allergy to real ones. My hands and face swell up if I touch them and it’s painful. The bizarre thing is that last year I got the hands swelling thing from the fake tree. I think it’s because I put so many lights on it … Continue reading Oh Christmas Tree, Oh Christmas Tree – Why Do You Cause Such Misery?!
I had to go to Best Buy today as I wanted an original Samsung charger for my tablet. I went in wearing my "vegetarian vampire" shirt and this mall cop stood right in front of me stuck his thumbs in his belt all cocky and said " So what does a vegetarian vampire do then?" … Continue reading Deep Holes And Shallow Thoughts
My life has just reached a new low - I was chatted up in Walmart *sigh* "Hunka-hunka-burninlurve" INSISTED he knew me, he said he must have gone to school with me (Errrr NO!) Was I friends with X,Y or Z? NOPE!! Persistent little shitpot - then he said “Maybe I come in to where you … Continue reading Walmart Dating. Or Not..
It's only one more day until tomorrow so I thought I'd share some jokes that I find very funny - if you are 'infantile' like me, enjoy! I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day. I told my girlfriend she drew … Continue reading Here I Am!! Ready To Brighten Your Day!!
A friend and I were out shopping this morning and got into a lift (elevator) with a guy with horrific dandruff. When he got out she turned to me and said "Someone needs to give him some head and shoulders" I've been thinking all morning and I just can't work it out.. how in HELL … Continue reading Monday Funday or Shopping Is Murder..
If I could build a time machine And journey back to age fifteen What could I change, who would I be? If life had turned out differently.. Well for one, I wouldn’t have bunked off school Being a dumbass isn’t cool It’s fun at sixteen to be naughty Who am I kidding? It’s still fun … Continue reading A Trip In The Waaay Back Machine? No Thanks!
Something to think about - make today YOURS!! Why is vanilla ice cream white when vanilla extract is brown? Statistic of the day: More Americans have been married to Kim Kardashian than have died of Ebola. The statistic does not state which is considered a worse fate. If you came with Instructions, what would they … Continue reading A Little Something For The Weekend?
Gordon Ramsey. I'm not sure whether he's more famous for his cooking or his swearing. A little of both the guess! It's worked very well for him, Roast 'taters and The Eff Word.. so I thought I'd cash in. I'm more heifer than 'effer' so I decided I'd better bloody well think of something else. … Continue reading Chicken Bloody Pot Pie
I might have been a little bit naughty. Or Educational, take your pick. One of my friends who shall remain nameless (male and thicker than poo!!) was posting that his internet was really slow. Being "helpful" I told him his posts weren't showing up and that he must be was having connectivity issues and to … Continue reading Earth Men Are Easy
It’s 40F this morning. I think I have hypothermia, or hypochondria.. hypo-IHateWinter anyhow. We went out for a drive yesterday to see the fall colour - FAIL! What’s happened this year?! It’s seriously the worst fall I’ve ever seen! We stopped at an apple and pumpkin stand and bought some apples. Crispin’s as big as … Continue reading A Roundabout Route to Apple Pie
It sFnowed and turned to ice this morning and yesterday morning. It was below freezing both mornings too. I’m not a happy Britchy! Winter is upon us and it’s time to start planning my hibernation. I do not willingly leave warmth and anyone talking about the traumatic horrors of snow and ice can Get Stuffed! … Continue reading The ‘S’ Word And The Telly
I was re-reading Anne of Green Gables earlier and had to smile at her "White Way Of Delight" description of blossom trees lining a road as they drove along in a pony and trap. I spent a few happy minutes thinking how nice to describe places like that. Then I went out to the kitchen … Continue reading Thinkery I have Thunkeried
Monday was spent in the ER. A bit of a saga but I came home with a headache after the flight from Ireland on Tuesday last week. The first couple of days I was calling it Over Tiredness and Jet Lag. There’s no one who can make an excuse not to see a doctor better … Continue reading My Week So Far..
Sometimes I amaze even myself. Jobs I thought were commonplace are obviously rocket science and I never knew.. For example. The toilet roll needed changing. Someone got a new roll out of the cupboard and left it on the windowsill beside the toilet roll holder but didn't take the old empty roll off the spindle. … Continue reading My Super Hero Resume
I’ve realized a lot of things on this trip to see my Dad, not all of them great! He’s turned into a Mister Magoo with Tourette’s while driving for instance. How I’m still alive, well - I just don’t know! I now know this: I remember more prayers than I ever thought I knew They … Continue reading Driving With My Dad
I know I once said that I’m yours... and I was - for the longest time but guess what Mr. Know-It-All? SO WHAT?! You’ve been talking in your sleep about your new Dark Lady and now well, you don’t get to make my brown eyes blue anymore. You don’t own me and like my friends … Continue reading Dear Ex…
Here we are in Tenerife and as I write this, it's hot and sunny with nary a cloud in the sky... HOWEVER, considering that I've left hurricanes and Tornados in my wake you can expect change at any time! I shall write a lot more from both Ireland and NY when I get home but … Continue reading Just a quickie!
This poetry malarkey is too much! Jeez. My brain hurts! I blame cake because I made a couple of dozen cupcakes today. I’m feeling a bit sick now because I’ve eaten four. My son Fartichoke exclaimed ‘Mum that’s your THIRD!’ I was very indignant I can tell you and righteously corrected him ‘It’s my second. … Continue reading A Pirate Life For Me..
So poems. Poems and me. I went there. Apologies in advance but the devil made me do it! I never thought that I should see A food that couldn’t quite please me A filthy psycho chose to tease And thus invented cottage cheese It makes me hurl and swear words utter The blinkin’ stuff belongs … Continue reading A Poem By The Stroppy Git Who Hates Poetry
I’m not much of a sports person. Not unless you count competitive pranking anyway. There is a plethora of good reasons for this. Darts got me in vehicular hot water. Tennis caused an Omen like effect on a greenhouse and even the genteel art of Bowls was dealt a death knell when it crossed paths … Continue reading Pot The Red And Screw Back…
I was thinking about hurricane advice and I realised, obviously it's all subjective. Stocking up on Bread and milk is NOT a good idea if you're gluten or lactose intolerant for instance.. so from there it was an easy stretch for me into how I'd 'survive' a hurricane!! Stores running out of gas,water and canned … Continue reading How I Would Get Through Hurricanes…
Make no mistake, these are NOT a few of my favorite things. This is that time of year when I just cannot overestimate the gullibility of people. Seriously. Don’t get me wrong, I love pumpkin spice - as in a mix of ginger, nutmeg and cinnamon (i leave out allspice and cloves because my pie, … Continue reading Autumn, Dark Nights and Pumpkin Spice..
I am loving being in Georgia!!* Some of the stuff people say is downright hilarious. Princess PITA and I were just in Target and there were two women in there. I was listening them seriously bitching out another woman and saying ‘Bless her heart’ as if to negate the shade throwing that followed. Apparently she … Continue reading Eavesdropping in Georgia..
Two years ago I was going to visit my son in North Carolina and he asked me to get him a jar of pickled sausages. Yes you read that right - PICKLED SAUSAGES. Have you ever heard anything so disgusting? Apart from my nemesis, Cottage Cheese of course!! So I went along to Byrne Dairy … Continue reading Malodorous Mishaps!
I was watching TV last night and got bored so I was flicking through for something to watch. I’ve FINALLY watched every episode of NCIS and Criminal Minds so I was at a bit of a loss. I came across a movie, The Spiderwick Chronicles. I’d taken the kids to see this at the Cinema … Continue reading How To Kill A Goblin Or Piss Off Your Ex
A good Christian would forgive you - A good Texan would just shoot you but me, I’m going to make you wish you’d never been born Going to the loo is euphemistically called ‘spending a penny’ Spend a penny my arse!! It was 20 cents the last time I was in Galway! - The inflation … Continue reading Tuesday Thoughts
I thought of this crap while lurking in the fridge deciding what not to cook for dinner! With apologies to my friends the mushrooms for comparing them to Brad Pitt - I present to you, a story in three courses in which our murderer gets his just desserts. The Curious Case of Benjamin Button Mushroom … Continue reading The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button Mushroom.
I may need an alibi. Fartichoke texted me and told me he saw a trailer for a film with me in it. I was thinking "The Devils Double" He was thinking "The Smurfs" Guess which one of us is going blue??? I haven’t been to the cinema in AGES. I really want to go and … Continue reading When The Scariest Part Of A Movie Is The Audience..
Me: "You spell light, ‘L-I-G-F-T’ don't you?" ‘im indoors: You idiot, there's no f in light!!! Me: I know, I've just had to wee in the dark. I am not appreciated *sigh* It seems my methods of car theft prevention are under appreciated around these parts too. I’m not exactly an Amazon. I’m 5’1” without … Continue reading Anti Theft Shenanigans And Weeing In The Dark..
Many years ago my parents had a country hotel. We had several animals ranging from miniature Shetland’s and Falabella’s through to a retired cart horse. We had two dogs, a three legged cat, peacocks, rare breed ducks, geese, chickens - I called them Mexican racing chickens because those little buggers never laid a single egg! … Continue reading The Emu and The MOAB (Mother Of All Britchy’s!)
Quelle surprise!! Il pleut 💦💧⛈💧💦 Le foook. ..It’s probably a judgment on me so anyone in upstate NY getting saturated today - mea culpa. Yes I’ve been a bad Britchy. After my latest prank I’m also an itchy Britchy and I feel very crawly with good reason! Read on.. Firstly I’m going to pretend I … Continue reading The Bathroom Bandit Strikes Again – ‘im Indoors Has Nothing To Go On.
After Ratface Wrinkle- Winkle and I separated I quite enjoyed having a free babysitter! It was nice to get the occasional night off! He wasn’t very good about having them so I made the most of when he did. On this one particular occasion I was looking forward to a nice long bath without interruptions. … Continue reading Ratface, Ozzy And The TomTom – Or Where To Go And How To Get There.
Who remembers way back in the olden days - those prehistoric times when we had dial up modems - 28.8 was scorchingly fast. Windows 95 was the hot ticket, Netscape and ICQ - It was the Bronze Age Of Internet-ery and no one wanted to admit to being online as the internet was only for … Continue reading Fisher Price and Mattel – or How I Learned The Importance Of Phrasing In Google Searches..
Was inglourious basterds meant to be spelled so badly or did they just do it because they knew it would piss me off? I’ve never watched it because the bloody spelling annoys me so much! If God didn't think humility was important, SHE would have put the prostate somewhere else. If ever I wanted a … Continue reading Things I Think Of Instead Of Doing Something More Productive
I was watching MIB - mostly because it was in and I couldn’t be stars to channel surf and it got to that line about ‘The best of the best of the best SIR!’ I have to admit, I had a little smirk because I do actually know an anal retentive hun just like that … Continue reading The Worst Of The Worst Of The Worst… SIR!!
Inspiration can strike at the strangest times really. Great Ideas can come to you when you least expect it and I’ve learned opportunity seldom knocks twice. Let no shenanigans go to waste are words to live by. Ratface Wrinkle-Winkle was a man of few talents but prodigious regularity. Rainman was an amateur compared to old … Continue reading In The Still Of The Night… The Coincidence Of Night, Fright and Shite Rhyming!
We’re going on a trip in the way back machine today! Fasten your seatbelts and refrain from smoking whilst we prepare for Blast Off.. Sit back comfortably but don’t go to sleep because, well, things can happen in dreams and real life simultaneously. You didn’t know that? Get yourself some caffeine and I’ll explain. Farquhar … Continue reading The Ex Files Or How To REALLY Live Your Dreams..
Titselina Bumsqueak and I were chatting about ex's and how we both have ex’s called Dave. At some point in life, every single one of us knows a Dave who is a complete knobsock. We dated them, we worked with them - our lives have been blighted by a plague of Dave’s, in fact it’s … Continue reading The Theory of Men or Don’t go there!
You know the saying ‘The Devil makes work for idle hands’? Hold that thought. It’s the best alibi I’ve got. Weekday mornings when my kids were little were chaotic. I was still in England with my ex so I had two school kids, a baby, me, two kittens trying to climb up my legs and … Continue reading The Pros And Cons Of Laser Hair Removal – Or Feline Groovy..
‘im indoors had been having a bit of a grumble lately because of the heat. He doesn’t mind the heat so much as the humidity. We had a whacking great downpour this afternoon. I’d gone to Wegmans to buy stuff to make a baked cheesecake and as I was leaving it was absolutely leathering it … Continue reading Mad Dogs And (Formerly) English Women Go Out In The Midday Sun..
Have you ever had someone say something that you want to burst out laughing at - but you don't want to hurt their feelings? I was at the doctors and the little nurse practitioner came in to check my BP etc and she asked where I was from... The conversation went like this: Me: I'm … Continue reading What Language Do You Speak?
I took one of my Amish friends shopping on Friday.. her and her five kids under the age of seven - to Walmart and Aldi.. Yes I need my head tested Yes I deserve a medal!! That's not what this saga is about though, the subject of The Amish is a whole 'nuvver post! When … Continue reading Pie In The Sky… Or The Mysterious Case Of The Hissing Strawberries.
At some point in our lives we’re all going to have one of ‘those’ friends. The ‘keeping up appearances’ type. Shallow as a puddle in the Sahara. The sort for whom image is everything. I don’t know if they are really insecure or totally oblivious but the fact remains, which ever it is they’re BLOODY … Continue reading Her? Oh She’s All Fur Hat and No Knickers… And Marmite.
I'm quite thrilled to have been tagged again by A Guy Called Bloke for his own invention of a quote tag. Of all the things that do the rounds, this is probably one of my favourites. I do truly love the questions he asks on awards posts too.. they are NEVER boring! The rules of … Continue reading 3,2,1 -Quote Me!! “Success”
Kristian at Tales From The Mind Of Kristian nominated me for a Liebster! Whilst I was thrilled, I've chosen to just answer the questions because I know so many of you are about to head off on summer vacations. I don't want to add the stress of tags to your fun! I love them but … Continue reading Liebster Questions!
Our much loved muse, The Okie Dokie Blokie asked a question.. “What’s the dumbest way you’ve been injured?” Poor sod has no idea what he’s let himself in for! I have a plethora of ridiculous pickles to choose from so you decide! You lot get to choose which was my most ridiculous injury (to date!) … Continue reading Your Arm You Broke? A Twat You Are!!
The fantabulous wordsmith, Kristian at Tales From The Mind of Kristian has nominated me for this intriguing tag. I’ve really enjoyed this and I’m sad to get to day three. Do you follow Kristian? You absolutely should. He’s one of my absolute favourite bloggers , one of the very few I make sure to keep … Continue reading Three Days, Three Song Lyrics – Day Three
The ever amazing Kristian at Tales From The Mind of Kristian has nominated me for this fabulous tag. Pick three song lyrics that mean something to you and share them over three days. I’m currently down in North Carolina again and while I was driving around Raleigh today I started reminiscing about places and people. … Continue reading Three Days, Three Song Lyrics – Day Two
George was special from the moment he was born. I had adopted a stray who I called Prader Willi (because that cat ate EVERYTHING) She was pregnant and I was going to get her spayed when she had had her kittens. She had four kittens. One black, One black and white, one tabby and one … Continue reading The Story Of George, The Ginger Stealer Of Hearts.
I was nominated by one of my top ten favourite bloggers Tales From The Mind of Kristian to take part in a challenge created by another top ten blogger A Guy Called Bloke for a very interesting challenge “Ancient Authors” The rules are simple, as always: •Choose the author or philosopher (it should be one from … Continue reading A Greek Tragedy – Ancient Authors Challenge
I was nominated by Okie-Dokie-Bloke who is, coincidentally, the creator of this game! Here’s what he has to say: Everyone loves quotes right? So l figured to introduce a bit of light hearted fun with this series. It’s simple: Every day l will pick a topic, post 2 quotes and nominate 3 bloggers, who in … Continue reading 3.2.1 Quote Me! #2
There’s a new Challenge in town!! 3.2.1 Quote Me! created by Rory at A Guy Called Bloke Here’s what he has to say about it: Everyone loves quotes right? So l figured to introduce a bit of light hearted fun with this series. It’s simple: Every day l will pick a topic, post 2 quotes and … Continue reading 3-2-1 – Quote Me!!
....And that was just the therapist. Ever had one of those days where your mouth is ten steps ahead of your common sense? All.The.Flippin.Time I was at the physical therapists yesterday. I wasn’t looking forward to it, I’d had a bad night and couldn’t sleep with pain so whilst I started off smiley and polite.. … Continue reading Physical Therapy – It’s Only a Little Prick..
I was down in NC (amongst other places) last week and I stayed with my son Fartichoke and his friends. For some obscure reason his friends love me and all have to visit every time I’m down which led to many sunrise bedtimes.. I’m getting too old for that crap! Fartichoke was telling stories of … Continue reading How I Upset EVERYONE!!
I was nominated by two lovely ladies Confessions of an Irish Procrastinator and Freckles so with much joy, I get to play again!! I’d love you to check their blogs out and also my nominees. You won't be sorry!! RULES: 1. Thank the person who nominated you. 2. Post one quote per day one quote … Continue reading Three Days, Three Quotes 05/18/18
I had a lovely long conversation with Titselina Bumsqueak who reminded me of several ‘Things I Have Done’. Honestly, sometimes it feels like she just doesn’t appreciate the lengths I go to and the depths I plummet for her benefit. I was visiting her and we’d gone into the small seaside town she lives in … Continue reading How To Liven Up Grocery Shopping – Or NOT..
Yeah really! Fat chance my friends! FAT!! CHANCE!! I realized I hadn’t completed this nomination from That Guy Called Bloke which is disgraceful. I can’t believe I missed it, I love his nominations because they’re so much fun - his questions are a riot! This brings me to the boring bit. Rules. I generally don’t … Continue reading A Liebster a Day Makes Me Behave..
Daisy is in disgrace. At least that’s MY version! In hers she’s a total badass!! We went out for a walk a little while ago, it’s a nice evening, a little chilly for my liking but we walked on the sunny side of the street to try and get the best out of it. This … Continue reading Give a dog a bone..
Scooby Doo always comes to mind when I see Mystery Blogger. This is no bad thing because I love Scooby Doo (and that counts as number one of three things about me!) I was nom-de-nom’d by none other than the Captain of Comedy, the King of Kerfuffle, the hot dog, jumping frog of Albuquerque Albuquerque … Continue reading Weird Ass Wednesdays and The Mystery Blogger
Kids have such a lovely way of both surprising and shaming us at the same time don’t they?! When mine were little, I was waiting at the school gates, as you do! My 6 year old daughter (at the time) arrived but I still had to wait for my son. At the top of her … Continue reading Kids Say The Darnedest Things!!
I have to be at the Doctor’s for 9:30 and there's a spider in my car. Should I call the police or fire brigade? I know I need EMTs because I just about had heart failure when he swung down in front of my face I'm thinking call a taxi and leave the keys in … Continue reading What a Dilemma!
I was walking Daisy this afternoon and I heard a guy talking on his cell "I'm his first gay bear" Well that caught my attention but the bugger got across the road quicker than me and I didn't hear anymore. I was intrigued. Gay Bear?? I had to go to Aunty Google asap and apparently … Continue reading Of Mice and Men? More like Rats and Rascals!
*Sigh* Being of unsound mind and body I decided to clear out some kitchen cupboards. I found my old two slice black toaster so left it on the counter because I'm going to give it to my son. My black handbag is also in the counter. On my way to get dressed to go shopping … Continue reading Heated Conversation??
Today was the day. Seeing the bone doctor about my shoulders. I was dreading it. I hadn’t thought about it before but I suddenly realized - there was a definite risk of pain. By the time I’d actually got to the Doctors offices I’d worked myself up into a right state. Once again we had … Continue reading Atlas Shrugged…. Lucky Bloody Atlas!!
So I have this friend who we'll call ‘Mary Hinge’ (cos that's not her name) My girl has a bit of a disability. She's deaf. She must be. She didn't listen to my Anglo Saxon monologue warning and went and got herself married. Sentenced to life by a gold band and a big cake. Now … Continue reading Monkey Business
My little mini minx has been AWOL. She's been at the car spa for a makeover... us ladeez like that kinda crap y'know. Well I finally got my Mini back! I hate driving the van - it's like driving a sofa. It's crap at cornering, doesn't like high speeds and it's a *horror of horrors*... … Continue reading Spa Daze
We've had quite a bit of rain so far today. I just took my little dog Daisy out for her eleven millionth piddle of the day and we met a frog. She was a little intimidated at first but then desperately wanted to play and make friends. Froggy wasn't having any of it though. He … Continue reading Daisy and the Frog Prince
Things were going entirely too well round here. It had been days or at least hours since my last mortification - I should have known it couldn't last!! It was a "lovely" day today. Temps reached the heady heights of 58F (14C) here in the frozen Norf. I almost discarded one of my three pairs … Continue reading Loo, Loo, Skip to the Loo..
Little did I know, starting this week with quotes from British Prime Ministers and Bonar Law that is end up talking about the anatomy of said organ by Wednesday! For those of you who are joyfully oblivious, surgeons performed a penis and scrotum transplant this week and I cannot get the idea out of my … Continue reading The Hinky Bones Connected to the Ewww Bone..
Eye of newt, and toe of frog, Wool of bat, and tongue of dog, Adder's fork, and blind-worm's sting, Lizard's leg, and howlet's wing, For a charm of powerful trouble, Like a hell-broth, Boil and bubble I’m really not too sure about these generic meds under Obamacare... I have a dreadful attitude towards doctors. According … Continue reading The Joy of Sex – or How to Get Clucked by Your Healthcare Plan.
Having compiled quotes from US Presidents and British Prime Ministers, I’m finishing my little series with a homage to who I consider, the greatest of them all. Winston Churchill was an incredible man. He pushed amazing reforms through. He truly fought for the underdog and I believe he carried the Brits through WW2 with the … Continue reading The World According to Winston
I’ve noticed a lot of us are in a bit of a funk at the moment. Frankly, I’m not surprised. Mother Nature is being a bit of a grotbag at the moment and it feels like Spring/Summer will NEVER get here. What we need are some coping therapies. Happy thoughts and moments that will stop … Continue reading Combatting Winter Blues!!
I absolutely love cold sales/scam calls. I can mess with their heads for hours. I thought I must be blacklisted because I haven't had one in ages but there was a computer dialer at the end of the rainbow and last night ended my dry spell. I got a call from someone overseas - you … Continue reading My Career as a Scammer Exterminator
The LoCarb Diet, The Five-Two Diet, (SH)Atkins, Paleo, Dukan.. You know how it is girls, we've all tried all sorts of diets and none of them have made us happy. I decided it’s time to rewrite dieting. Life is meant to be enjoyed not endured so I give you this. The new and improved "I'm … Continue reading Does my Blog look big in this??
A couple of months ago I bought some samosa's in Wegmans that were beyond awful. I posted a huge diatribe on facebook about it and was encouraged to write in and complain. So I did and here is the letter I sent and the reply... Please bear in mind I have a mouth with a death … Continue reading The Wegmans Complaint..
You know how it is when your kids? You think your Parents know everything. They see through every fib you tell, they know every scrap of naughtiness - heck they even know the nine times multiplication table!! The Oracle at Delphi had nothing on Parents and especially not my Dad. He saw through everything. He … Continue reading Tarzan and The Chandelier
I had a problem with money disappearing out of my purse a couple of years ago. Ten bucks here, Twenty there, it was very annoying. Apart from the obvious ‘someone was stealing’ part, I’d go to look for cash and there wouldn’t be any. If anyone had asked for the money I’d have given it … Continue reading To Catch a Rat..
I thought of so many titles for this post. ‘Riding in Buggies with Bonnets’ was a favorite but I went with the above because it really is a synopsis of this tale! A lot of people don’t realize that NY has a very large Amish community. They’re all over the state, from the Hudson Valley … Continue reading Up Thy Butterchurn! – Or When Pennsylvania Dutch Met a Touch of the Gaelic
Well - mostly behaving beautifully. That counts. It’s been a very sedate April Fools Day in the oul Britchy Homestead. Someone - ‘im indoors - has been on edge ALL day waiting for a prank. I think my ducksay prank yesterday was ill-timed because it reminded him that April Fools was upon us! So just … Continue reading Behaving beautifully on April Fools Day
After reading this, I know that from now on if you hear a train has been delayed, you'll be wondering what the rotten swines of crew did! Farquhar Bastardcelot was a train driver. He used to drive trains through the Channel Tunnel. He was a total brown nose and he found out that his supervisor … Continue reading The train on platform 9 has been delayed..
I have been really good for the last few days. I haven’t scared the mailman, or pissed off next doors dog, or thrown gas-ex or condoms or any other “how did that get there?” items in anyone’s shopping cart... I haven't even slung my phone across the room when it kept misspelling what I was … Continue reading Easter Ducking About..
So far since living in the US I haven’t had any truck with the Joeys*. Maybe it’s because we lived in the middle of a largely Amish community when I first moved here. There’s no explanation why we’re escaping their visits now though, unless either my reputation proceeds me or they aren’t as tenuous here … Continue reading Miss Manners (UN)Guide to Answering the Door
It was November of 2012 which you may remember, was a Presidential Election year here in the US. I hadn’t even had my green card for a year at this point but I still wanted to be a part of the Electoral Process so, I was planning to go with my husband when he went … Continue reading How Obama Broke My Bones
Yes you guessed it. Another story from Ireland - because frankly, where else could this stuff go down? So it was a Saturday night and we were off to Ballygobackwards to see a really great local band. There was me, Titselina Bumsqueak and my cousin, Saoirse* O’Milk all glammed, glittered and nearly scuttered with the … Continue reading The Gig, the Jig and Stealing a Hearse
When Fartichoke was a little lad we’d go to visit his dads mum. She was one of those that liked blue toilet water. Yeah. THEM! She’d have those plastic thingies that hang over rims of toilets under the seat and turn the water blue when you flush. Personally, I thought the lads aiming at them … Continue reading Fartichoke, The Thunder Box and The Aliens From Uranus.
Titselina Bumsqueak, Fat Sharon and I used to haunt The Empire in Leicester Square on Friday nights. It was a sacred tradition, a no boyfriends invited, girls night out. It was the 80’s, Pina Coladas, enough make up to paint a bridge, shoulder pads and heels so high you needed oxygen to walk in them! … Continue reading Chips, Coppers and High Heeled Croppers
It never fails to amaze me that anyone will ask me for relationship advice. Then again, with the amount of weirdos I’ve attracted over the years I should be expert at spotting them. My wanker magnet is second to none it seems! I’ve decided to make a series of posts on relationships to serve as … Continue reading Britchy Advice on Dating and Marriage.
My youngest son, Thmellyarthe, was a very precocious reader. He was able to read first reading books at the age of three. I used to play with him as we’d be walking around the supermarket asking him to tell me when we were in aisle three,count tins of beans, find me the orange packet of … Continue reading The Coffee Table, The Ex and The Voice of Doom
So..... I'd gone on a day trip to France to shop when my kids were really little, Fartichoke was only about six weeks old so Brid was just over a year old. Yes, there isn't a year between them. It explains a lot about my sanity doesn't it?! Anyway it was the end of the … Continue reading Entente UN Cordiale…
I saw an ex coworker yesterday who I haven't seen since before Christmas. He was a little upset with me. Before Christmas he was complaining about his wife. He was saying she was always bitching at him and she seemed to have PMS 24/7. (Married to him, I’m not surprised..) Naturally my sympathies were with … Continue reading You Just Can’t Help Some People!!
Tonight I asked ‘im indoors what he wanted to take to work for his lunch tomorrow. “Oh ....anything” he said offhandedly. I was quite peeved by this but - I had a golden moment. One of those moments where instead of going ballistic faster than the speed of light I actually stopped myself - and … Continue reading Sandwiches, Shoe Polish and Schaden Freude
I would like to announce I have been good all day and haven't done or thought any bad things. I would like to announce I didn’t put a sticker on the back of ‘im indoors car saying “Passion Wagon. Don’t laugh, your daughter might be in the back” I would like to announce I haven't … Continue reading On behaving beautifully
Ive been asked a few times why I chose my blog name “Bitchin’ in the Kitchen” People seem to think I should perceive it as derogatory to use the word “bitch”. Here’s my reply. The expression “to bitch” is used in England to describe moaning, grumbling, whining etc. You can have a good old bitch … Continue reading Why I’m Bitchin’ in the Kitchen
The recipe says these are "to die for”… Or possibly “of” - the writing's a little unclear….” Death by Fudge1 1/2 cups sugar 5 fl oz evaporated milk 2 tablespoons butter 1/4 teaspoon salt 2 cups miniature marshmallows 1 1/2 cups chocolate chips 1/2 cup chopped almonds 2 teaspoons amaretto or almond extract Cyanide to … Continue reading For that UN-Special Someone
Do you ever have one of those "you couldn't make this shit up" days? I'd parked in a multi-storey car park to “just go to Sprint” and actually managed to leave the mall a mere four hours later after a run on the stock exchange. You know? Where I trade my cash for valuable stock.. … Continue reading On Condoms, Car Parks and Paint Cans..
BLOODY DECORATING! Pinterest, Facebook, Instagram - you all have a lot to answer for! Oh and you all SUCK!! I'm not one of Mother Nature's natural decorators really. My idea of painting would appear to be to get as much on me and my clothes as possible and if there is any left over slap … Continue reading A Remorseful Tale of Repurpose, Repaint, Regret.. and Replace!!
By now you’ve probably realised, Names Are Being Changed. I’m not really Britchy - wait, yes I am - but it’s not my actual NAME!! I thought I’d better start a post where the cast was explained so here it is! I’ll add to it as more reprobates appear.. Family ’im indoors - hubby Fartichoke … Continue reading The Cast of Characters
My dad sent me an email a couple of days ago - one of those touchy feeling “forwarded” doo-dad’s that I detest. It was very out of character for him, he normally just forwards jokes!! I actually wondered if someone else was using his computer so I added to it and sent it back. He … Continue reading Advice – Britchy Style!!
Lil was my best friends mum and today would have been Lil's 96th birthday. She might have been Titselina Bumsqueaks mum but she was as good as mine too. As far as she was concerned I was one of hers. Oh how I loved her and miss her. She had a bloody hard life. She … Continue reading The Ever Wonderful Lil
Growing up under the NHS in London was great. Until it wasn’t. Raging Despots of Doctors receptionists. Doctors with God complex’s. Nurses who idolised the piggin’ idiots and made them even more delusional if possible! Oh and let’s not forget the ever present cup of tea. I’m quite sure they even stopped operations for surgeons … Continue reading The Out Patient Appointment..
*Sigh* Welcome to the latest round of The Bitchy One's "You-Couldn't-Make-This-Shit-Up.." I was back in England visiting my best friend and I’d gone shopping. While I was walking around in town I went into a sweet shop (candy store) to buy a curly wurly. I decided I could indulge myself! They had all kinds of … Continue reading Axis of Evil Cupcakes.
Bitchin’ in the Kitchen 